Please Don't Call My Face Beautiful

I can't believe that I'm saying I don't want or need a boyfriend. I can't believe I'm saying I don't want romance!

Romance with guys that is. I don't want “guys.” I don't want to date, or have a boyfriend. And no matter how lonely I get, no matter how many times I look around and think how nice it would be to be like my sisters, I will not give in. Because I am not ready. I tell myself that everyday. I am not ready. My heart is desperate and yearning for love, but it doesn't want to believe my true Lover could be everything I need and desire. I honestly don't want to believe that Jesus could be the One for me. Because that's scary. It truly is. I've always been able to run away from that. Frankly, I haven't had a problem finding arms to hold me. I've never been somewhere that I didn't have at least one choice. Some may say I'm lucky, but I see it as my biggest challenge.

In spite of my parents no dating rules, I've had boyfriends. I haven't told the entire world that in such a public way, but I'm saying it now because I want to be set free from it. I've had boyfriends. Some relationships ended well, most didn't. I got hurt, but most often I hurt others. I realized there was a power in being a woman, there was a sway I could hold over people. I could make guys look at me and do anything for a glance from me. I could make heads turn when I walked down the street. And not just turn because I was a gringa, but turn because I stood out!

I don't say any of this stuff to boast, so please do not think I'm being conceited. This actually shames me, but I know I am free of it now. I don't have these regrets anymore, I don't have these wounds. They were washed away and I'm as pure as a pearl now. But something is telling me to write this. So I am. Bear with me.

Maybe it was just to be nice, maybe it was because I was the missionary kid, or maybe it was to make me feel better. But people have told me I was beautiful my whole life. I was pretty and witty, with my Dad's sense of humor (much to the horror of my mom sometimes). I never understood all those cliches you can read about a guy truly loving you if he calls you beautiful. Lots of people called me beautiful. I don't think that made them love me. And lots of guys called me beautiful too. It happened more once I moved to Jamaica... “Hey whitie, hey pretty girl! Come over beautiful, look at me pretty girl.” And again when I moved to Honduras. I heard it so often, I got sick of it. I'm still sick of it.

But before I got as repulsed as I am now, I loved it. I loved walking down the street and hearing whistles from the guys. If I didn't get a whistle I thought I didn't look good enough and I felt depressed. People told me I looked like a model, even random people I'd never met! And I stressed over that. I used to be the dorkiest kid around, but suddenly people were looking at me and talking about what I was wearing. I still looked in the mirror and saw the dork with glasses and her shirt tucked in with a belt, but other people saw something different. They told me they did anyways. And I started trying to be skinnier, I wanted to be tanner, I quit eating as much. When my back wasn't hurting too bad, I'd work out until I could hardly stand up. I wanted to deserve being called beautiful. I'd see my friends and I still thought they looked better than me. To this day I fumble with my make-up, I'm not very good at putting it on. They look flawless and put it on like a breeze. I never understood why I got talked to and they didn't.

But whatever the reason, I felt pressured because of it. I needed to look perfect, I needed to look like what people said I did. I guess I never stopped to think that maybe I already did. Most of the time changing meant pushing my parents limits. But no matter what boyfriend I had, or how much make-up or cute clothes I could get, I still felt awful. I remember several times I tried to kill myself when I seemed happy to others. I wasn't.

My experience with guys has been less than ideal. I've been emotionally abused and bruised. I've been stepped on and I've stepped on others. But it's for that reason that I'm now glad for my new freedom. I don't need a boyfriend! Although my absolute number one greatest fear in the entire world is being alone, I don't need a guy to fill that hole in my heart. It helps to drive away the night, knowing that someone is obsessed with me. But that same obsession makes me uneasy. Love should be about giving, fulfilling the other person and making them smile. But every relationship I have ever been in has made me feel weighed down and heavy hearted. After each failed relationship, I grew more and more discontent. I hated being called beautiful more and more. I wasn't beautiful, I was a terrible person and I hurt good people. Besides that, I don't want to be valued for my face! I realize it's romantic to be called beautiful, and I'm not saying I don't want to be complimented ever. But I'm so sick of being valued for my face, or my face being the only thing people know well enough to value. Know me! The real me. Know what I write, know what I think, know who I am. Compliment the Creator for the soul He put in my body, but don't see only the wrapping. The wrapping will fade and turn gray, if I'm only treasured for that then I'm doomed.

Getting into relationships the way I did was not the right way. I'm not bashing dating, but I was too inexperienced and desperate. Like a new driver on the freeway for the first time, I was swerving and jumping at the first opening I saw. It doesn't work like that. I am not the one who should be taking control. I'm starting to realize that now, and it's been a tough time. There's a reason God tells us not to awake our desires before their time, and I found out the hard way. I'm saying this and I hope I help someone else by doing so. I am shy, but I am also very convicted that if we all just be honest with each other we can be a true body of Christ once more.

In conclusion, I don't need romance right now and I know that for a fact. I don't need Mr Darcy to come sweep me off my feet. I don't need Aragorn to save the day and ride by my side. I just need my Jesus. I feel lonely, I feel so desperately lonely I just want to lay down at night with someone I love. But I know I'm not ready. Jesus is wreaking my heart and exposing the wounds I've buried deep within my soul, and He's telling me I need to let Him heal them first. After that, my future husband needs to ask Him for His permission to date me! :) I don't need romance, I only want fellowship and people to walk in faith with. I think that's what we call friends, isn't it?

