The Mountains Are The Same

The view from my house is still the same. The plaza downtown still has the same hustle and bustle around it. The mountains look the same. My dogs are the same-- fatter, but the same.

Everything is the same.

It's as though time has stopped and gone back, and I've simply returned home. I was shocked at how normal and unchanged everything is because as a missionary kid, it's a hazard of the lifestyle: constant change. So to return home and find your host country deliciously the same, is almost too good to be true! When you leave, you have this foreboding feeling that things will never be the same. It's comforting to find that some things remain constant. Thus far I haven't done much but I am looking forward to a trip into the big city this weekend to visit a couple who co-hosted the Re-Entry Retreat that helped so many of us prepare to go back to the U.S.

Tonight I am going to dinner with one of my friends and mentors from the local YWAM base, and we are going to catch up and discuss when Winston and I can go over there to volunteer. I'm excited to see how the base has changed and grown however there is a very bittersweet moment to going. If you keep up with my Facebook, you may remember when I was frantically posting almost every day imploring prayer for the base leader for my hometown as he battled cancer. Sadly, he lost that battle. And I am a little hesitant to see how it is there without him... His smile, jokes and openness eased many people into trusting him and he deserved the trust. He is greatly missed.

On a practical note, I am still raising funds to pay off my ticket down here and I am lacking $400. Thank you to everyone who donated so far! It means a lot to me. And if I can impose more, we are needing to take one of my dogs back to the States when Winston and I returned on the 21st July. This is one of the purebred Brittanys that we originally brought with us here but she is aging and does not do well in the weather and bugs here so it has been decided that it would be best to bring her back. I am budgeting and looking and stretching my money as much as I can to do this myself, but as most of you know, I'm not rich. I need help to make this happen. I have researched it ever since I got here on Wednesday and I have found out all the papers I need and the most likely cost of transporting her (vet bills, plane ticket, carrier) will be $325. This would mean in total, I am asking for $725. I think is a lot! But I am trusting that God's will can be done in this and that regardless of what happens, it will all work out for His glory in the end.

Please pray as I try to navigate the waters of finding a reliable vet, getting the papers, carrier, etc for this trip and for the funds. If you can and are willing to donate, you can click on my PayPal donate button on the top right of this page or go to my GoFundMe page. My plane ticket page which still needs $400 is at: http://www.gofundme.com/ad0ha0 and the page to donate for bringing Gabby home is: http://www.gofundme.com/atmoq0

Thank you for your thoughts, prayer and donations!

Worship and A Boyfriend

It’s been a while since I last updated. The past two weekends have come around and I always get the same thought: “Oh! I really need to update my blog! I’ll do it after I finish painting/feeding the animals/running this errand/etc.” And obviously, I never get around to it... But unlike my more recent posts which have only been me rambling and sharing what’s on my mind, this post has purpose. A particularly purposeful post! (Yay alliteration!)

This phase of patience after my DTS has been trying at times but God is definitely moving. I know that He is working through my life and the things I am experiencing and going through. And having a job yet having so much free time is giving me lots of time to process and think through the things from my DTS. Although I’m impatient usually, I am content where I am. And I have God’s promise for the future, which is priceless! That future step which I am looking towards is a School of Worship with YWAM. I’m looking at earning my degree with YWAM’s University of the Nations, and while I was in Italy on Outreach God told me that a School of Worship would be my next step. After patience. Patience first.

So while I am enjoying my period of patience and reliance on Him, I’d like to ask for prayer on my next step. The School of Worship which I am praying on attending is in Perth, Australia. Although the title may seem odd, the purpose of the School of Worship is the same as my DTS: to know God and make Him known. But this time, it’s through learning how to integrate worship into every aspect of my life and then in turn teach others to do the same. There's something about worship which draws my heart in. Even at the height of my depression and in the midst of my disbelief and hatred for the Church and missions, I couldn't help but soar to this wonderful place of blissful happiness whenever I worshiped God. And I couldn't stop myself from worshiping every time I went to church; in the past when I didn't trust God, it actually annoyed me! But now, I love my late-night worship sessions with my Abba. I love challenging myself to stand still in churches in America and worship the way we do here. I love coming home and worshiping through sign language, painting, writing, or just sitting on the ground and staring at the sky as I praise Him. I love worship and I can't wait to learn more about it!

