Worship and A Boyfriend

It’s been a while since I last updated. The past two weekends have come around and I always get the same thought: “Oh! I really need to update my blog! I’ll do it after I finish painting/feeding the animals/running this errand/etc.” And obviously, I never get around to it... But unlike my more recent posts which have only been me rambling and sharing what’s on my mind, this post has purpose. A particularly purposeful post! (Yay alliteration!)

This phase of patience after my DTS has been trying at times but God is definitely moving. I know that He is working through my life and the things I am experiencing and going through. And having a job yet having so much free time is giving me lots of time to process and think through the things from my DTS. Although I’m impatient usually, I am content where I am. And I have God’s promise for the future, which is priceless! That future step which I am looking towards is a School of Worship with YWAM. I’m looking at earning my degree with YWAM’s University of the Nations, and while I was in Italy on Outreach God told me that a School of Worship would be my next step. After patience. Patience first.

So while I am enjoying my period of patience and reliance on Him, I’d like to ask for prayer on my next step. The School of Worship which I am praying on attending is in Perth, Australia. Although the title may seem odd, the purpose of the School of Worship is the same as my DTS: to know God and make Him known. But this time, it’s through learning how to integrate worship into every aspect of my life and then in turn teach others to do the same. There's something about worship which draws my heart in. Even at the height of my depression and in the midst of my disbelief and hatred for the Church and missions, I couldn't help but soar to this wonderful place of blissful happiness whenever I worshiped God. And I couldn't stop myself from worshiping every time I went to church; in the past when I didn't trust God, it actually annoyed me! But now, I love my late-night worship sessions with my Abba. I love challenging myself to stand still in churches in America and worship the way we do here. I love coming home and worshiping through sign language, painting, writing, or just sitting on the ground and staring at the sky as I praise Him. I love worship and I can't wait to learn more about it!

As with all YWAM schools, it’s teaching but not all classes. Some people think that if I’m going to Australia I’ll be kicking back and having a grand ol’ time. Although I do expect to enjoy my SOW as much as I loved my DTS, and to enjoy the places I see as I fell in love with San Francisco and enjoyed Italy, my focus is not tourism. I don’t know why God has called me to do a SOW, but I believe it has a purpose in my life and my walk with Him. The first 2 and a half months of my SOW will be spent at the Perth YWAM base and after that my school will travel out to do Outreach, the country/countries we will go to I don’t yet know. I’m still in the admission process for this school, so I would really appreciate prayer that Jesus will lead me in this. Also, although I have a job right now and am saving up for this school, I will not be able to cover all the costs. I will be able to cover my classroom time, Lecture Phase, and probably plane tickets and some of Outreach. But Outreach, 2 and a half months on the mission field in another country, I will need help financially with. Please pray with me on this front. Plus, if I am accepted to the base there are Australian student visas to acquire and things like that. It’s a little daunting, but I’m excited to see what Jesus does! And I’m thankful for this time of rest to store up strength and energy to serve Him on the field again.

Now for my other news! As any of you who follow me on Facebook would perhaps have noticed, I have a boyfriend these days. Excuse me while I giggle and smile like a dork for a few minutes ... Ehem! So yeah, I have a boyfriend. Although if you had asked me in January if I was ever going to get married, I would have replied in the negative. I was going to be a nun! (Minus the convent and various rules that is—I like my short hair!) In January I was convinced that marriage, though okay for some people, was something I did NOT want. God worked heaps in renewing my view of marriage through the two married couples on my DTS (one couple who were my school leaders and the other couple were students). Through walking closely with them for 6 months, God taught me a lot about relationships and Christ in marriage which I didn't know before. And I came out of DTS with more optimism for marriage and less of a poor imagine of it.

As I grew on my DTS, God spoke volumes into my identity; He spoke volumes on that fact that I am and always will be His bride who He absolutely delights in! Now that’s a true reason to be giddy! And I distinctly remember that I was in Milan when He spoke that to me. I was having doubts and was confused about a certain guy (the one I’m currently dating), and so I took it to my Abba. I said, ‘Daddy I don’t know what he’s thinking and I don’t like being so unstable and unsure in my identity. It feels like a rollercoaster because I’m approaching this like my old relationships, but I’m not the old me. I have been made new! So please make the way I view myself and go into all my relationships (not just romantic) reflect more of the new me that You’re creating.’ And God spoke to me. I just re-read my journal entry for that day, May 29^th 2012, and I was in so much pain! I was all weakness and zero strength, and since my surgeries and before I have prided myself on being strong enough to be capable and able on my own. I prided my independence above all else. But I was broken and I saw that—God spoke Isaiah 62:5: “For as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so your God will rejoice over you.” And God kept telling me all the ways I was His bride the rest of Outreach. It was a magical time.