To understand why I love Jesus so much, just listen to this song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-Nbt8lCJrk&list=PL02F01326F4680B54&index=1&feature=plpp_video

A New Perspective

When I was a kid I used to think "Christmas Is All in The Heart" was a silly song but it felt good to sing it, like we could pretend all we really cared about wasn't the presents under the tree. I would hear Christmas Shoes and think, wow! Well at least I don't have to count pennies and end up lacking this Christmas! So even if we didn't have a lot of money, I knew we were well off.

Now, I don't know where that spirit has gone. Because as I agonize and calculate every little purchase in my head, and count out exact change, it's easy to feel like I'm just scrapping by. It's easy to feel like I'm living the Christmas Shoes song. If I dwell on that thought, (which often happens), I feel so hopeless. I feel embarrassed and annoyed. Why does the time have to go so quickly? Why does everything not just fall into place with the heavens singing in the background? Why doesn't God just hand me a check to pay for YWAM if that's what He wants me to do??

I don't understand why He doesn't. I don't understand why this world has to be so hard. Or at least, I try to tell myself I don't. I try to tell myself it shouldn't be that way, and that God is just wrong and being cruel. It's so easy to say the proverbs about hard times when you're in the good times. I've always loved quotes, and if I hear a good one I have to write it down. A lot of times my favorite ones end up on my wall. Although I'm no artist, I have a sketch pad and sharpies just so I can write down those quotes colorfully. It's harder to live those quotes when the going gets rough.

If you read my first blog post, you've read how my story started. I think where I am right now is as much of a challenge as that was. Because when I was living in Honduras, I was in the rich percent. Now here in America, unemployed and living with my best friend's family, I'm in the poor percent. It's easy to look at myself that way. It's easy to just see the dollar amount.

But "Christmas Is All In The Heart" isn't a silly song written by a poor man. It's a realization that everyday here in America is a struggle, and no less during the holidays. It's a struggle to be content and joyful, to thank God and not be angry with Him. I could SO easy count all that I don't have, but I want to count all that I do. I have a house to live in that I don't have to pay for, food every meal that I also don't have to pay for. A bed and warm blankets, kind people around me, my best friend living in the room next to me, clothes on my back to keep me warm, I even have extra clothes in the closet! And not just one extra outfit, but at least 10! That's such a blessing in itself. I also have art supplies, because I like to draw even if I'm no da Vinci. And I have books! I ought to be shining day to day just because of that. I have books that teach me, books that entertain me, books that help me, and books that I don't always understand at first. I have shoes. Pictures of the people that I love on my walls. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste, as well as shampoo and conditioner. So many little things that we don't think of every day! Yet what are the statistics of how many people have those things in the world?

This Christmas, as I stress and struggle on my own two shaky feet for the first time, I hope I keep that in mind. I hope I don't just count my blessings, I hope I realize them. And that I thank God every minute for them! Living the high life would be awfully comfortable, but I'd like to think I'm glad I don't. Because not a day goes by that I forget God's very real presence in my life. More like not an hour. Living the high life would rob me of that close dependence on God. And I like knowing that everything is definitely in His control and not mine (even though I'm a control freak).

Yesterday a prayer request was answered, I finally got my license! The test was so quick and the people so nice that I was incredulous that I had stressed and worried so much about it. I hope that's what it's like when I'm on the plane to YWAM. Even though $6,500 feels like the sum of the universe, I hope I'm able to thank God He didn't just hand me a check. I hope I agonize and laboriously have to surrender to Him every minute of every day, so when a check does come in (whether it's for $5 or $500), I'm able to sing praises to Him from the bottom of my heart with tears in my eyes. I want that joy! And experiencing joy means troubled times. Troubles I have, though blessings I have even more. My prayer is that God teaches me through each doubt, through each surrender, through each heart-wrenching worry and tear. Because God can paint pretty pictures in the sky, but I want Him to make my heart a forsaken wasteland to everything but love and trust in Him.

I don't say any of these things to boast that this is the lesson I have learned this week. Because I haven't learned it, I'm trying to learn it every day. I'm trying to see past the clouds in the sky to the stars waiting beyond. And in this period of waiting and trusting, I want so badly to have the faith that will move a mountain. I want that mustard seed. So I repeat to myself every day, "Just trust right now and surrender the later." Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. But that's why I'm not in heaven yet, because I'm still learning His ways.

“It is always possible to be thankful for what is given rather than resentful over what is withheld–one attitude or the other becomes a way of life.” ~Elizabeth Elliot

Third Culture Kid

“Life full of rich experiences in totally diverse cultures and places, each experience filled with a special vibrancy... And yet, a life in which she always felt a bit like an observer, playing the part for the current scene, but forever watching to see how she was doing.” -Third Culture Kid, by David C Polluck and Ruth E Van Reken.

On my senior trip, a re-entry retreat with many of my missionary kid friends, we studied some of this book, Third Culture Kid. It was given to us as sort of a guide to help us in the transition back to American life. Before I had been skipping to chapters that were relevant to me at the time, such as the chapter on reverse culture shock. But now I am taking the time to thoroughly go through it. I hadn't read more than a page before I felt like I knew the person they were introducing. She was an MK moving back to her host country (the country her parents were missionaries in) after going through college in the States. The quote is something that's said as they tell her story, and it honestly feels like me. It's quite normal to accept that I'll always be a little different when I'm the “gringa” or the “whitie,” but it's another matter entirely when I feel like I should be fitting in where I am. It's easy to be self assured and confident and content when it's obvious that you're a little different. It's much harder when you look like you are the same as everyone else. I'm not whiter, I don't dress that differently, I don't speak a different language. And I was born here. I should fit in. Right? Through reading the TCK book, and going on the retreat I did, I know that I'm experiencing what's called the Hidden Immigrant stage. I look like everyone else, but I think differently. I think radically different compared to what others are thinking. Often I find myself confused by conversations I hear. Honestly, it feels like I'm in a movie. Can the lights and camera turn off now? Where's reality?