As with all YWAM schools, it’s teaching but not all classes. Some people think that if I’m going to Australia I’ll be kicking back and having a grand ol’ time. Although I do expect to enjoy my SOW as much as I loved my DTS, and to enjoy the places I see as I fell in love with San Francisco and enjoyed Italy, my focus is not tourism. I don’t know why God has called me to do a SOW, but I believe it has a purpose in my life and my walk with Him. The first 2 and a half months of my SOW will be spent at the Perth YWAM base and after that my school will travel out to do Outreach, the country/countries we will go to I don’t yet know. I’m still in the admission process for this school, so I would really appreciate prayer that Jesus will lead me in this. Also, although I have a job right now and am saving up for this school, I will not be able to cover all the costs. I will be able to cover my classroom time, Lecture Phase, and probably plane tickets and some of Outreach. But Outreach, 2 and a half months on the mission field in another country, I will need help financially with. Please pray with me on this front. Plus, if I am accepted to the base there are Australian student visas to acquire and things like that. It’s a little daunting, but I’m excited to see what Jesus does! And I’m thankful for this time of rest to store up strength and energy to serve Him on the field again.

Now for my other news! As any of you who follow me on Facebook would perhaps have noticed, I have a boyfriend these days. Excuse me while I giggle and smile like a dork for a few minutes ... Ehem! So yeah, I have a boyfriend. Although if you had asked me in January if I was ever going to get married, I would have replied in the negative. I was going to be a nun! (Minus the convent and various rules that is—I like my short hair!) In January I was convinced that marriage, though okay for some people, was something I did NOT want. God worked heaps in renewing my view of marriage through the two married couples on my DTS (one couple who were my school leaders and the other couple were students). Through walking closely with them for 6 months, God taught me a lot about relationships and Christ in marriage which I didn't know before. And I came out of DTS with more optimism for marriage and less of a poor imagine of it.

As I grew on my DTS, God spoke volumes into my identity; He spoke volumes on that fact that I am and always will be His bride who He absolutely delights in! Now that’s a true reason to be giddy! And I distinctly remember that I was in Milan when He spoke that to me. I was having doubts and was confused about a certain guy (the one I’m currently dating), and so I took it to my Abba. I said, ‘Daddy I don’t know what he’s thinking and I don’t like being so unstable and unsure in my identity. It feels like a rollercoaster because I’m approaching this like my old relationships, but I’m not the old me. I have been made new! So please make the way I view myself and go into all my relationships (not just romantic) reflect more of the new me that You’re creating.’ And God spoke to me. I just re-read my journal entry for that day, May 29^th 2012, and I was in so much pain! I was all weakness and zero strength, and since my surgeries and before I have prided myself on being strong enough to be capable and able on my own. I prided my independence above all else. But I was broken and I saw that—God spoke Isaiah 62:5: “For as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so your God will rejoice over you.” And God kept telling me all the ways I was His bride the rest of Outreach. It was a magical time.

After many months of limited communication, (which shows Ben’s honor and respect in his desire not to impose during my “honeymoon with Jesus” [as DTS is called]), we started talking again when I returned home and was settled a bit. He invited me to visit him up in Ohio and while I was there we had several talks about where we want a relationship to go, where we want our relationship to go, and our commitment to God within our relationship. That was 23 days ago. And since then, God has been amazing! I’ve woken up every day and been blessed by Ben’s presence in my life. He challenges me to grow closer to God and rely more on Him than anyone else, he prays for me and always goes to God with things first. It’s amazing to be in a godly relationship for the first time in my life and experience all the blessings that come with that! Plus, I have living proof that good guys still very much exist. But he’s taken ;)

So that's my life these days. I hope yall have a good week!

