A New Perspective

When I was a kid I used to think "Christmas Is All in The Heart" was a silly song but it felt good to sing it, like we could pretend all we really cared about wasn't the presents under the tree. I would hear Christmas Shoes and think, wow! Well at least I don't have to count pennies and end up lacking this Christmas! So even if we didn't have a lot of money, I knew we were well off.

Now, I don't know where that spirit has gone. Because as I agonize and calculate every little purchase in my head, and count out exact change, it's easy to feel like I'm just scrapping by. It's easy to feel like I'm living the Christmas Shoes song. If I dwell on that thought, (which often happens), I feel so hopeless. I feel embarrassed and annoyed. Why does the time have to go so quickly? Why does everything not just fall into place with the heavens singing in the background? Why doesn't God just hand me a check to pay for YWAM if that's what He wants me to do??

I don't understand why He doesn't. I don't understand why this world has to be so hard. Or at least, I try to tell myself I don't. I try to tell myself it shouldn't be that way, and that God is just wrong and being cruel. It's so easy to say the proverbs about hard times when you're in the good times. I've always loved quotes, and if I hear a good one I have to write it down. A lot of times my favorite ones end up on my wall. Although I'm no artist, I have a sketch pad and sharpies just so I can write down those quotes colorfully. It's harder to live those quotes when the going gets rough.

If you read my first blog post, you've read how my story started. I think where I am right now is as much of a challenge as that was. Because when I was living in Honduras, I was in the rich percent. Now here in America, unemployed and living with my best friend's family, I'm in the poor percent. It's easy to look at myself that way. It's easy to just see the dollar amount.

But "Christmas Is All In The Heart" isn't a silly song written by a poor man. It's a realization that everyday here in America is a struggle, and no less during the holidays. It's a struggle to be content and joyful, to thank God and not be angry with Him. I could SO easy count all that I don't have, but I want to count all that I do. I have a house to live in that I don't have to pay for, food every meal that I also don't have to pay for. A bed and warm blankets, kind people around me, my best friend living in the room next to me, clothes on my back to keep me warm, I even have extra clothes in the closet! And not just one extra outfit, but at least 10! That's such a blessing in itself. I also have art supplies, because I like to draw even if I'm no da Vinci. And I have books! I ought to be shining day to day just because of that. I have books that teach me, books that entertain me, books that help me, and books that I don't always understand at first. I have shoes. Pictures of the people that I love on my walls. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste, as well as shampoo and conditioner. So many little things that we don't think of every day! Yet what are the statistics of how many people have those things in the world?

This Christmas, as I stress and struggle on my own two shaky feet for the first time, I hope I keep that in mind. I hope I don't just count my blessings, I hope I realize them. And that I thank God every minute for them! Living the high life would be awfully comfortable, but I'd like to think I'm glad I don't. Because not a day goes by that I forget God's very real presence in my life. More like not an hour. Living the high life would rob me of that close dependence on God. And I like knowing that everything is definitely in His control and not mine (even though I'm a control freak).

Yesterday a prayer request was answered, I finally got my license! The test was so quick and the people so nice that I was incredulous that I had stressed and worried so much about it. I hope that's what it's like when I'm on the plane to YWAM. Even though $6,500 feels like the sum of the universe, I hope I'm able to thank God He didn't just hand me a check. I hope I agonize and laboriously have to surrender to Him every minute of every day, so when a check does come in (whether it's for $5 or $500), I'm able to sing praises to Him from the bottom of my heart with tears in my eyes. I want that joy! And experiencing joy means troubled times. Troubles I have, though blessings I have even more. My prayer is that God teaches me through each doubt, through each surrender, through each heart-wrenching worry and tear. Because God can paint pretty pictures in the sky, but I want Him to make my heart a forsaken wasteland to everything but love and trust in Him.

I don't say any of these things to boast that this is the lesson I have learned this week. Because I haven't learned it, I'm trying to learn it every day. I'm trying to see past the clouds in the sky to the stars waiting beyond. And in this period of waiting and trusting, I want so badly to have the faith that will move a mountain. I want that mustard seed. So I repeat to myself every day, "Just trust right now and surrender the later." Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. But that's why I'm not in heaven yet, because I'm still learning His ways.

“It is always possible to be thankful for what is given rather than resentful over what is withheld–one attitude or the other becomes a way of life.” ~Elizabeth Elliot