After many months of limited communication, (which shows Ben’s honor and respect in his desire not to impose during my “honeymoon with Jesus” [as DTS is called]), we started talking again when I returned home and was settled a bit. He invited me to visit him up in Ohio and while I was there we had several talks about where we want a relationship to go, where we want our relationship to go, and our commitment to God within our relationship. That was 23 days ago. And since then, God has been amazing! I’ve woken up every day and been blessed by Ben’s presence in my life. He challenges me to grow closer to God and rely more on Him than anyone else, he prays for me and always goes to God with things first. It’s amazing to be in a godly relationship for the first time in my life and experience all the blessings that come with that! Plus, I have living proof that good guys still very much exist. But he’s taken ;)

So that's my life these days. I hope yall have a good week!

Where Is God?

Where is God?

Not where is God in general, but where was God in my day? I was thinking this on Saturday, my weekend, my free time. An entire day passed and aside from a prayer of gratitude on the ride home from errands, I didn’t go to my Abba once! Not once! Where has my passion for Him gone? After I came home from DTS, it was Bible study or worship or intercession every day! It was diving into His word and learning new things about my life in Him all the time!

And now, where is God?
There’s something interesting that I’ve seen and I’d like to verbalize. I complain a lot. I complain about my Church, my life, my money and my circumstances. I envy other people’s seemingly so easy and normal lives. To me, it looks like movie lives DO exist. Because they’re all around me! Imagine, most people having carpet in their homes! And not just rugs, but real carpet. And AC! Pools? Multiple cars? They spend hundreds of dollars on their pets? The movies ARE based on real life.

Life in America anyways. Which brings me back to my point, after many years and tears I finally find myself back in the State that I begged God for incessantly. And am I thankful? No. I think of my Church, my life, my money and my circumstances. I need to slap myself over the head! Because it’s not my Church, it’s His bride. And it’s not my life, it’s His which He bought at the highest price. It’s not my money, it’s His that He’s lending me. And it’s not my circumstances, but His presence in them. But it’s hard to remember that. I’m constantly finding myself going through the process of me, me, me and then realizing how empty it makes me feel and running back to Abba.

I don’t want Him to be my second choice! I want Him to be my only choice. We sing songs about God being good to us, about God loving us and about devoting ourselves to God. And honestly, I’m seriously sick of all this mushy love-song crap that I keep hearing on the radio. Yes, God loves us. But we don’t say that humbly; it’s like when we’re singing it we do so with pride! We may sing “I’m a sinner but You are a Savior”, but we don’t really mean that. We don’t fall down and worship God JUST because He is God. We worship Him when He is good to us, when He loves us and when He gives us good times. But when was the last time we say a song not mentioning anything other than the fact that God is God? I’ll give an example.

I love Tenth Avenue North, I really do. But one of their most popular songs is misleading. I’m talking about Love Is Here. Only seconds into the song you hear, “Come to the Father you who work, and you’ll work no more.” Now my human side says, ‘yesss! I get to be lazy for eternity!’ Because that’s what it sounds like. What do you think heaven is going to be? Laying around, eating grapes and being immortal for an unfathomable length of forever? I don’t think so. And I don’t think it will be playing golf either (at least not all the time, though I do think God has many fun sides of heaven for us). God created us with a purpose, with drive and with ambition: a hunger to create and busy ourselves. If you took a honey bee away from flowers and it’s beehive, what would it do? Fly aimlessly around and then die. Work is not a bad thing! It’s a God thing!

I try not to forget this but it happens. And then I hear songs like Love Is Here, and I wonder how many Christians are deluded and think that if they just stay away from the big sins and go to Church on Sundays, then one day they will get to be lazy for eternity. Oh, and with angels serving us of course. That is not heaven... That is hell. If this earth does not teach us that selfishness is the pit of hell, then there is little hope for us. We spend our lives constantly chasing our own desires, and look around! America is miserable in her wealth. We spend more than we have so we can get that new car, that new TV, or that new expansion on our house. We call in “sick” because “we deserve a day off!” There is a reason there are so many quotes from successful people telling us to find what it is that we truly love and work at that for the rest of our lives. Because that is what heaven is! That is where God is in our lives.

But I digress. My point is, God is not nearly as present in my mind as I wish He was. And that responsibility falls on me. I’m the one who let my worship sessions and quiet times slip, only doing them every 3 or 5 or 7 days... That’s my fault. I’m the one who goes to work and only thanks God maybe every 1 in 10 prayers. The other 9 are spent asking God to make work go smoothly. Selfish.

So here’s my new goal, and I want to be held accountable to it. If you read this and it’s not because you accidentally clicked on this link instead of that YouTube video of the cat chasing the laser beam, then I ask you to help hold me accountable. If you remember, it would be appreciated. Okay, so here goes:

1. I want to put a spending freeze on the money God has given me so I have more to give others who I want to support overseas

2. I want to spend at least 15 minutes with Jesus every day, no matter if it’s worship, prayer, Bible reading or just sitting in His presence. I need that time, and 15 minutes is so minimal...