Where Is God?

Where is God?

Not where is God in general, but where was God in my day? I was thinking this on Saturday, my weekend, my free time. An entire day passed and aside from a prayer of gratitude on the ride home from errands, I didn’t go to my Abba once! Not once! Where has my passion for Him gone? After I came home from DTS, it was Bible study or worship or intercession every day! It was diving into His word and learning new things about my life in Him all the time!

And now, where is God?
There’s something interesting that I’ve seen and I’d like to verbalize. I complain a lot. I complain about my Church, my life, my money and my circumstances. I envy other people’s seemingly so easy and normal lives. To me, it looks like movie lives DO exist. Because they’re all around me! Imagine, most people having carpet in their homes! And not just rugs, but real carpet. And AC! Pools? Multiple cars? They spend hundreds of dollars on their pets? The movies ARE based on real life.

Life in America anyways. Which brings me back to my point, after many years and tears I finally find myself back in the State that I begged God for incessantly. And am I thankful? No. I think of my Church, my life, my money and my circumstances. I need to slap myself over the head! Because it’s not my Church, it’s His bride. And it’s not my life, it’s His which He bought at the highest price. It’s not my money, it’s His that He’s lending me. And it’s not my circumstances, but His presence in them. But it’s hard to remember that. I’m constantly finding myself going through the process of me, me, me and then realizing how empty it makes me feel and running back to Abba.

I don’t want Him to be my second choice! I want Him to be my only choice. We sing songs about God being good to us, about God loving us and about devoting ourselves to God. And honestly, I’m seriously sick of all this mushy love-song crap that I keep hearing on the radio. Yes, God loves us. But we don’t say that humbly; it’s like when we’re singing it we do so with pride! We may sing “I’m a sinner but You are a Savior”, but we don’t really mean that. We don’t fall down and worship God JUST because He is God. We worship Him when He is good to us, when He loves us and when He gives us good times. But when was the last time we say a song not mentioning anything other than the fact that God is God? I’ll give an example.

I love Tenth Avenue North, I really do. But one of their most popular songs is misleading. I’m talking about Love Is Here. Only seconds into the song you hear, “Come to the Father you who work, and you’ll work no more.” Now my human side says, ‘yesss! I get to be lazy for eternity!’ Because that’s what it sounds like. What do you think heaven is going to be? Laying around, eating grapes and being immortal for an unfathomable length of forever? I don’t think so. And I don’t think it will be playing golf either (at least not all the time, though I do think God has many fun sides of heaven for us). God created us with a purpose, with drive and with ambition: a hunger to create and busy ourselves. If you took a honey bee away from flowers and it’s beehive, what would it do? Fly aimlessly around and then die. Work is not a bad thing! It’s a God thing!

I try not to forget this but it happens. And then I hear songs like Love Is Here, and I wonder how many Christians are deluded and think that if they just stay away from the big sins and go to Church on Sundays, then one day they will get to be lazy for eternity. Oh, and with angels serving us of course. That is not heaven... That is hell. If this earth does not teach us that selfishness is the pit of hell, then there is little hope for us. We spend our lives constantly chasing our own desires, and look around! America is miserable in her wealth. We spend more than we have so we can get that new car, that new TV, or that new expansion on our house. We call in “sick” because “we deserve a day off!” There is a reason there are so many quotes from successful people telling us to find what it is that we truly love and work at that for the rest of our lives. Because that is what heaven is! That is where God is in our lives.

But I digress. My point is, God is not nearly as present in my mind as I wish He was. And that responsibility falls on me. I’m the one who let my worship sessions and quiet times slip, only doing them every 3 or 5 or 7 days... That’s my fault. I’m the one who goes to work and only thanks God maybe every 1 in 10 prayers. The other 9 are spent asking God to make work go smoothly. Selfish.

