Home on the Range

So I’m back in Texas. Many plane rides and a couple countries later, I’m back where my life started and where I somehow always end up sojourning before my next adventure... A week ago Thursday I graduated from my Discipleship Training School with YWAM. I can describe it as the single best experience of my life; while at the same time being one of the hardest things I have ever done! That’s a lot of absolutes but I truly mean it. DTS stretched me, pushed me, guided me, confused me at times, but with each step brought me closer to God. As I was thinking about my amazing ride on graduation night, it dawned on me that the catch-line of DTS, “to know God and make Him known”, is so much more than a catch-line. Ministries and churches make up new slogans every day. Whatever is catchy, has a nice ring to it, and will draw people in. But this line, “to know God and make Him known” is truly what happened. How can I describe it? Growing up in the church, I thought I knew every aspect of God because I sang Father Abraham as a kid, went on missions trips as a pre-teen, and lived on the mission field for most of my teen years. What more was there to know?

How could I know that there is so much more to know about God? There’s always more! God is like the never-ending gobstopper from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factor; you can suck on Him all you want but He’ll never get any smaller (metaphorically, since you can’t actually eat God...). But really, as absurd as that sounds, it’s true! So for everyone who helped put me through DTS, prayerfully and financially, thank you! You truly changed my life more than you will ever know.

If you’ve been following me from the beginning, you’ll remember that my story pre-DTS was not that pretty. I was definitely not walking right and my depression caused me daily to not only berate myself but also to harm myself. Not to mention that the will to live was non-existent as far as I was concerned. However God was concerned as well and He had a different plan, so He sent that angel of a YWAMer Missie to pray for me and to get me talking and considering Him again. (Hey Missie! Thanks again J) Finally, I went to Belize to check out the DTS program and there God broke through my walls of isolation and spoke to me. After that while praying about where to go for my DTS, God told me the random city of San Francisco. I was confused, but I applied and went anyways. Once I got there, I fell instantly in love with the city and my neighborhood (as you might have noticed if you read my last post). And over time, it was evident that God knew what He was doing in leading me to YWAM SF. Not all of DTS was easy; I actually struggled through most of it, floundering a lot and still getting depressed often. But I was determined that I had missed something in my life before concerning God and I wanted to learn what that was. So I chased after Him even when I doubted, even when I so desperately did not want to be there that I cut myself again because I still didn't know how to handle things any other way.

Then one dark night, I remember considering going for the knife again when God spoke that one word to me: hope. You have the right to hope and the reason to hope. So instead I went down to the basement, I blasted worship music as loud as I could and I wept in the presence of God. After that night, something changed. I knew somehow that I was not alone, that God was not a distant person keeping tabs on me, but that He was right beside me. Hurting with me and rejoicing with me; He was there through it all. And that knowledge lifted my spirits and gave me the endurance to go the rest of DTS pushing through each new obstacle and challenge that came up. I guess being stubborn finally paid off, because I was determined not to give in this time. And now here I am. Back where everything has always started- Texas. And I’m wondering, what is my next adventure? At this point, there are so many options that I’m having a hard time narrowing things down. (Who wouldn’t? This ‘land of opportunity’ can be frustrating there are so many options! Maybe that’s a third world thing...)

But I do know this. I want to continue to use my life for Him. Wherever He leads me I’ll follow. For now, that’s Texas so I want to throw myself completely into the community I have here and into any ministry that I can here. Why not buy one of those guys who sit on the side of the road at intersections lunch? Or go visit a nursing home? Whatever it is, Texas is my big hot dry oyster right now! (That would be a terrible oyster but it’s a wonderful country.) And for now, that’s enough. I can’t help but dream, that’s in my nature, yet I know there’s a purpose to me being here right now. So I guess it’s time to enjoy the comforts of a first world life for a little while. I can handle that... J