3. I want to be more thankful and less envious, practically I want to rejoice with those who can rejoice in the blessings God has given them and I want to rejoice in the blessings He has given me. (Which are many, contrary to my envious thought-process)

4. I want to spend at the most 1 hour on the Internet every day. That includes emails, research, and job searching. If I've only committed 15 minutes to Jesus, I don’t need 5 hours on the Internet... (This excludes Skype, since that’s the only way I can call my parents :P)

So, if you’re game, please help keep me accountable in this! :)

Jesus Loves China

Globalism. The dreaded evil! Such a terrible thing—it means the end times are close right?

They said that during the First World War too. And you can be sure they said it during the Second WW! Why is our time special? Why is the end now? The Israelites thought it was the end, the Messiah must come, over and over. They didn’t ask for Moses, they groaned for their Messiah. They didn’t get Him for quite a long time after that... Yeah, our times are evil. There is the murder of innocents, there is exploitation, there is inequality everywhere, and sex trafficking in sickening numbers. And the earth is being poisoned. These are indeed evil times.

Where are the Christians? Why is the only stand we seem to take outside a Chick-Fil-A? Nothing wrong with taking a stand in front of businesses we support. But is that so special, when there is no outrage over all the “Gentlemen’s” clubs? They have absolutely nothing to do with gentlemen, because a true gentleman would never be in there unless it was to bust the place to the ground. Where are our men? Where are our women? Why are we not moving to action? Why do we only write words on the Internet and stand around wagging our heads at “something needs to be done!” speeches? (Yes, I’m writing this on the Internet, clearly I’m not just talking to others.)

I often hear that Globalism is a great evil, that with it the Mark of the Beast will come. That the United Nations will one day take control of every country. I just have to wonder... Why did the UN come into existence in the first place? Peace and order, right? Supposedly. But I wonder if Christians had been unbiasedly helping the world as we ought, would the world have seen a need for the UN? What if the body of Christ was so unified throughout every nation that there was no need for a secular United Nations? What if the nations were already united—through Christ? Okay, what if such efforts aren’t Biblical. What if we aren’t supposed to bring religion into hospitals, businesses, government, and aid endeavors? Or, what if we are only supposed to help those relief organizations which are Christian? What if we’re not allowed to support non-Christian relief organizations?

As ridiculous as that may sound, I have heard MANY conversations which testify that those claims are believed. If they aren’t outright said, they are implied and generally agreed with. In America we are for America, we are for the Western style of Christianity that we have. We are for singing America The Beautiful in church, because we all know Jesus loves America.
No. Not more or less than He loves Egypt, Iran, Afghanistan, China, North Korea. Yes, Jesus loves North Korea. (He even loves the French!) North Korea is even 1,000 miles closer to Bethlehem than Dallas is. China is 2,500 miles closer. America is by no means special to Jesus’ love. If you want to claim that our country was founded on Godly principles and that makes it better, fine. Go ahead. The nation of Israel was GOVERNED by God for years, so they must be the absolute best right? “Yeah but Israel turned their back on God and stuff...” Oh? And America hasn’t ever turned her back on God? News to me... A nation’s past matters, but not nearly as much as their present. And I’m not hating on America right now, I’m extremely grateful for America’s influence. Without America the world would be much worse off, but that does not make America a savior. It makes America a nation that the Savior uses now and then. We must get rid of this idea that America and the American way will save the world, she won’t. Only Jesus can do that.

Please, I BEG of Christians! Go. Don’t just talk, DO. We are called to make disciples, not give hand-outs. Hand-outs feed for a day, disciples feed for eternity. And if you don’t think it’s our business to help both Christian and non-Christian organizations, I point you to Galatians 6:10-
“Therefore, as we have opportunity, we must work for the good of all, especially for those who belong to the household of faith.”
Notice how it says we must work for the good of ALL? Not “all Christians”, not “all Americans”, not “all the people we like and all the orphans who look cute enough for us to give them money so they won’t starve.” ALL! EVERYONE! Yes, especially to those belonging to our household of faith. I would get on my hands and knees and beg people to support more missionaries. We tithe like we are doing God a favor, we put our money in the offering plate like we’re placing an order. “Long life, more money, and everything to go my way. I’ll give you another payment next week if you deliver the goods, ok?”

We have a lot of nerve talking to the Creator of the universe like we do in America. We have spunk to call ourselves Christians, mini-Christs, in a land where we style ourselves after the latest fad and the sexiest actor/actress we know of. The day we as Christians follow Galatians 6:10, I will weep. Because that sight will be so beautiful, so powerful, and so glorifying to our Abba. When we live for the spirit and not the flesh, realizing that we are not meant to chase the American dream but to chase God’s dream of His children giving up their personal comforts to help each other... that day will transform the world.