I have been very lucky in my transition, because I moved back to my “hometown.” I already knew what church I would be going to, what college I would apply to, friends in my area and, most importantly, where I would live. I have great people who are helping me, supporting me, and a wonderful church who knows me and my family. I'm lucky. But even with all that, it has been very hard. It's rather difficult for me to think of anywhere as home. A few weeks back I was talking with the new youth pastor at my church and a lady he had just introduced me to. As we were talking and I mentioned I was a missionary kid just moved back, I was asked where I thought my home was. And I answered, heaven. Honestly, no place on earth feels like home to me. I only search for a place I can relax, where I feel safe, and where I know I'm not a burden. Then I call it my house. But my home? There's no place on this earth that is my home. I don't prefer one country over the other. I experience glimpses and brief moments when I feel like I'm home at random times in each place I'm at. A familiar smell, sight, or memory. It warms me and I know, heaven will be like that all the time. It makes me so excited to get there!

It has taken me a long time to get to the place of acceptance I am right now, and sometimes I'm not feeling so at peace. A lot of days are still challenges. Most days are still challenges. But I say this stuff, not just to raise awareness of other Mks like me out there, but also to remind myself of its truth.

And the real reason I am writing this is to raise awareness. Think of all the missionaries your church personally supports. Now think of all the missionary organizations there are out there. Hundreds. Hundreds of organizations, with thousands of missionaries. Now assume each missionary family has at least 2 children. At some point, those children will be moving back to their home country. It doesn't matter how long they've been on the field, whether it's been all their life or only a year. Those children, now adults or teens, need a home! Honestly it's such an area of need, and I see no one doing anything about it. Young couples, old couples, with kids or without. I know it's a lot to ask, but please. Image if you were overseas working, and you had to have faith to send your child back alone to start out. They don't have the benefit of a house. They don't have mom or dad around to help them do simple things we don't even think about. Get their license, set up a bank account, go to the doctors, go to the library, get new clothes for their new climate, etc. There are so many things that are necessary to exist. For me personally, I have been blessed in many areas. But I wish there had been someone there, who decided they would adopt me. Who decided they would be my parents, take me to the doctors, to practice driving, to go shopping, to handle money. I've been a missionary kid for over half my life. I'm used to my parents traveling around to raise support. But it's embarrassing to return home, ready to start adulthood and longing for independence, only to discover that I can't. That there are so many things I have to try and work out, and it takes weeks rather than days. I'm not complaining, because I'm getting them done. But I can't help but think about other Mks who aren't... Someday I'd like to start a program in churches across America. Regardless of domination! A program of finding families willing to adopt missionary kids returning home.

I was going to write about how I got into YWAM and how I'm starting the process of leaving in a month to do that program, but this subject has been weighing on my mind lately. So I went with this instead. Still, I thank God for this great opportunity to do DTS and serve with YWAM!

What John Wayne Has To Do With Treasure

I don't see wealth as having to do with money. It's not fancy cars, big houses, the newest iPad/iPhone/iPod. It's not gadgets that do everything including think for us. This is what wealth is to me. Having a roof over my head. A bed to sleep in. Friends kind enough to take me into their home and treat me as their daughter. To have clothes to keep me warm as the days grow colder. And blankets to snuggle in as the thunder rolls outside tonight... Wealth is having so much more than I need, and much less than I could want. My wants could reach to heaven and above, but they are empty and they hold no value. My needs, are the simple things I've already mentioned. In this world, even in our day and age, it is a privilege to have a room to myself, a bed, clothes, a coat, shoes, and running water. A privilege, a blessing, and a responsibility! I have a responsibility to not be caught up in my own world of comfort, and to remember those who don't have what I've been blessed with. Whether it's down the road or on the other side of the globe.

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Think about that... What is your heart? Your heart is something so precious God sent His own Son to die for it... Though we may reject Him and spit in His face, He was willing to try. To win our hearts. Where is your treasure? Where you spend the majority of your time and money? Truthfully, I spend most of my time on my laptop. And if asked I know I would say, but oh it's for school! Or, I've got to apply for this, or research that, or this is so important to my life! And sure... Maybe it is... But why do I become so defensive? Why do I so quickly try to list all the reasons why it's okay? Because I know that it's not as it should be. I'm not saying it's wrong to do school, or apply for school or scholarships or jobs. All those things are important! But when you spend your whole life doing them... What good do they do? Tell me one thing in your life that has made a difference and made your heart sing. I'm almost 100% certain it wasn't in any of the things we spend so much time doing. It's a rare moment. What should be a series, is a holiday special. One week one summer, a few years ago. When was it? Where was it? Was it close to home or far away? Where is your treasure?

I've given up worrying about wealth in the worldly way. Or I should say, I'm giving it up. Because like all things, it's a daily surrender and not a quick “press here to cleanse your soul.” It's work. If it wasn't, why would we need our time here on earth? Growing up, I thought I had the world. My dad worked hard from sun-up to sun-down. He came home tired and wore out, but we had a house. We had food. We had clothes, even if they were hand-me-downs sometimes. Sure, I can remember seeing commercials for those special toys or places and I'd think, oh! That's for people who live down the road in those new bigger houses! But I didn't think we were poor. I just thought there were 7 of us, and since we had so many we didn't get to have those things. And we weren't poor. We had 2 cars, we had a house, my dad owned his business, we had pets and did 4-H, we even got cable! I can remember that happening because it was special. We got it to so we could watch the Dallas Stars games no matter what channel it came on.

