A Changing Reality

Getting is not living. What is living?

Living, life, live: whatever form you take it in this existence we have is labeled. It’s stereotyped. While I enjoy stereotypes and continually will make references that are both stereotypical and ridiculous, there is one thing I enjoy more than stereotypes. And that is breaking them! I’ve done it since a small child. I’m a girl? I’ll like princesses and dolls? Watch me play with action figures and geek out about Star Wars! I’m a missionary kid? I must wear long skirts and look like I’m from a century ago? Watch me cut my hair into a Mohawk J

The point is, I don’t like being caged by what is expected. And that’s not because what is expected is bad but because I want more. I don’t want to just reach people who look a certain way, I want to reach everyone! I don’t want to be limited by cultural norms, I want to be all that I can possibly be! I want to not just fly but soar. I want to not just get by but excel. My determination is only tampered by my physical handicap and my monetary deficiency. But that doesn’t stop my mind from racing faster and faster, imagining more and more.

Yet sometimes there is a relapse. Sometimes there is a day when all those hopes meet reality and my soaring mind notices it is not actually moving. That day for me was yesterday. Last week was stressful and challenging but Friday, Saturday and Sunday Jesus did an amazing work and completely rejuvenated me. It was remarkable! Without slowing down in the slightest, I suddenly found new strength and a new thrill for life. I was riding high on this wave of enthusiasm when I came face-to-face with an unbalanced equation (humor me here, I am a geek). The imbalance was simple, for 4 years there had been this person transitioning inside of me. And I had a lot of memories of that person, memories that make me cringe and want to erase those years. And for the last year (accelerating on my DTS), a new Person was transforming that old person. In fact, you could say that 1 year replaced entirely those 4 years.

4 years changed by 1 year. The way Jesus works, 1 > 4 and 1 – 4 = +1. But the way math (and the human brain) works is 1 < 4 and 1 – 4 = -3. And yesterday I wasn’t thinking the Jesus way, I was thinking the me way. And all I could see was that big -3. And that big -3 and me had a showdown, very John Wayne and very dramatic. And the -3 ends up reducing my resolve and convincing me that when that rooster crows, I will fail (Matthew 26:34). And that failure will be permanent.

So there I was, at work on Sunday, just mulling over how much I will fail and how that will effectively end all my grand plans. And then, I’m asked to go pick up dinner at a restaurant. So I get in my car and my iPod starts on the same album that I listened to on the way to church. As I absentmindedly sing along,  (still lost in my thoughts), words coming out of my own mouth speak to my heart. “There are a million scars for every mistake, but we are not chained to the secrets that we’ve made.” I stopped dead when I sang that. My thoughts stopped, my mind stopped, and my voice stopped. The only thing that changed was my heart. I was silent and let those words fall over me, that -3 looking a little bit smaller. Then the next song came on, “If this waiting lasts forever, I’m afraid I might let go... Will there be a victory? Will you sing it over me now? ... I need a reason to sing, I need to know that You’re still holding the whole world in Your hands. I need a reason to sing.” And my heart couldn’t help but echo those words; this time beseeching God to answer me as I stared with dismay at that -3 still looming in front of me.

Finally the last song of my ride came on, “This is a call to all the dead and disappointed, the ones who feel like they are done. This is a word to all the ones who feel forgotten, that you are not.” And the rest of my trip was spent relishing the speed of my Savior and how quickly He comes to my rescue! Before I went to bed, I decided to check Facebook once more (yeah I know, it’s just addicting sometimes!) and I saw a blog had been updated that I follow so I went to read it. The title was simple, The Strength You Need, and in it the guy spoke of the temptations he faces and how he could not resist them without Jesus. In his closing paragraph he speaks to those going through trials as well and says, “Give Him the things you’re facing and in return, you’ll be given the strength it takes to not only survive but conquer.” (-Cory Copeland).

And that brought me back to that thought which I started this post with: what is living? When I read that paragraph in Cory’s post something stuck out to me, he was saying that God not only gives us the strength to get through things but to thrive and have victory over them. That is abundant life! (John 10:10) And that is something I will be pursuing until the day I die. Sometimes that is a lonely pursuit. And with that thought I remind myself, “Sin is contagious and can be passed from one person to another, but holiness is something you have to get on your own. ... Confess every known sin and stop every questionable behavior.”

Now I don't know where that -3 is and I don't care. The fact is, my life has been transformed and my reality has been changed. So it doesn't matter what other people think when they look at me and see that -3, because I know it holds no power over me. There is only one person who holds something over me-- that person is Jesus and He's holding love, dreams, and strength.