And yes, what I’m saying is you shouldn’t buy that 4^th flat screen TV and instead do something for the world He loves so.

Patience

Patience: “an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.”

Patience is something that I like to joke about. If you’re my friend, then you’ve probably heard me quip, “patience is a virtue!” at any annoying or frustrating situation. Although it earns me a sarcastic comment or glare from those dear people, there’s another reason I say it, (more than just to annoy and be that person), and that is to remind myself to be patient. I used to have a huge issue with patience and I couldn’t stand waiting for anything: I wanted it here and I wanted it now. I say “used to have” because I like to think that it is something God has been working on in me and I am improving. For instance...

While we were in Milan (a lot happened in Milan), we did a children’s evening program in a local park. We had puppets, face painting, crafts, etc. It was a lot of fun and it was incredible to be able to minister to all the random parents who were happily surprised to see us! It was a week long program. Every day before we went out, we would gather together to pray and sometimes worship before we went out and tried to share Jesus with those beautiful people. Our last day doing this ministry, we were sitting in a prayer circle when I was distracted and contemplating what on earth would be my next step. As I sat there it was like this email from God popped into my head! I sat up a little straighter and tried to focus on it but all I could see was the subject (“I love you”) the first line (“Dear Grace,”) and the signature (“Love, Abba”). So I sat there, a bit impatient and wanting to see the rest of this decently long email from my Abba. And nothing came... I waited and finally told God, “look! I really need to know what’s in this email because it’s clearly about me and I deserve to know and now I’m curious and You can’t do that to me!” And then a bit of the second line cleared, “When you get back...” And that was it. That was all I got. It was like God was chuckling at me and waiting for me to get the light bulb moment. I did after that second line cleared a little and I suddenly knew that God was talking about Texas, when I got back to Texas after DTS. And then I understood a little bit more, He was asking me to stay in Texas for a little while longer after I got back.

Now, as much as I love Texas and have been working to get back to it since I left when I was 8, I dreaded staying in Texas. I was telling one of my leaders just a few days before how much I really did NOT want to stay in Texas and how I wanted to go and do for Christ after DTS. But seeing that email, my heart started racing and at the same time this big peace came over me about my post-DTS life. I knew I was supposed to trust Him and have patience for however long He called me to stay in Texas. While this was still going through my mind, we transitioned into a time of worship. I got up to walk around and ended up sitting on the ground in front of a painting in the church titled: “Patience.” It was a sloping block that was meant to appear to start before the painting and end after, you couldn’t see the beginning or the end of it but you had a feeling it was incredibly long. Yet all you got to see was this one section of it. And it was like God whispered that to my heart: “Patience, Beloved... patience.”

I didn’t know what to say so I just sat there worshipping and telling my Abba that I would trust Him and do whatever He asked me to do, even if that meant staying in Texas.

Fast forward to now, I have been in Texas for over a month and I am growing almost as much as I did on DTS! I miss my team; our love, familiarity, the safety of knowing we’re in this together. And the basic atmosphere that is a Discipleship Training School, it’s hard to describe. Those people become closer than your family, you walk through every lesson together, you weep together and rejoice together. And so it ‘s a little hard and sad to be going through so many amazing lessons without those beautiful people just down the hall or in the bed next to me. I would happily jump on a plane and return to San Francisco for another 6 months with them! But, there’s also a new strength and a new passion that I’m discovering within myself. After the scheduled classes, the time set aside for worship, intercession, and Bible study by our staff, I am suddenly given back all my time and have the responsibility to do those things myself. At first, I was at a loss and didn’t know what to do with myself. I floundered, I struggled, and I didn’t know how to have a singular Bible study or worship session. Where was my community, my family?

Yesterday I spent a beautiful hour with my new community, my college group at my church. And as I drove home, it was like there was this dialogue in my head:

God: Remember when I told you to be patient when you came back to Texas?
Me: Oh yeah, that was in Milan. That was nice of you!
God: Yes, but this is what I meant.
Me: Huh? Oh! You mean I’ve finished and now I can go on my School of Worship sooner?!
God: ...No. I meant, there are things for you to learn here and to do here. And you’re starting to do them.

And it dawned on me. I have the extreme privilege of being able to volunteer at my church, to make myself completely available to any events or ministries. I get to serve my rather large community that makes up my home church! And sometimes, I even get to share with them. I was asked this morning to be the 9^th grade girls’ leader in my youth group for the semester. I was still sleeping when the text came in, but I came awake when I saw that. At first I wanted to be scared, ha! Me? Be a small group leader? That’s funny... But then a really big peace came over me. And I found myself texting back that it would be awesome. And God again whispered to my heart, “Things for you to learn and do here Daughter...”

And I could only stand in awe of Him. Honestly, I don’t know why of all people I am ever asked to help with events, teach a lesson, or become a small group leader. I don’t know how I got the reputation I apparently have. But I do know that I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity and support my church gives me. Even when it feels like I could get lost in the crowd, there’s always something that happens that reminds me God has a purpose for this stage of my life. This time of patience.