I don't say all this to mean that I'm perfect, or I don't worry about money. Because I do. I worry about it a lot. I'm unemployed, I'm still working on a driver's license (being out of the country slows that process down), and I'm trying to make it in this world. But what gives me hope is to remember all the times I've seen McLintock. Yeah, I mean the John Wayne movie! In it there's a scene when Becky goes out to her father (John Wayne) and he tells why he's only leaving her a little bit of land and not his whole fortune (which was a lot). He said it was because there was something special about going through hardships, particularly when you're a young married couple, and he wouldn't rob her of that experience for all the jewels in the crown. So quite honestly, I'm looking forward to these rough times. I'm expecting hardships and I'm excited to be tested and challenged. Of course I'll be going on my own for now, but that's something I'm okay with. I need to learn how to depend solely on God for my strength and security. Especially with my past of depression and self harm, I need to stand on my own and find my value in the only true Savior. So my wealth, isn't in my bank account. I consider how small it is, and I decline outings with friends because of that. But I bare no ill-will. Because it's just a phase. Money is just a phase. It's a means to an end. And as long as I have a roof, food, clothes, and the Lord, I don't need any more money. What would I do with it? Probably spend it foolishly. So when I start to work, I want it all to go for my trip. I don't need any of it now, I have everything I need. And I know that God will provide for my trip also. Though I doubt and waver, and have to remind myself over and over every day that He is faithful, I trust Him to lead me and prepare the way. Whichever way it is. Whether it's to YWAM in January, or some other unknown trek I've yet to discover.

My wealth is in Him.

Prayer, Unicorns, Praise, and some other stuff

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in affliction, be persistent in prayer.” Romans 12:12

Maybe this is just me, but I always kinda blew prayer off. I mean, I would hear the “pray ceaselessly” and I'd think, 'alright well that's easy! I'll just redirection my thoughts to God.' And I'd proceed to talk God's ear off, and never stop to talk a breath. My mind was always working, I was always thinking and “talking” to God, but I didn't stop to listen to what He had to say. But I had the petition part of prayer down perfectly! It's interesting that people often say I'm a good listener, yet I never had time to listen to God...

“Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think- according to the power that works in you- to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever.” Ephesians 3:20-21

When I was reading that verse yesterday, the words that stuck out to me were “above and beyond” and “to all generations.” God is capable. No seriously, God is capable. God could make a unicorn! Not only could He make a unicorn in Jesus' time, He could make a unicorn in 2011 too. If He wanted to. (By the way God, I wouldn't mind a unicorn...) My point is, He has no limits. There's nothing He can't do. Yet we pray for big things and don't surrender them. We ask for His help and then we snatch the problem back. It's like we're walking up with a broken toy, He has the super glue, and we ask Him to fix it but as soon as He reaches for it, we grab it back and run away. And then complain that He didn't fix it yet... But oh, we'll grumble and lament how much this is growing our faith and we're sure God will work in His own time, yada yada. Yes. God will work in His own time. But did we really even give Him that time? He can't work with what we haven't given Him. We have to surrender first.

“For the mindset of the flesh is death, but the mindset of the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6

So, this one was interesting. Because we pretend this life is so important. And it is, to some extent. But there's a certain balance we have to obtain. This life only goes so far, today only lasts so long, and tomorrow doesn't hold the answer. The answer is not in the world. The answer is in the Word. Because the mindset of flesh is death. We run our lives like it's a marathon, filling up the time with activities and routine, just waiting for retirement. Just waiting for that porch and swing. As if that were the goal! And then everyone who gets to that point turns back and tells us to enjoy our life, take joy in the little things, and don't let time fly by. So what do we do? We turn around and stuff our lives with even MORE activities. Quick, let's do this while we can, and hurry! Take a picture! There, now we can remember we took 2 seconds to stop moving and take that picture. Yippee.

“Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength.” Isaiah 40:30-31

This verse gives me hope. Because honestly, I may be young but I'm out of shape. And I'm clumsy. So if I rely on my own strength, it doesn't get me far. Sure, my pride makes me try it anyway. And sometimes I succeed. But more often than not I fall flat on my face. But looking at examples other than yours truly, like the Olympic athletes, that I can understand. Those people are training constantly, they live for the competition. And God has more reliability than they do. Let's face it, if Olympic athletes can't beat God's strength, then we need to admit that we can't either. Macho or not, prideful or not. We can't. We are weak. But in our weakness, His strength shines through. My back may make me a lot weaker than other people, it may give me certain handicaps that others don't have. But when we look to God, we're all the same and He is still Superman flying in to save us. That is why He is amazing. Because He doesn't wait for us to say, 'Ok now it's your turn, I went this far....' No, sometimes He just bursts through the door, lifts the weight we were struggling with, and then turns around to hand us the gold medal. How cool is that?!

