How It Began

This is how it all began, and it's not a flowers and butterflies story that gives you a morsel to make you feel good and then let's you go on with your life. But it is the beginning.

About 2 months ago, I started hearing about this ministry called YWAM in our town. I didn't pay much attention to it, after all there's a lot of ministries out there. I knew my youth pastor here was a part of it, and I thought it was cool but that was it. Later, as I talked more with my youth pastor and one of the other leaders, I started hearing about this thing called DTS. It stands for Discipleship Training School. It sounded like a good program, but I had already planned to move back to Texas (my heart's desire ever since I left). So I kind of ignored any little nudge I may have felt and went on my way. Then my mom told me there was a week-long Discover DTS in Belize that I could possibly go to. Now I could actually give the thought some credit; it didn't interfere with my moving plans and I'm always up for visiting another country!

Throughout the process, I was only halfhearted when my dad asked if I really wanted to go, what else I might want to do in the country if we had a couple extra days, etc. But for some unknown reason, my dad wasn't effected by my apathy. He searched every spare moment trying to find a way to make everything work. First buses, then boat taxis, and finally he scored cheap plane tickets. His perseverance was kind of shocking to me since I didn't see my attendance as anything terribly special. My dad must have felt God's will though, because going to Destination Paradise YWAM Belize was one of the best decisions of my life.

Back up 6 months ago, and I wasn't in such a good place. I had stopped listening to God's voice for about a year, and my only goal in life was to do the unexpected. To take people's expectations of me and smash them; push the limits and break out of any stereotypes that might be inflicted on me. And I was doing a good job of it. But my soul was in turmoil. The more I turned from God, the deeper my depression grew. Depression I had been battling with since my early teens. It's tough being a missionary kid, and I felt cheated by the church and God for how often my life seemed to drastically change. The constant pain I deal with because of my scoliosis only increased my anger at God. Why would He create my life if it was only going to be loneliness and pain? I knew God was watching me, I've always been able to feel His presence beside me. But I didn't want Him to just be beside me, I needed to be held. I saw no point in living, and regularly wished I could end my life and just go to heaven. Several times I tried. I can still remember each time exactly. The thoughts going through my head, the lies I heard in my own voice saying I was worthless and nobody would mourn my loss... Inadequacy turned to fear, I started to panic at any thought of change. Again, I felt unworthy because I couldn't even control my own mind. Some nights I would weep in my loneliness, feeling a huge void but not willing to allow God in because of my hurt and anger. Finally, my parents had enough of my rebellion. They put me through what I can only describe as boot camp at home. And although at the time I resented them for it and tried to withdraw inside myself, I could still feel God watching me as if He were hoping I would at last see His truth. And the coldness was chipped away a little at a time. My parents deserve a Nobel Prize for their patience, understanding, and gentleness. Although nobody is perfect, they did a pretty job in turning me around. To some extent, I was changed. But the lies embedded long ago in my mind were not so easily broken. Like chains they held me down until I had lost all passion. I truly believed God's promise didn't apply to me, I was too broken and messed up. I was not worthy, and I was not acceptable. I regularly cut myself in punishment for my worthlessness.

It was at this time that I started to hear more about YWAM. And as I went more and more often to the youth group held in my church by one of the YWAMers, I started to doubt my old beliefs. Maybe I was wrong to think God didn't act in this life. Maybe I was wrong to think I wasn't His daughter just because of the things I had done. And a distant light formed at the end of my years of a dark tunnel. Missie, a YWAMer completely in love with Jesus, was instrumental in this time. No matter how many blank stares she got in youth, from our shock at such a passionate display of belief, she never wavered. She was always so open about her trust in God, her belief in His love, and her belief in His forgiveness. It was like water in a dessert. Though still trying to keep my distance after years of hurt, I couldn't help but be impacted by her. She believed God spoke directly to us, and she didn't just say that, she really believed it! And it had really happened to her. It wasn't in the false, flashy way we see advertised. “God Wants You To Be Happy!” “Hear God's Voice- TODAY! (For just $9.99!)” It was simple. And in its simplicity, was the seal of authenticity.

So here I was slowly being worked over by God, when I was whizzed away for a week on the beach for this 'destination paradise' experience. My main reason for excitement was getting a tan! But God had a goal a bit bigger than a little time in the sun... He didn't waste any time either. The first night I was there, I was bombarded by hospitality and friendliness by everyone on the base. It caught me a little off-guard, but I was eager to see what the week would bring. The next morning, I nearly cried right in the middle of worship. Here these people were, hundreds of miles from where they started, joyfully standing in a open room with an iPod playing worship music. Yet their hearts were in the heavens. I watched as one after another praised God with real love and desire for Him. As even the guys were standing, unashamed in their love and worship. My wall was broken down that first morning in worship. And it took all my years of careful training not to fall apart on the spot. But I knew God wasn't content to just break down my wall, and I walked around trying to avoid the thoughts that were coming. I knew He was going to try me soon, I knew He was going to offer yet again. Carefully I continued to tell myself that with me it just was really different. With me, it couldn't be so easy. And clearly, it wasn't easy if I was anxious even at the thought of surrendering all the pain and anger I'd carried around for years. In that state of mind I integrated myself into the life on the base, for two days I was only half way showing my face. At times I would made one remark or two, but never too much and always watching to see how everyone else was acting. As the week progressed, God stepped up.

September 21^st. Wednesday. I was sitting outside, thinking over that morning's worship and trying to understand how to accept what I was hearing when my small group leader came out and joined me. I hoped she couldn't see my struggle written all over my face, but she didn't mention it. Only asking if I wanted to go talk a bit, she lead me down to the beach and started telling me what God had told her. Dumbstruck I listened to her speak of the pain I had deep inside me, that God was wanting to wipe away. Covering up that pain was a skill I had perfected and was proud of! How could she know so easily? It seemed like every word that needed to be said to me, God had already given her! I was almost scared of it. And I was definitely scared of surrendering! Staring out across the ocean, I mumbled and stumbled through my words and tried to describe the pain I felt and had carried all these years. Alternately praying and talking, I don't even know how long we sat there. I just know that I was scared as a child on the edge of the diving board, but I knew I wanted to take that plunge. So I did. I offered all my pain to God, I surrendered my anger. Placing in His hands my tattered wounded heart that I had clung to so desperately for so long, I found it. I found a clean slate. I couldn't even feel any pain or resentment or anger when I tried to remember my past. Nothing. I was accepted!

My short stay at DP YWAM Belize will impacted my life forever. Everyone there was supportive, accepting, and open with me. They weren't afraid to say what they felt God telling them and they were 100% behind me all the way, from the staff to the students. Now it's my turn. I know there's a reason I'm applying to the Discipleship Training School at the YWAM base in San Francisco, California. Not only do I want to learn the true nature of my Lord and Savior, but I want to be equipped to show others the love and freedom I received through the power and forgiveness of God.

This is my story, and this is my mission. I ask that you pray with me as I continue to seek God's guidance and wisdom on this new journey. Through Him, all things are possible! And I'm excited and joyful in my hope that one day I can help others to see His faithfulness and mercy wherever He leads me. If you feel led, in addition to prayer I also am trying to raise $6,400 to pay for the DTS program. To my small comprehension that's a huge chuck of money, but I know to God it is only pocket change. Before you make a donation, please pray about it and be sure it God's will that you help support me. Prayers are much more valuable to me than any worldly goods. I hope that I was able to encourage you and sing God's praises in this newsletter, and if you would like to keep receiving my newsletters as I continue this journey, simply reply to this email saying so and I will keep you on the list! Thank you for reading this lengthy story, and may God reveal Himself to you daily.