So here’s my new goal, and I want to be held accountable to it. If you read this and it’s not because you accidentally clicked on this link instead of that YouTube video of the cat chasing the laser beam, then I ask you to help hold me accountable. If you remember, it would be appreciated. Okay, so here goes:

1. I want to put a spending freeze on the money God has given me so I have more to give others who I want to support overseas

2. I want to spend at least 15 minutes with Jesus every day, no matter if it’s worship, prayer, Bible reading or just sitting in His presence. I need that time, and 15 minutes is so minimal...

3. I want to be more thankful and less envious, practically I want to rejoice with those who can rejoice in the blessings God has given them and I want to rejoice in the blessings He has given me. (Which are many, contrary to my envious thought-process)

4. I want to spend at the most 1 hour on the Internet every day. That includes emails, research, and job searching. If I've only committed 15 minutes to Jesus, I don’t need 5 hours on the Internet... (This excludes Skype, since that’s the only way I can call my parents :P)

So, if you’re game, please help keep me accountable in this! :)

Jesus Loves China

Globalism. The dreaded evil! Such a terrible thing—it means the end times are close right?

They said that during the First World War too. And you can be sure they said it during the Second WW! Why is our time special? Why is the end now? The Israelites thought it was the end, the Messiah must come, over and over. They didn’t ask for Moses, they groaned for their Messiah. They didn’t get Him for quite a long time after that... Yeah, our times are evil. There is the murder of innocents, there is exploitation, there is inequality everywhere, and sex trafficking in sickening numbers. And the earth is being poisoned. These are indeed evil times.

Where are the Christians? Why is the only stand we seem to take outside a Chick-Fil-A? Nothing wrong with taking a stand in front of businesses we support. But is that so special, when there is no outrage over all the “Gentlemen’s” clubs? They have absolutely nothing to do with gentlemen, because a true gentleman would never be in there unless it was to bust the place to the ground. Where are our men? Where are our women? Why are we not moving to action? Why do we only write words on the Internet and stand around wagging our heads at “something needs to be done!” speeches? (Yes, I’m writing this on the Internet, clearly I’m not just talking to others.)

I often hear that Globalism is a great evil, that with it the Mark of the Beast will come. That the United Nations will one day take control of every country. I just have to wonder... Why did the UN come into existence in the first place? Peace and order, right? Supposedly. But I wonder if Christians had been unbiasedly helping the world as we ought, would the world have seen a need for the UN? What if the body of Christ was so unified throughout every nation that there was no need for a secular United Nations? What if the nations were already united—through Christ? Okay, what if such efforts aren’t Biblical. What if we aren’t supposed to bring religion into hospitals, businesses, government, and aid endeavors? Or, what if we are only supposed to help those relief organizations which are Christian? What if we’re not allowed to support non-Christian relief organizations?

As ridiculous as that may sound, I have heard MANY conversations which testify that those claims are believed. If they aren’t outright said, they are implied and generally agreed with. In America we are for America, we are for the Western style of Christianity that we have. We are for singing America The Beautiful in church, because we all know Jesus loves America.
No. Not more or less than He loves Egypt, Iran, Afghanistan, China, North Korea. Yes, Jesus loves North Korea. (He even loves the French!) North Korea is even 1,000 miles closer to Bethlehem than Dallas is. China is 2,500 miles closer. America is by no means special to Jesus’ love. If you want to claim that our country was founded on Godly principles and that makes it better, fine. Go ahead. The nation of Israel was GOVERNED by God for years, so they must be the absolute best right? “Yeah but Israel turned their back on God and stuff...” Oh? And America hasn’t ever turned her back on God? News to me... A nation’s past matters, but not nearly as much as their present. And I’m not hating on America right now, I’m extremely grateful for America’s influence. Without America the world would be much worse off, but that does not make America a savior. It makes America a nation that the Savior uses now and then. We must get rid of this idea that America and the American way will save the world, she won’t. Only Jesus can do that.