“I heard every creature in heaven, on earth, under the earth, on the sea, and everything in them say: Blessing and honor and glory and dominion to the One seated on the throne, and to the Lamb, forever and ever!” Revelation 5:13

This is my last verse because it's awesome. How many times do we stop at a sunset, or a pretty flower, or the ocean, or a billowy cloudy day, just to think: “Wow. God did good today.” I'm 99.9% sure that if flowers had heads, they would be beating them against the ground. Because every day, every second, our eyes see something wonderful that God made. And yet we don't thank Him for it, or praise His handiwork. How much do we praise the talented artists, singers, painters, scientists, etc of our day? We spend years studying them! We spend year studying the information they gave us! But God has created every atom, and we don't stop to think about it except maybe every now and then when it catches our eye. It should catch our eye every second. Look at your hands. Study them! The veins beneath the skin, the bones, the joints, their touch, your fingertips, the lines and muscles in them. It's pretty amazing to think the same God who created those hands also loves us enough to give us taste buds, sunsets, flowers, feelings, intelligence, and unique character traits. He formed your hands. Every hair on your head. Every toe, His fingerprints on your toes. He molded your arms! And made sure your nose was just right...

My last note is just this, all of these verses are from a devo I was given called Jesus Calling. And it challenges you each day to listen to God every day. No distractions, no multitasking, no doing it on the go. Just sit. And listen. Talk some, listen some, praise some, maybe cry some. It's been tough for me at times, because I'm a huge multitask-er and my mind is always thinking of the billions of things I could be doing in a spare moment. But once you start taking an hour, every day, to just sit still and be in uninterrupted community with the One who calls you beloved, it's hard to miss a day. You begin to rely on that private time, and an hour is no longer enough. So I challenge everyone, just try it this weekend. Tomorrow and Sunday (church doesn't count as your Sunday hour), just read a few verses. Dwell on them, turn them over in your mind, empathize different words in them, and then sit and listen.

It's amazing what you might hear.

Greater Things Are Yet To Come

But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus-- the work of telling others the Good News about God's wonderful kindness and love. -Acts 20:24

I found this verse right before I sent out my first newsletter about YWAM. Since then, I've tried to make it my motto. Because to be honest, I've tried living my life every other way. I've tried living for myself. I've tried living for friends, boyfriends, and vague religious programs or goals. It doesn't work. And more than not working, it makes me miserable. Every time I take my eyes off of Jesus, things start to spiral out of control. Not that life isn't just as crazy with Jesus, but it's a matter of perspective. It's like when you're spinning on a merry-go-round. I used to play on them all the time as a kid, and I loved them! When you're on one, you have two options. Either you stare off of it at the world flying by, getting dizzy and disoriented. Or you stare at the center, and you focus on that spot rather than focusing on all the other changing things.

It's like that with Jesus. This life is spinning around so fast, and we're just sitting there hanging on for dear life. Sometimes it goes so fast we lose our grip and fall off. But when you hold tight and look to Jesus, that doesn't happen nearly as often. Because He is the rock of our foundation. It truly is meant to be. We were created to be with Him, and to love Him. Out of loving Him, we find our purpose in fulfilling the plans He has for us. It usually takes me a while to figure out those plans. I mean, not only am I stubborn but I also am a dreamer. I see a leaf and my mind jumps to autumn, leaves falling, raking the leaves, this one vacation in North Carolina where me and my two older siblings raked the leaves and jumped in. I'll remember all my green autumn and winters spent in the Caribbean. Maybe I'll think how beautiful the different colors are, how amazing the webbing, and how intricate the design. It's amazing to me to think through all the little things. God is everywhere.

So if God is everywhere, on this merry-go-round life and in the little leaves falling daily, then doesn't it make sense that He is in our plans? I personally love dreaming up new plans. Slight possibility I might go somewhere new? Awesome! I start imagining what may happen there the minute I find out. But where the dreams meet reality is when those musings start happening. And what's really cool is remembering old dreams that are now coming true. I love that feeling. It suddenly feels like dejah vu, and then you realize it's because you've been longing for this for so long! What's greater is taking a moment to think about it, and then realizing that God waited for just the right moment to allow it to happen.

All the ways that God surprises us, all the ways we hold tight or let go, all the times we witness our dreams. It's in those little moments that big things happen. Waiting in line at the airport, staring out the window on a long car ride. Or walking under the stars. I did that last night. It was such a gorgeous night! The moon was shinning like day, the night was crisp and clear. And I was walking just thinking, “How many nights did I look up in longing at all the clouds in Honduras? Trying to settle for the small glimpses of sky between clouds? My soul nearly bursting just to see the full sky again... And now here I am. This is it. That beautiful sky I yearned for for so long.” I stood in awe under that night sky. And as I walked, a song came to me. It's come over the past few months at random times. We would sing it at Bible study in Siguatepeque, I sang it on a prayer walk in San Pedro, Belize, and I sang it last night. To me, it was an answer to prayer to be singing it. I don't know where it came from, but I could feel God all around me in the cold night air. And it brought me peace to walk along that road, under the open sky, my heart nearly bursting as I sang. That's my quiet moment with God. That's when I know I'm close to Him, and He's walking beside me faithfully.

“Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city”

Only Grace and Gratefulness

Only Grace. I'm not talking about me, that's a song title. So often I feel like God is crazy. I mean, we do everything humanly possible to spit in His face and rebel against Him. And yet He still loves us and provides for us. That's crazy! But really, it's not crazy. It's grace. His amazing grace is why He never gives up on us. I love thinking about that. I used to not like my name, because so many times I'd be the point of the jokes. “Oh look, it's amazing Grace!” I didn't show how much I disliked it, I just wished I could have my own name you know? But now, I'm grateful for my name. Because whenever I forget how truly great God is (which is constantly), all it takes is someone calling out my name and I hear it like a thunderclap. Grace. You're alive today, because of His grace.

