Why Dream?

What is it that makes us dream? What is it that makes us strive?

Sometimes, whatever that determination factor is, I feel like I’m missing it. Sometimes it seems that I’m just another dreamer; imagining changing a world that is already turned over or making a difference in people’s lives who have already been helped. But in reality, not doing anything other than dream. What left is there to do in this world?

Well, unless I missed something, Jesus isn’t living down the street from me. God isn’t the only Judge in the land. And the church is still a building. So clearly, heaven isn’t here yet. Bummer, right? Not exactly! See, while heaven isn’t here we get this unimaginable luxury. The luxury of making mistakes and being wrong. How terrific, we get to fail! That sounds terrible. I hate failing. But there is a principle that has stuck out to me and made a difference my entire life, even the times when I didn’t think God existed and I hated my parents and my own life. This principle is simple: do everything to the utmost best of your ability as if doing your work not for man, but for God. If you’ve spent any amount of time around me, you’ll have noticed my odd quirks and OCD freaky cleanliness regarding everything except my feet (I hate shoes). But thanks to heaven not being here yet, I fail at doing things perfectly. I do. It’s hard to believe, I know. Because I’m such a perfect person, right? (I was actually told once that I seemed perfect and I laughed in the person's face until I realized they were serious and then I felt really embarrassed...)

My mind would like to fool me into thinking I do well sometimes. But most days, it does the exact opposite. “You dusted the house and swept the kitchen? Psh! Why didn’t you scrub the bathroom and brush the dogs?! You’re so lazy!” That’s my inner monologue on my off-days. Yes, on my off-days, I clean. On my off-days, I don’t like to do things for myself. While that may seem honorable and very Christ-like of me, it’s actually because I still don’t value myself. In my own eyes, I have value...to be able to show others their value. But regarding myself, hmmm, value doesn’t really apply. Every morning there is the same old fight that goes through my head: “get up or else you're not doing your job and that means you're causing trouble" or "not going to ____ will ruin other people’s day and it will be all your fault!” Even church is like that, even my off-days are like that. I view myself as sort of a mule; stubborn as a donkey but half horse too. So I have some value- value to work. So I work.

And then, a good friend asks me about how full my life is. And not the busy kind of full, but full as fulfilling. As in, “I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance." (John 10:10) What does that mean, having life in abundance? My friend challenged me to not just find new ways to cope, but to discover what true healing is. As in surgery rather than a crutch. And the old ways I used to cope were indeed crutches. As reverse culture shock, struggles with driving, with American society as a whole, and with being a hidden immigrant have set in on me, those old ways of coping have come to mind again. More than anything, the temptation to swallow a pill or pick up a knife. I understand it’s hard for healthy people to understand how someone can harm themselves, how hurting can actually be something that someone enjoys. But I remember that twisted relief that came from creating, as I call them, another crimson tattoo on myself. There is relief in that action and it’s very a simple and easily done action. And that has been hard for me to overcome. And it’s also hard to admit now. I cut myself for years, going over the same places until now I have permanent red marks. But I’ve only been speaking about it for less than a year.

Why am I talking about it now? Please realize it’s not to draw attention to myself. So if you think I’m saying this (and you’re reading this) for shock and awe, please close this page. Go away. No offense, but I don’t want you reading this if that’s what you think of me. Now, as I said at the beginning of this post, I wonder what it is that makes us dream and strive. I wonder, but I know too. I know that it’s God. The greatest inspiration is His world out there and that’s where all the creating happens. In me, the same old processes will happen. “There is nothing new under the sun.” I’d actually change that statement, (no hard feelings to the poor cynical writer of Ecclesiastes), but I would venture to say that there is eternal diversity under the sun and the same process necessary in man. That process is the one of salvation, redemption, and creation.

Even though my Discipleship Training School is over, my journey is definitely not. Six months was one of the steps but it wasn’t the magic fix. God used that time tremendously to shape me, break me, and transform me. But these old patterns, ways of coping, and the fears and lies of the past are still in the back of my mind. So my journey right now is a continuation of my DTS trip. My path right now is to walk the road of redemption, to learn how to dream anew, and to try creating with my Abba’s blessing. It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time! But however I could describe it, it is me. My depression is not gone, boo -hoo. My anxiety is definitely not gone (panic attacks are lovely torments). And my doubt still plagues me. But I count all of these things as blessings because, like Paul, I have reasons to be completely dependent on God for the rest of my life. And that fact reassures me that there will never be a shortage of challenges and obstacles.

Because my God can overcome them. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to sleep so I can dream up some crazy plan to save the world that will be statistically impossible :)