"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

A Changing Reality

Getting is not living. What is living?

Living, life, live: whatever form you take it in this existence we have is labeled. It’s stereotyped. While I enjoy stereotypes and continually will make references that are both stereotypical and ridiculous, there is one thing I enjoy more than stereotypes. And that is breaking them! I’ve done it since a small child. I’m a girl? I’ll like princesses and dolls? Watch me play with action figures and geek out about Star Wars! I’m a missionary kid? I must wear long skirts and look like I’m from a century ago? Watch me cut my hair into a Mohawk J

The point is, I don’t like being caged by what is expected. And that’s not because what is expected is bad but because I want more. I don’t want to just reach people who look a certain way, I want to reach everyone! I don’t want to be limited by cultural norms, I want to be all that I can possibly be! I want to not just fly but soar. I want to not just get by but excel. My determination is only tampered by my physical handicap and my monetary deficiency. But that doesn’t stop my mind from racing faster and faster, imagining more and more.

Yet sometimes there is a relapse. Sometimes there is a day when all those hopes meet reality and my soaring mind notices it is not actually moving. That day for me was yesterday. Last week was stressful and challenging but Friday, Saturday and Sunday Jesus did an amazing work and completely rejuvenated me. It was remarkable! Without slowing down in the slightest, I suddenly found new strength and a new thrill for life. I was riding high on this wave of enthusiasm when I came face-to-face with an unbalanced equation (humor me here, I am a geek). The imbalance was simple, for 4 years there had been this person transitioning inside of me. And I had a lot of memories of that person, memories that make me cringe and want to erase those years. And for the last year (accelerating on my DTS), a new Person was transforming that old person. In fact, you could say that 1 year replaced entirely those 4 years.

4 years changed by 1 year. The way Jesus works, 1 > 4 and 1 – 4 = +1. But the way math (and the human brain) works is 1 < 4 and 1 – 4 = -3. And yesterday I wasn’t thinking the Jesus way, I was thinking the me way. And all I could see was that big -3. And that big -3 and me had a showdown, very John Wayne and very dramatic. And the -3 ends up reducing my resolve and convincing me that when that rooster crows, I will fail (Matthew 26:34). And that failure will be permanent.

So there I was, at work on Sunday, just mulling over how much I will fail and how that will effectively end all my grand plans. And then, I’m asked to go pick up dinner at a restaurant. So I get in my car and my iPod starts on the same album that I listened to on the way to church. As I absentmindedly sing along,  (still lost in my thoughts), words coming out of my own mouth speak to my heart. “There are a million scars for every mistake, but we are not chained to the secrets that we’ve made.” I stopped dead when I sang that. My thoughts stopped, my mind stopped, and my voice stopped. The only thing that changed was my heart. I was silent and let those words fall over me, that -3 looking a little bit smaller. Then the next song came on, “If this waiting lasts forever, I’m afraid I might let go... Will there be a victory? Will you sing it over me now? ... I need a reason to sing, I need to know that You’re still holding the whole world in Your hands. I need a reason to sing.” And my heart couldn’t help but echo those words; this time beseeching God to answer me as I stared with dismay at that -3 still looming in front of me.

Finally the last song of my ride came on, “This is a call to all the dead and disappointed, the ones who feel like they are done. This is a word to all the ones who feel forgotten, that you are not.” And the rest of my trip was spent relishing the speed of my Savior and how quickly He comes to my rescue! Before I went to bed, I decided to check Facebook once more (yeah I know, it’s just addicting sometimes!) and I saw a blog had been updated that I follow so I went to read it. The title was simple, The Strength You Need, and in it the guy spoke of the temptations he faces and how he could not resist them without Jesus. In his closing paragraph he speaks to those going through trials as well and says, “Give Him the things you’re facing and in return, you’ll be given the strength it takes to not only survive but conquer.” (-Cory Copeland).

And that brought me back to that thought which I started this post with: what is living? When I read that paragraph in Cory’s post something stuck out to me, he was saying that God not only gives us the strength to get through things but to thrive and have victory over them. That is abundant life! (John 10:10) And that is something I will be pursuing until the day I die. Sometimes that is a lonely pursuit. And with that thought I remind myself, “Sin is contagious and can be passed from one person to another, but holiness is something you have to get on your own. ... Confess every known sin and stop every questionable behavior.”

Now I don't know where that -3 is and I don't care. The fact is, my life has been transformed and my reality has been changed. So it doesn't matter what other people think when they look at me and see that -3, because I know it holds no power over me. There is only one person who holds something over me-- that person is Jesus and He's holding love, dreams, and strength.

Why Dream?

What is it that makes us dream? What is it that makes us strive?