Please, I BEG of Christians! Go. Don’t just talk, DO. We are called to make disciples, not give hand-outs. Hand-outs feed for a day, disciples feed for eternity. And if you don’t think it’s our business to help both Christian and non-Christian organizations, I point you to Galatians 6:10-
“Therefore, as we have opportunity, we must work for the good of all, especially for those who belong to the household of faith.”
Notice how it says we must work for the good of ALL? Not “all Christians”, not “all Americans”, not “all the people we like and all the orphans who look cute enough for us to give them money so they won’t starve.” ALL! EVERYONE! Yes, especially to those belonging to our household of faith. I would get on my hands and knees and beg people to support more missionaries. We tithe like we are doing God a favor, we put our money in the offering plate like we’re placing an order. “Long life, more money, and everything to go my way. I’ll give you another payment next week if you deliver the goods, ok?”

We have a lot of nerve talking to the Creator of the universe like we do in America. We have spunk to call ourselves Christians, mini-Christs, in a land where we style ourselves after the latest fad and the sexiest actor/actress we know of. The day we as Christians follow Galatians 6:10, I will weep. Because that sight will be so beautiful, so powerful, and so glorifying to our Abba. When we live for the spirit and not the flesh, realizing that we are not meant to chase the American dream but to chase God’s dream of His children giving up their personal comforts to help each other... that day will transform the world.

And yes, what I’m saying is you shouldn’t buy that 4^th flat screen TV and instead do something for the world He loves so.

Patience

Patience: “an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.”

Patience is something that I like to joke about. If you’re my friend, then you’ve probably heard me quip, “patience is a virtue!” at any annoying or frustrating situation. Although it earns me a sarcastic comment or glare from those dear people, there’s another reason I say it, (more than just to annoy and be that person), and that is to remind myself to be patient. I used to have a huge issue with patience and I couldn’t stand waiting for anything: I wanted it here and I wanted it now. I say “used to have” because I like to think that it is something God has been working on in me and I am improving. For instance...

While we were in Milan (a lot happened in Milan), we did a children’s evening program in a local park. We had puppets, face painting, crafts, etc. It was a lot of fun and it was incredible to be able to minister to all the random parents who were happily surprised to see us! It was a week long program. Every day before we went out, we would gather together to pray and sometimes worship before we went out and tried to share Jesus with those beautiful people. Our last day doing this ministry, we were sitting in a prayer circle when I was distracted and contemplating what on earth would be my next step. As I sat there it was like this email from God popped into my head! I sat up a little straighter and tried to focus on it but all I could see was the subject (“I love you”) the first line (“Dear Grace,”) and the signature (“Love, Abba”). So I sat there, a bit impatient and wanting to see the rest of this decently long email from my Abba. And nothing came... I waited and finally told God, “look! I really need to know what’s in this email because it’s clearly about me and I deserve to know and now I’m curious and You can’t do that to me!” And then a bit of the second line cleared, “When you get back...” And that was it. That was all I got. It was like God was chuckling at me and waiting for me to get the light bulb moment. I did after that second line cleared a little and I suddenly knew that God was talking about Texas, when I got back to Texas after DTS. And then I understood a little bit more, He was asking me to stay in Texas for a little while longer after I got back.

Now, as much as I love Texas and have been working to get back to it since I left when I was 8, I dreaded staying in Texas. I was telling one of my leaders just a few days before how much I really did NOT want to stay in Texas and how I wanted to go and do for Christ after DTS. But seeing that email, my heart started racing and at the same time this big peace came over me about my post-DTS life. I knew I was supposed to trust Him and have patience for however long He called me to stay in Texas. While this was still going through my mind, we transitioned into a time of worship. I got up to walk around and ended up sitting on the ground in front of a painting in the church titled: “Patience.” It was a sloping block that was meant to appear to start before the painting and end after, you couldn’t see the beginning or the end of it but you had a feeling it was incredibly long. Yet all you got to see was this one section of it. And it was like God whispered that to my heart: “Patience, Beloved... patience.”