I'm not really meaning to talk about grace today, although it's a great topic. Lately, I've been less than cheerful sometimes. I look around and I see everything looking so perfect, and then I look at my life. It's all over the place and unpredictable. So I do what is perfectly natural in that kind of situation. I complain. I complain to myself, I complain to God, I complain to my mom and my friends. I use such extremes and paint myself so well as the victim. But really, how much of a victim am I? I am living in one of the richest countries in the world, I have a roof over my head, food each day, even hot warm and warm clothes! Not to mention an amazing group of family and friends. Who else can say that much? Most people in the world can't. Yet I still decide to be self-centered, and see only the bad in my life.

Well, that is until I'm slapped awake again. I'm constantly falling asleep and being awoken to the amazing blessings I have in my life. What's more humbling is that God not only fulfills my existence needs, He fulfills the very things I complain about too. It's been truly amazing to see God work in my life lately. Because it seems not even 15 minutes after I get done complaining about something, someone says something or does something that fulfills the very thing I was lamenting! Moving cross countries is a difficult time, because I'm not Honduran assimilating to America. Yet I'm not even American coming home after a long time. I'm a TCK, Third Culture Kid. I have no country, but I look like I belong here in America. Even though that makes settling down in America hard, I think I too often use it as just another excuse to complain. But really, honestly, what right have I to complain? Absolutely none. I am blessed to have parents who would travel hundreds of miles to see me settled in properly, siblings who call and write and care to see how I'm doing, and friends who don't ditch me no matter how much I complain! (Thanks yall!)

To use an example of complaining/fulfillment, just last week I was waiting for my parents in our church office while they were in a meeting. I was a little bitter earlier that day, and had been talking with my mom about it and just letting all my frustrations out. I felt more and more lost in the crowd as our church got bigger and bigger over the years, and it was especially hard after I came back this time. Because my church back in Honduras is a much smaller church. There is no stage, there are no bright lights or fancy decorations. It's just a simply building, rented out monthly in downtown Siguatepeque. I think it used to be a grocery store? Anyways, going to the building there was like going to a small group. There would be roughly 30-50 of us each Sunday, and it was enough that everyone was a familiar face and everyone greeted each other. Our sermons weren't fancy, but I loved them because they were discussion based. Have a question? Ask it! There was no problem with deviating from the subject for a minute or two. And then Wednesday nights, our small group spent maybe 10 minutes actually looking at the verses, and the rest of the time was spent discussing what we thought it meant or how it affected our lives. Everything was diving deeper into what we thought and believed. You couldn't fake it easily there. So it was definitely hard sitting in a mega-church again back here in Texas.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing mega-churches or anything. And I do love my church, it's been my home ever since I was a kid. But I was so discouraged and I only kept comparing and complaining when I first went back. So back to the story, I was sitting in our church office after complaining to my mum about everything I just mentioned and asking her whether I should leave the church of not. I'm still conflicted about if there's a time for you to leave the church, I don't think it should be a decision made lightly. As I sat there, thinking about everything that was said and trying to figure out what I believed and what I should do, I could feel God tapping me. And I knew He was telling me to just give it another try, with an open mind this time. I really didn't want to hear it, but I also desperately wanted the spirit growth and nourishment that I'd become accustom to and needed so badly during this time of transition. So I was struggling with this when in walked my old youth pastor! Which was a huge surprise because I thought I wouldn't see him again until I went to Haiti at some unknown time in the future. He and his family are called to be missionaries there, and they leave in just 53 days. We talked for a bit and it was so encouraging! I knew I had my final answer from God: stay.

No matter what I complain of, God is right there, sometimes the very next minute, fulfilling it. In little ways, which others might not even realize, that make a world of difference. And over this past week I've learned that a mega-church is not less personal, you just have to look for community. It doesn't merely happen. But I think that's a good thing. After all what do we appreciate more, things that just happen or things we have to work for? Now I'm grateful for this period, because I'm claiming my faith and actively seeking it out. It's not always easy, in fact most of the time it's really hard. But in the end, I'm not just a person struggling against all these obstacles alone. And for that, I am truly and deeply grateful. I try to remember each time God has provided for me when I begin to complain again, even to myself. And it really does help to silence my complaints and change my spirit into one of thanksgiving. So what things do you work for? What things just happen that you haven't considered how lucky that is? I hope the many blessings crowd in on your mind and overwhelm you!

(Sorry this one was super long)

Lone Star State

So, I made it to Texas! After working towards this goal for nearing 4 years, it seems odd that I would be able to pick up and leave it so soon... But Lord willing, that's what I'm hoping to do in January. I still love Texas, and there are no words for how amazing it felt to see that big, open Texan sky today. However I feel drawn away too. To this strange ministry, and an unknown place. I've never felt any calling for overseas missions, on the contrary I often became angry at God for taking me so far away and vowed I'd never become a missionary. It always seemed wrong to me that Americans tried to be “lights in dark places” when their own country was not in shape. Why would a doctor whose daughter is sick go to the neighbors' first?

Perhaps it was this anger and frustration at short term missions that made me vow not to go into overseas missions at all. I've always done things in the extreme, and my vow was no different. How differently God works though... All my life, whenever I say I will never go somewhere, I end up going there! It seems I only cling to the present and refuse to surrender one foot of ground, until finally God was to use others in my life to move me and change me. Not an easy task considering how stubborn I am.