Sometimes, whatever that determination factor is, I feel like I’m missing it. Sometimes it seems that I’m just another dreamer; imagining changing a world that is already turned over or making a difference in people’s lives who have already been helped. But in reality, not doing anything other than dream. What left is there to do in this world?

Well, unless I missed something, Jesus isn’t living down the street from me. God isn’t the only Judge in the land. And the church is still a building. So clearly, heaven isn’t here yet. Bummer, right? Not exactly! See, while heaven isn’t here we get this unimaginable luxury. The luxury of making mistakes and being wrong. How terrific, we get to fail! That sounds terrible. I hate failing. But there is a principle that has stuck out to me and made a difference my entire life, even the times when I didn’t think God existed and I hated my parents and my own life. This principle is simple: do everything to the utmost best of your ability as if doing your work not for man, but for God. If you’ve spent any amount of time around me, you’ll have noticed my odd quirks and OCD freaky cleanliness regarding everything except my feet (I hate shoes). But thanks to heaven not being here yet, I fail at doing things perfectly. I do. It’s hard to believe, I know. Because I’m such a perfect person, right? (I was actually told once that I seemed perfect and I laughed in the person's face until I realized they were serious and then I felt really embarrassed...)

My mind would like to fool me into thinking I do well sometimes. But most days, it does the exact opposite. “You dusted the house and swept the kitchen? Psh! Why didn’t you scrub the bathroom and brush the dogs?! You’re so lazy!” That’s my inner monologue on my off-days. Yes, on my off-days, I clean. On my off-days, I don’t like to do things for myself. While that may seem honorable and very Christ-like of me, it’s actually because I still don’t value myself. In my own eyes, I have value...to be able to show others their value. But regarding myself, hmmm, value doesn’t really apply. Every morning there is the same old fight that goes through my head: “get up or else you're not doing your job and that means you're causing trouble" or "not going to ____ will ruin other people’s day and it will be all your fault!” Even church is like that, even my off-days are like that. I view myself as sort of a mule; stubborn as a donkey but half horse too. So I have some value- value to work. So I work.

And then, a good friend asks me about how full my life is. And not the busy kind of full, but full as fulfilling. As in, “I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance." (John 10:10) What does that mean, having life in abundance? My friend challenged me to not just find new ways to cope, but to discover what true healing is. As in surgery rather than a crutch. And the old ways I used to cope were indeed crutches. As reverse culture shock, struggles with driving, with American society as a whole, and with being a hidden immigrant have set in on me, those old ways of coping have come to mind again. More than anything, the temptation to swallow a pill or pick up a knife. I understand it’s hard for healthy people to understand how someone can harm themselves, how hurting can actually be something that someone enjoys. But I remember that twisted relief that came from creating, as I call them, another crimson tattoo on myself. There is relief in that action and it’s very a simple and easily done action. And that has been hard for me to overcome. And it’s also hard to admit now. I cut myself for years, going over the same places until now I have permanent red marks. But I’ve only been speaking about it for less than a year.

Why am I talking about it now? Please realize it’s not to draw attention to myself. So if you think I’m saying this (and you’re reading this) for shock and awe, please close this page. Go away. No offense, but I don’t want you reading this if that’s what you think of me. Now, as I said at the beginning of this post, I wonder what it is that makes us dream and strive. I wonder, but I know too. I know that it’s God. The greatest inspiration is His world out there and that’s where all the creating happens. In me, the same old processes will happen. “There is nothing new under the sun.” I’d actually change that statement, (no hard feelings to the poor cynical writer of Ecclesiastes), but I would venture to say that there is eternal diversity under the sun and the same process necessary in man. That process is the one of salvation, redemption, and creation.

Even though my Discipleship Training School is over, my journey is definitely not. Six months was one of the steps but it wasn’t the magic fix. God used that time tremendously to shape me, break me, and transform me. But these old patterns, ways of coping, and the fears and lies of the past are still in the back of my mind. So my journey right now is a continuation of my DTS trip. My path right now is to walk the road of redemption, to learn how to dream anew, and to try creating with my Abba’s blessing. It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time! But however I could describe it, it is me. My depression is not gone, boo -hoo. My anxiety is definitely not gone (panic attacks are lovely torments). And my doubt still plagues me. But I count all of these things as blessings because, like Paul, I have reasons to be completely dependent on God for the rest of my life. And that fact reassures me that there will never be a shortage of challenges and obstacles.

Because my God can overcome them. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to sleep so I can dream up some crazy plan to save the world that will be statistically impossible :)

Out of My Mind

20 days. It has been 20 days since I graduated from my DTS. One moment it feels like it all happened yesterday and the next moment it feels like it happened decades ago! But I’m used to this feeling as it’s very common when you move often. I was trying to think earlier of whether or not I had ever gone a year without leaving the country since I was 5 or 6. I can’t remember one year that I didn’t leave whatever country I was in for another country, however brief the visit or long the move. That’s a lot of leaving in 18 years.