I didn’t know what to say so I just sat there worshipping and telling my Abba that I would trust Him and do whatever He asked me to do, even if that meant staying in Texas.

Fast forward to now, I have been in Texas for over a month and I am growing almost as much as I did on DTS! I miss my team; our love, familiarity, the safety of knowing we’re in this together. And the basic atmosphere that is a Discipleship Training School, it’s hard to describe. Those people become closer than your family, you walk through every lesson together, you weep together and rejoice together. And so it ‘s a little hard and sad to be going through so many amazing lessons without those beautiful people just down the hall or in the bed next to me. I would happily jump on a plane and return to San Francisco for another 6 months with them! But, there’s also a new strength and a new passion that I’m discovering within myself. After the scheduled classes, the time set aside for worship, intercession, and Bible study by our staff, I am suddenly given back all my time and have the responsibility to do those things myself. At first, I was at a loss and didn’t know what to do with myself. I floundered, I struggled, and I didn’t know how to have a singular Bible study or worship session. Where was my community, my family?

Yesterday I spent a beautiful hour with my new community, my college group at my church. And as I drove home, it was like there was this dialogue in my head:

God: Remember when I told you to be patient when you came back to Texas?
Me: Oh yeah, that was in Milan. That was nice of you!
God: Yes, but this is what I meant.
Me: Huh? Oh! You mean I’ve finished and now I can go on my School of Worship sooner?!
God: ...No. I meant, there are things for you to learn here and to do here. And you’re starting to do them.

And it dawned on me. I have the extreme privilege of being able to volunteer at my church, to make myself completely available to any events or ministries. I get to serve my rather large community that makes up my home church! And sometimes, I even get to share with them. I was asked this morning to be the 9^th grade girls’ leader in my youth group for the semester. I was still sleeping when the text came in, but I came awake when I saw that. At first I wanted to be scared, ha! Me? Be a small group leader? That’s funny... But then a really big peace came over me. And I found myself texting back that it would be awesome. And God again whispered to my heart, “Things for you to learn and do here Daughter...”

And I could only stand in awe of Him. Honestly, I don’t know why of all people I am ever asked to help with events, teach a lesson, or become a small group leader. I don’t know how I got the reputation I apparently have. But I do know that I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity and support my church gives me. Even when it feels like I could get lost in the crowd, there’s always something that happens that reminds me God has a purpose for this stage of my life. This time of patience.


"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

A Changing Reality

Getting is not living. What is living?

Living, life, live: whatever form you take it in this existence we have is labeled. It’s stereotyped. While I enjoy stereotypes and continually will make references that are both stereotypical and ridiculous, there is one thing I enjoy more than stereotypes. And that is breaking them! I’ve done it since a small child. I’m a girl? I’ll like princesses and dolls? Watch me play with action figures and geek out about Star Wars! I’m a missionary kid? I must wear long skirts and look like I’m from a century ago? Watch me cut my hair into a Mohawk J

The point is, I don’t like being caged by what is expected. And that’s not because what is expected is bad but because I want more. I don’t want to just reach people who look a certain way, I want to reach everyone! I don’t want to be limited by cultural norms, I want to be all that I can possibly be! I want to not just fly but soar. I want to not just get by but excel. My determination is only tampered by my physical handicap and my monetary deficiency. But that doesn’t stop my mind from racing faster and faster, imagining more and more.

Yet sometimes there is a relapse. Sometimes there is a day when all those hopes meet reality and my soaring mind notices it is not actually moving. That day for me was yesterday. Last week was stressful and challenging but Friday, Saturday and Sunday Jesus did an amazing work and completely rejuvenated me. It was remarkable! Without slowing down in the slightest, I suddenly found new strength and a new thrill for life. I was riding high on this wave of enthusiasm when I came face-to-face with an unbalanced equation (humor me here, I am a geek). The imbalance was simple, for 4 years there had been this person transitioning inside of me. And I had a lot of memories of that person, memories that make me cringe and want to erase those years. And for the last year (accelerating on my DTS), a new Person was transforming that old person. In fact, you could say that 1 year replaced entirely those 4 years.