But going to YWAM changed my view of missions. I no longer see it as something that Americans do to look good. I see it as something people truly on fire for God are called to. Not Americans, or Europeans, or Asians, etc. Those who love God. Because when you love and follow God, country and languages do not matter. Only that love and devotion. And having this new view of missions ignited a spark in me. I've always wanted to counsel and try to help those in my own “home” country. And now I realize that my home is nowhere. I have no home. I used to think that was bad thing, it kept me up at night and drove me crazy in my quest for belonging. But now I realize that to have no home is a blessing. I can leave anywhere and not feel too much anguish. And with this acquired ability to leave easily and assimilate anywhere, I have the destination for my calling. Anywhere.

No matter where I am, that is where I am supposed to be. That is where I can help. Helping is not a profound calling. It's the simplest calling there is. Because helping can be anything from a smile, to saving someone's life. Sometimes a smile IS saving someone's life. You never know. The point is, to never underestimate the little things. Because the big things are out of our control, and the little things are the ones that matter most. So what little things are you ignoring today?

Florida

The sunshine state! I'm in Florida now, visiting my Granny for a bit before I fly out to Texas. My last week in Honduras, (besides getting really sick at the beginning), was the best I could have wished for. We had cake at my last Bible study, and a subsequent cake fight broke out, and I was able to see everyone and say goodbye. I had game nights with my friends and on Friday spent the day at my local YWAM base. I got excited for my DTS all over again! :) After that I sent out my first newsletter on Saturday night, and it was definitely different to be the one writing the newsletter! I certainly appreciate my Dad doing it every month for so long, I don't know how he makes it seem so easy.

Sunday was my last day in Honduras, and I was able to get packed and be able to hang out with my friends for the majority of the day. At church I came downstairs to see "WE'LL MISS YOU" painted on the big front windows in bright pink, and overall I think it was the best leaving anyone could wish for! All that stuff about leaving correctly I think finally imprinted itself on my mind, and I feel peace and closure about moving away. I already miss my family there, but I'm looking forward to getting to Texas and settling down there. The good ol' Lone Star State has always held my heart! I'm so excited to finally live there again.

Being in America is odd and natural at the same time. It's strange to look around and see so many people caught up in their own world. It seems like I can't look out the window of the car without thinking how much good all those people would do if they just didn't have to have the newest car, or the brand name of something. So much money is wasted on a name! I read somewhere that if Americans gave up eating just 10% of the meat they currently eat every year, it would save enough to feed 100 million people. I know that seems like a large and impossible number, but it was in my chemistry book. I guess I'll get used to the consumerism eventually. But to some extent, I hope I never do. I hope I'm able to save and penny pinch enough to live on a budget and still be able to give considerably. It seems like giving is so much more satisfying than spending. But it is really nice to finally have some American royalties again. I did a little happy dance at being able to use hulu.com again! Legal online tv watching! haha

Since I've been here, I've also been blow away by how nice people are. Not all people of course, but I had become somewhat prejudiced in the way I assumed all people living in the States were. Little things like talking with the cashier at Wal-Mart, or a little old lady who is a self-proclaimed Scrooge, I love talking to people and seeing them open up. It's like watching a flower bloom right in front of your eyes! I'm excited to get to Texas and find different places I can volunteer at.

Well, I guess this is a long enough post for now, so I hope everyone has a good week! Dios te bendiga(:

How It Began

This is how it all began, and it's not a flowers and butterflies story that gives you a morsel to make you feel good and then let's you go on with your life. But it is the beginning.

About 2 months ago, I started hearing about this ministry called YWAM in our town. I didn't pay much attention to it, after all there's a lot of ministries out there. I knew my youth pastor here was a part of it, and I thought it was cool but that was it. Later, as I talked more with my youth pastor and one of the other leaders, I started hearing about this thing called DTS. It stands for Discipleship Training School. It sounded like a good program, but I had already planned to move back to Texas (my heart's desire ever since I left). So I kind of ignored any little nudge I may have felt and went on my way. Then my mom told me there was a week-long Discover DTS in Belize that I could possibly go to. Now I could actually give the thought some credit; it didn't interfere with my moving plans and I'm always up for visiting another country!

Throughout the process, I was only halfhearted when my dad asked if I really wanted to go, what else I might want to do in the country if we had a couple extra days, etc. But for some unknown reason, my dad wasn't effected by my apathy. He searched every spare moment trying to find a way to make everything work. First buses, then boat taxis, and finally he scored cheap plane tickets. His perseverance was kind of shocking to me since I didn't see my attendance as anything terribly special. My dad must have felt God's will though, because going to Destination Paradise YWAM Belize was one of the best decisions of my life.