But while I was discussing why traveling and leaving is great with one of my best friends, she didn’t share my feelings. Even homesickness to me is part of the fun of traveling; I actually like it! But she didn't. And it suddenly dawned on me that this thing that I assumed was normal... It is not normal. Too often when we experience something we turn it into our own definition of normal and are shocked when other people don’t do or behave in the same way. But this is over-looking the diversity in our existence! I want to figure out my quirks and exploit them for the rest of my life; like traveling and my mental issues. Right now I’m going through 2 Corinthians and today was chapter 5. Verse 13 says, “For if we are out of our mind, it is for God; if we have a sound mind, it is for you.” The background is they just got done telling the believers in Corinth some things that God had been using them to do so that those in the church at Corinth who are concerned with outward appearances and statistics might be satisfied. Paul says (verse 12), “we are not commending ourselves to you again, but giving you an opportunity to be proud of us, so that you may have a reply for those who take pride in the outward appearance rather than the heart.” Why would Paul take time to give these people satisfaction that he is doing a good work if he says they’re superficial?

As someone who’s been in the ministry nearly my entire life, and involved in the church for my entire life, I understand that in ministry you have to have results for people to want to keep supporting you. We don’t realize it, but many of the New Testament books are letters and not just any letters; they’re support letters. The Apostles and Paul were missionaries, and just like missionaries today they needed funds. They were on fire for Christ, so much so that they were willing to spend their lives on the road (literally) and go where they were not welcomed to proclaim the Good News. But they didn’t always have, “We saved 14 people in this town, 20 in that town, and 50 in the next!” Yet they still had a “mission board” so to speak at each church who supported them (the Roman church, Corinth, Ephesus, etc) and they did want results. What did results even look like back then? The term “Christian” was only just being used to describe these new religious fanatics and the word actually literally means “little Christ.” It wasn’t a nice term. So how did the Apostles “save” people if they didn’t have the results together, pictures for their supporters, and a whole list of religious jargon to educate these lost people on?

Simple: they lived their lives and taught from their own experiences and revelation. You can’t really describe the things that go on in ministry sometimes. If you’re not present, sometimes you miss how much a person changes. There’s only so many words to describe transformation and none of them are the same as watching a person’s eyes light up for the first time. For years, I’ve struggled with the whole “make yourself look good to supporters and those giving you money or you’ll get cut!” I saw this too far to the extreme in so many churches, which frustrated me, and in so many missionaries, which saddened me. Maybe that’s why I have such a drive to be transparent now. If I could, I would sit down and discuss in detail every aspect that God used the money my supporters sent me to enable me to attend DTS. I would want to do that, just because that’s who I am. But if we are of a sound mind when we talk to men yet out of our minds when we are talking to God, what does that mean for our personal relationship with Him and our relationships with those missionaries we support? I don't have that answer; all I know is in a world of cover-ups, God has called us to transparency.

As most know, I get panic attacks and have anxiety. Sometimes it’s really hard to live with and I wish I could just disappear because honestly, it’s embarrassing to not have control over my own emotions all the time. There’s a vulnerability even in just telling people that you’re having a panic attack or anxiety. I could easily deny that I've ever had that problem before. And it’s a hidden issue. Unlike when I had my surgeries and I couldn’t bend, open doors, or sit down without pillows, there’s no physical giveaway. Throughout my DTS, my episodes got better. I finally had a handle on things and the schedule we had helped to keep me focused and calm. Now that I’m home, I’m learning how to keep that consistency in my own life. It’s hard. My second week back, I started panicking for absolutely no reason. Luckily I wasn’t doing anything so I was able to retreat to my room and sort things out with Jesus. But it was still difficult. And after that, God had some stuff that He brought up during that time that He had to help me work through. And it was so challenging! I wanted to give in, but I kept remembering the many times He came through for me during DTS and all the times I went out on a limb and trusted Him and how He turned things around through it. How could I deny that God ministers to me so much in my weaknesses, in the moments when I lose control and become uncertain of the very ground under my feet? I can't.

So in closing, a quick look at my life. I’m 18, been involved in ministry since before I can remember, in love with traveling, still struggling with depression and anxiety but determined to use that for Him, and still figuring out what it means to be out of my mind for Christ yet have a sound mind. I have being out of my mind down, it’s the sane part I’m working on! Luckily for me, DTS gave me the steps to grounding myself. :) We’ll see how this ride of reverse culture shock, staying sane, and standing still works out...