4 years changed by 1 year. The way Jesus works, 1 > 4 and 1 – 4 = +1. But the way math (and the human brain) works is 1 < 4 and 1 – 4 = -3. And yesterday I wasn’t thinking the Jesus way, I was thinking the me way. And all I could see was that big -3. And that big -3 and me had a showdown, very John Wayne and very dramatic. And the -3 ends up reducing my resolve and convincing me that when that rooster crows, I will fail (Matthew 26:34). And that failure will be permanent.

So there I was, at work on Sunday, just mulling over how much I will fail and how that will effectively end all my grand plans. And then, I’m asked to go pick up dinner at a restaurant. So I get in my car and my iPod starts on the same album that I listened to on the way to church. As I absentmindedly sing along,  (still lost in my thoughts), words coming out of my own mouth speak to my heart. “There are a million scars for every mistake, but we are not chained to the secrets that we’ve made.” I stopped dead when I sang that. My thoughts stopped, my mind stopped, and my voice stopped. The only thing that changed was my heart. I was silent and let those words fall over me, that -3 looking a little bit smaller. Then the next song came on, “If this waiting lasts forever, I’m afraid I might let go... Will there be a victory? Will you sing it over me now? ... I need a reason to sing, I need to know that You’re still holding the whole world in Your hands. I need a reason to sing.” And my heart couldn’t help but echo those words; this time beseeching God to answer me as I stared with dismay at that -3 still looming in front of me.

Finally the last song of my ride came on, “This is a call to all the dead and disappointed, the ones who feel like they are done. This is a word to all the ones who feel forgotten, that you are not.” And the rest of my trip was spent relishing the speed of my Savior and how quickly He comes to my rescue! Before I went to bed, I decided to check Facebook once more (yeah I know, it’s just addicting sometimes!) and I saw a blog had been updated that I follow so I went to read it. The title was simple, The Strength You Need, and in it the guy spoke of the temptations he faces and how he could not resist them without Jesus. In his closing paragraph he speaks to those going through trials as well and says, “Give Him the things you’re facing and in return, you’ll be given the strength it takes to not only survive but conquer.” (-Cory Copeland).

And that brought me back to that thought which I started this post with: what is living? When I read that paragraph in Cory’s post something stuck out to me, he was saying that God not only gives us the strength to get through things but to thrive and have victory over them. That is abundant life! (John 10:10) And that is something I will be pursuing until the day I die. Sometimes that is a lonely pursuit. And with that thought I remind myself, “Sin is contagious and can be passed from one person to another, but holiness is something you have to get on your own. ... Confess every known sin and stop every questionable behavior.”

Now I don't know where that -3 is and I don't care. The fact is, my life has been transformed and my reality has been changed. So it doesn't matter what other people think when they look at me and see that -3, because I know it holds no power over me. There is only one person who holds something over me-- that person is Jesus and He's holding love, dreams, and strength.

Why Dream?

What is it that makes us dream? What is it that makes us strive?

Sometimes, whatever that determination factor is, I feel like I’m missing it. Sometimes it seems that I’m just another dreamer; imagining changing a world that is already turned over or making a difference in people’s lives who have already been helped. But in reality, not doing anything other than dream. What left is there to do in this world?

