Only Grace. I'm not talking about me, that's a song title. So often I feel like God is crazy. I mean, we do everything humanly possible to spit in His face and rebel against Him. And yet He still loves us and provides for us. That's crazy! But really, it's not crazy. It's grace. His amazing grace is why He never gives up on us. I love thinking about that. I used to not like my name, because so many times I'd be the point of the jokes. “Oh look, it's amazing Grace!” I didn't show how much I disliked it, I just wished I could have my own name you know? But now, I'm grateful for my name. Because whenever I forget how truly great God is (which is constantly), all it takes is someone calling out my name and I hear it like a thunderclap. Grace. You're alive today, because of His grace.
I'm not really meaning to talk about grace today, although it's a great topic. Lately, I've been less than cheerful sometimes. I look around and I see everything looking so perfect, and then I look at my life. It's all over the place and unpredictable. So I do what is perfectly natural in that kind of situation. I complain. I complain to myself, I complain to God, I complain to my mom and my friends. I use such extremes and paint myself so well as the victim. But really, how much of a victim am I? I am living in one of the richest countries in the world, I have a roof over my head, food each day, even hot warm and warm clothes! Not to mention an amazing group of family and friends. Who else can say that much? Most people in the world can't. Yet I still decide to be self-centered, and see only the bad in my life.
Well, that is until I'm slapped awake again. I'm constantly falling asleep and being awoken to the amazing blessings I have in my life. What's more humbling is that God not only fulfills my existence needs, He fulfills the very things I complain about too. It's been truly amazing to see God work in my life lately. Because it seems not even 15 minutes after I get done complaining about something, someone says something or does something that fulfills the very thing I was lamenting! Moving cross countries is a difficult time, because I'm not Honduran assimilating to America. Yet I'm not even American coming home after a long time. I'm a TCK, Third Culture Kid. I have no country, but I look like I belong here in America. Even though that makes settling down in America hard, I think I too often use it as just another excuse to complain. But really, honestly, what right have I to complain? Absolutely none. I am blessed to have parents who would travel hundreds of miles to see me settled in properly, siblings who call and write and care to see how I'm doing, and friends who don't ditch me no matter how much I complain! (Thanks yall!)
To use an example of complaining/fulfillment, just last week I was waiting for my parents in our church office while they were in a meeting. I was a little bitter earlier that day, and had been talking with my mom about it and just letting all my frustrations out. I felt more and more lost in the crowd as our church got bigger and bigger over the years, and it was especially hard after I came back this time. Because my church back in Honduras is a much smaller church. There is no stage, there are no bright lights or fancy decorations. It's just a simply building, rented out monthly in downtown Siguatepeque. I think it used to be a grocery store? Anyways, going to the building there was like going to a small group. There would be roughly 30-50 of us each Sunday, and it was enough that everyone was a familiar face and everyone greeted each other. Our sermons weren't fancy, but I loved them because they were discussion based. Have a question? Ask it! There was no problem with deviating from the subject for a minute or two. And then Wednesday nights, our small group spent maybe 10 minutes actually looking at the verses, and the rest of the time was spent discussing what we thought it meant or how it affected our lives. Everything was diving deeper into what we thought and believed. You couldn't fake it easily there. So it was definitely hard sitting in a mega-church again back here in Texas.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing mega-churches or anything. And I do love my church, it's been my home ever since I was a kid. But I was so discouraged and I only kept comparing and complaining when I first went back. So back to the story, I was sitting in our church office after complaining to my mum about everything I just mentioned and asking her whether I should leave the church of not. I'm still conflicted about if there's a time for you to leave the church, I don't think it should be a decision made lightly. As I sat there, thinking about everything that was said and trying to figure out what I believed and what I should do, I could feel God tapping me. And I knew He was telling me to just give it another try, with an open mind this time. I really didn't want to hear it, but I also desperately wanted the spirit growth and nourishment that I'd become accustom to and needed so badly during this time of transition. So I was struggling with this when in walked my old youth pastor! Which was a huge surprise because I thought I wouldn't see him again until I went to Haiti at some unknown time in the future. He and his family are called to be missionaries there, and they leave in just 53 days. We talked for a bit and it was so encouraging! I knew I had my final answer from God: stay.
No matter what I complain of, God is right there, sometimes the very next minute, fulfilling it. In little ways, which others might not even realize, that make a world of difference. And over this past week I've learned that a mega-church is not less personal, you just have to look for community. It doesn't merely happen. But I think that's a good thing. After all what do we appreciate more, things that just happen or things we have to work for? Now I'm grateful for this period, because I'm claiming my faith and actively seeking it out. It's not always easy, in fact most of the time it's really hard. But in the end, I'm not just a person struggling against all these obstacles alone. And for that, I am truly and deeply grateful. I try to remember each time God has provided for me when I begin to complain again, even to myself. And it really does help to silence my complaints and change my spirit into one of thanksgiving. So what things do you work for? What things just happen that you haven't considered how lucky that is? I hope the many blessings crowd in on your mind and overwhelm you!
(Sorry this one was super long)
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