Back up 6 months ago, and I wasn't in such a good place. I had stopped listening to God's voice for about a year, and my only goal in life was to do the unexpected. To take people's expectations of me and smash them; push the limits and break out of any stereotypes that might be inflicted on me. And I was doing a good job of it. But my soul was in turmoil. The more I turned from God, the deeper my depression grew. Depression I had been battling with since my early teens. It's tough being a missionary kid, and I felt cheated by the church and God for how often my life seemed to drastically change. The constant pain I deal with because of my scoliosis only increased my anger at God. Why would He create my life if it was only going to be loneliness and pain? I knew God was watching me, I've always been able to feel His presence beside me. But I didn't want Him to just be beside me, I needed to be held. I saw no point in living, and regularly wished I could end my life and just go to heaven. Several times I tried. I can still remember each time exactly. The thoughts going through my head, the lies I heard in my own voice saying I was worthless and nobody would mourn my loss... Inadequacy turned to fear, I started to panic at any thought of change. Again, I felt unworthy because I couldn't even control my own mind. Some nights I would weep in my loneliness, feeling a huge void but not willing to allow God in because of my hurt and anger. Finally, my parents had enough of my rebellion. They put me through what I can only describe as boot camp at home. And although at the time I resented them for it and tried to withdraw inside myself, I could still feel God watching me as if He were hoping I would at last see His truth. And the coldness was chipped away a little at a time. My parents deserve a Nobel Prize for their patience, understanding, and gentleness. Although nobody is perfect, they did a pretty job in turning me around. To some extent, I was changed. But the lies embedded long ago in my mind were not so easily broken. Like chains they held me down until I had lost all passion. I truly believed God's promise didn't apply to me, I was too broken and messed up. I was not worthy, and I was not acceptable. I regularly cut myself in punishment for my worthlessness.

It was at this time that I started to hear more about YWAM. And as I went more and more often to the youth group held in my church by one of the YWAMers, I started to doubt my old beliefs. Maybe I was wrong to think God didn't act in this life. Maybe I was wrong to think I wasn't His daughter just because of the things I had done. And a distant light formed at the end of my years of a dark tunnel. Missie, a YWAMer completely in love with Jesus, was instrumental in this time. No matter how many blank stares she got in youth, from our shock at such a passionate display of belief, she never wavered. She was always so open about her trust in God, her belief in His love, and her belief in His forgiveness. It was like water in a dessert. Though still trying to keep my distance after years of hurt, I couldn't help but be impacted by her. She believed God spoke directly to us, and she didn't just say that, she really believed it! And it had really happened to her. It wasn't in the false, flashy way we see advertised. “God Wants You To Be Happy!” “Hear God's Voice- TODAY! (For just $9.99!)” It was simple. And in its simplicity, was the seal of authenticity.

So here I was slowly being worked over by God, when I was whizzed away for a week on the beach for this 'destination paradise' experience. My main reason for excitement was getting a tan! But God had a goal a bit bigger than a little time in the sun... He didn't waste any time either. The first night I was there, I was bombarded by hospitality and friendliness by everyone on the base. It caught me a little off-guard, but I was eager to see what the week would bring. The next morning, I nearly cried right in the middle of worship. Here these people were, hundreds of miles from where they started, joyfully standing in a open room with an iPod playing worship music. Yet their hearts were in the heavens. I watched as one after another praised God with real love and desire for Him. As even the guys were standing, unashamed in their love and worship. My wall was broken down that first morning in worship. And it took all my years of careful training not to fall apart on the spot. But I knew God wasn't content to just break down my wall, and I walked around trying to avoid the thoughts that were coming. I knew He was going to try me soon, I knew He was going to offer yet again. Carefully I continued to tell myself that with me it just was really different. With me, it couldn't be so easy. And clearly, it wasn't easy if I was anxious even at the thought of surrendering all the pain and anger I'd carried around for years. In that state of mind I integrated myself into the life on the base, for two days I was only half way showing my face. At times I would made one remark or two, but never too much and always watching to see how everyone else was acting. As the week progressed, God stepped up.

September 21^st. Wednesday. I was sitting outside, thinking over that morning's worship and trying to understand how to accept what I was hearing when my small group leader came out and joined me. I hoped she couldn't see my struggle written all over my face, but she didn't mention it. Only asking if I wanted to go talk a bit, she lead me down to the beach and started telling me what God had told her. Dumbstruck I listened to her speak of the pain I had deep inside me, that God was wanting to wipe away. Covering up that pain was a skill I had perfected and was proud of! How could she know so easily? It seemed like every word that needed to be said to me, God had already given her! I was almost scared of it. And I was definitely scared of surrendering! Staring out across the ocean, I mumbled and stumbled through my words and tried to describe the pain I felt and had carried all these years. Alternately praying and talking, I don't even know how long we sat there. I just know that I was scared as a child on the edge of the diving board, but I knew I wanted to take that plunge. So I did. I offered all my pain to God, I surrendered my anger. Placing in His hands my tattered wounded heart that I had clung to so desperately for so long, I found it. I found a clean slate. I couldn't even feel any pain or resentment or anger when I tried to remember my past. Nothing. I was accepted!

My short stay at DP YWAM Belize will impacted my life forever. Everyone there was supportive, accepting, and open with me. They weren't afraid to say what they felt God telling them and they were 100% behind me all the way, from the staff to the students. Now it's my turn. I know there's a reason I'm applying to the Discipleship Training School at the YWAM base in San Francisco, California. Not only do I want to learn the true nature of my Lord and Savior, but I want to be equipped to show others the love and freedom I received through the power and forgiveness of God.

This is my story, and this is my mission. I ask that you pray with me as I continue to seek God's guidance and wisdom on this new journey. Through Him, all things are possible! And I'm excited and joyful in my hope that one day I can help others to see His faithfulness and mercy wherever He leads me. If you feel led, in addition to prayer I also am trying to raise $6,400 to pay for the DTS program. To my small comprehension that's a huge chuck of money, but I know to God it is only pocket change. Before you make a donation, please pray about it and be sure it God's will that you help support me. Prayers are much more valuable to me than any worldly goods. I hope that I was able to encourage you and sing God's praises in this newsletter, and if you would like to keep receiving my newsletters as I continue this journey, simply reply to this email saying so and I will keep you on the list! Thank you for reading this lengthy story, and may God reveal Himself to you daily.