Well, unless I missed something, Jesus isn’t living down the street from me. God isn’t the only Judge in the land. And the church is still a building. So clearly, heaven isn’t here yet. Bummer, right? Not exactly! See, while heaven isn’t here we get this unimaginable luxury. The luxury of making mistakes and being wrong. How terrific, we get to fail! That sounds terrible. I hate failing. But there is a principle that has stuck out to me and made a difference my entire life, even the times when I didn’t think God existed and I hated my parents and my own life. This principle is simple: do everything to the utmost best of your ability as if doing your work not for man, but for God. If you’ve spent any amount of time around me, you’ll have noticed my odd quirks and OCD freaky cleanliness regarding everything except my feet (I hate shoes). But thanks to heaven not being here yet, I fail at doing things perfectly. I do. It’s hard to believe, I know. Because I’m such a perfect person, right? (I was actually told once that I seemed perfect and I laughed in the person's face until I realized they were serious and then I felt really embarrassed...)

My mind would like to fool me into thinking I do well sometimes. But most days, it does the exact opposite. “You dusted the house and swept the kitchen? Psh! Why didn’t you scrub the bathroom and brush the dogs?! You’re so lazy!” That’s my inner monologue on my off-days. Yes, on my off-days, I clean. On my off-days, I don’t like to do things for myself. While that may seem honorable and very Christ-like of me, it’s actually because I still don’t value myself. In my own eyes, I have value...to be able to show others their value. But regarding myself, hmmm, value doesn’t really apply. Every morning there is the same old fight that goes through my head: “get up or else you're not doing your job and that means you're causing trouble" or "not going to ____ will ruin other people’s day and it will be all your fault!” Even church is like that, even my off-days are like that. I view myself as sort of a mule; stubborn as a donkey but half horse too. So I have some value- value to work. So I work.

And then, a good friend asks me about how full my life is. And not the busy kind of full, but full as fulfilling. As in, “I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance." (John 10:10) What does that mean, having life in abundance? My friend challenged me to not just find new ways to cope, but to discover what true healing is. As in surgery rather than a crutch. And the old ways I used to cope were indeed crutches. As reverse culture shock, struggles with driving, with American society as a whole, and with being a hidden immigrant have set in on me, those old ways of coping have come to mind again. More than anything, the temptation to swallow a pill or pick up a knife. I understand it’s hard for healthy people to understand how someone can harm themselves, how hurting can actually be something that someone enjoys. But I remember that twisted relief that came from creating, as I call them, another crimson tattoo on myself. There is relief in that action and it’s very a simple and easily done action. And that has been hard for me to overcome. And it’s also hard to admit now. I cut myself for years, going over the same places until now I have permanent red marks. But I’ve only been speaking about it for less than a year.

Why am I talking about it now? Please realize it’s not to draw attention to myself. So if you think I’m saying this (and you’re reading this) for shock and awe, please close this page. Go away. No offense, but I don’t want you reading this if that’s what you think of me. Now, as I said at the beginning of this post, I wonder what it is that makes us dream and strive. I wonder, but I know too. I know that it’s God. The greatest inspiration is His world out there and that’s where all the creating happens. In me, the same old processes will happen. “There is nothing new under the sun.” I’d actually change that statement, (no hard feelings to the poor cynical writer of Ecclesiastes), but I would venture to say that there is eternal diversity under the sun and the same process necessary in man. That process is the one of salvation, redemption, and creation.

Even though my Discipleship Training School is over, my journey is definitely not. Six months was one of the steps but it wasn’t the magic fix. God used that time tremendously to shape me, break me, and transform me. But these old patterns, ways of coping, and the fears and lies of the past are still in the back of my mind. So my journey right now is a continuation of my DTS trip. My path right now is to walk the road of redemption, to learn how to dream anew, and to try creating with my Abba’s blessing. It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time! But however I could describe it, it is me. My depression is not gone, boo -hoo. My anxiety is definitely not gone (panic attacks are lovely torments). And my doubt still plagues me. But I count all of these things as blessings because, like Paul, I have reasons to be completely dependent on God for the rest of my life. And that fact reassures me that there will never be a shortage of challenges and obstacles.

Because my God can overcome them. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to sleep so I can dream up some crazy plan to save the world that will be statistically impossible :)