Home on the Range

So I’m back in Texas. Many plane rides and a couple countries later, I’m back where my life started and where I somehow always end up sojourning before my next adventure... A week ago Thursday I graduated from my Discipleship Training School with YWAM. I can describe it as the single best experience of my life; while at the same time being one of the hardest things I have ever done! That’s a lot of absolutes but I truly mean it. DTS stretched me, pushed me, guided me, confused me at times, but with each step brought me closer to God. As I was thinking about my amazing ride on graduation night, it dawned on me that the catch-line of DTS, “to know God and make Him known”, is so much more than a catch-line. Ministries and churches make up new slogans every day. Whatever is catchy, has a nice ring to it, and will draw people in. But this line, “to know God and make Him known” is truly what happened. How can I describe it? Growing up in the church, I thought I knew every aspect of God because I sang Father Abraham as a kid, went on missions trips as a pre-teen, and lived on the mission field for most of my teen years. What more was there to know?

How could I know that there is so much more to know about God? There’s always more! God is like the never-ending gobstopper from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factor; you can suck on Him all you want but He’ll never get any smaller (metaphorically, since you can’t actually eat God...). But really, as absurd as that sounds, it’s true! So for everyone who helped put me through DTS, prayerfully and financially, thank you! You truly changed my life more than you will ever know.

If you’ve been following me from the beginning, you’ll remember that my story pre-DTS was not that pretty. I was definitely not walking right and my depression caused me daily to not only berate myself but also to harm myself. Not to mention that the will to live was non-existent as far as I was concerned. However God was concerned as well and He had a different plan, so He sent that angel of a YWAMer Missie to pray for me and to get me talking and considering Him again. (Hey Missie! Thanks again J) Finally, I went to Belize to check out the DTS program and there God broke through my walls of isolation and spoke to me. After that while praying about where to go for my DTS, God told me the random city of San Francisco. I was confused, but I applied and went anyways. Once I got there, I fell instantly in love with the city and my neighborhood (as you might have noticed if you read my last post). And over time, it was evident that God knew what He was doing in leading me to YWAM SF. Not all of DTS was easy; I actually struggled through most of it, floundering a lot and still getting depressed often. But I was determined that I had missed something in my life before concerning God and I wanted to learn what that was. So I chased after Him even when I doubted, even when I so desperately did not want to be there that I cut myself again because I still didn't know how to handle things any other way.

Then one dark night, I remember considering going for the knife again when God spoke that one word to me: hope. You have the right to hope and the reason to hope. So instead I went down to the basement, I blasted worship music as loud as I could and I wept in the presence of God. After that night, something changed. I knew somehow that I was not alone, that God was not a distant person keeping tabs on me, but that He was right beside me. Hurting with me and rejoicing with me; He was there through it all. And that knowledge lifted my spirits and gave me the endurance to go the rest of DTS pushing through each new obstacle and challenge that came up. I guess being stubborn finally paid off, because I was determined not to give in this time. And now here I am. Back where everything has always started- Texas. And I’m wondering, what is my next adventure? At this point, there are so many options that I’m having a hard time narrowing things down. (Who wouldn’t? This ‘land of opportunity’ can be frustrating there are so many options! Maybe that’s a third world thing...)

But I do know this. I want to continue to use my life for Him. Wherever He leads me I’ll follow. For now, that’s Texas so I want to throw myself completely into the community I have here and into any ministry that I can here. Why not buy one of those guys who sit on the side of the road at intersections lunch? Or go visit a nursing home? Whatever it is, Texas is my big hot dry oyster right now! (That would be a terrible oyster but it’s a wonderful country.) And for now, that’s enough. I can’t help but dream, that’s in my nature, yet I know there’s a purpose to me being here right now. So I guess it’s time to enjoy the comforts of a first world life for a little while. I can handle that... J

Looking Up and Facing the Challenge

I love my ministry. And it kills me to think of leaving so soon! Being back in San Francisco this past week has been like being home again. Walking the familiar streets, going to my favorite little hangouts, and enjoying the sun while somehow still having to bundle up like it is winter... Okay, maybe that last part isn’t my favorite. But seeing all the guys I used to do ministry with again, getting a letter from one of them, and setting up times to chat with each of them has been so special. What more can a person want? What more can a Christian want?

To live in a community like this is a rare opportunity; to be encouraged by everyone around you to follow God and chase after Him harder and grow deeper in your relationship with Him. Where else can you find this? There is no lukewarm Christianity here. What’s life like here? Well for one, you can’t really have stale faith in the Tenderloin. Either you curse God or you serve Him. Maybe you switch back and forth, but life can be cruel here. It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting on the sidewalk sniffing crack at 8 am or if you’ve locked yourself inside your tiny SRO because you can’t stand to see the world around you; life treats you the same in this neighborhood. The people who pass through every day on their way to work in their nice clothes with their special order coffees barely even glance at you. The human waste, dark corners where drug deals go on 24-7, and left over needles that lay around everywhere tell a story that reflects the often overcast sky. The neighborhood has a layer of grime and a grayness that is as permanent as the pot-filled air that wafts from open doorways.

This neighborhood is beautiful! After the description I just gave, you may be thinking that I mean a different neighborhood. But I don’t. I mean the one and only TL, the Tenderloin, the armpit of San Francisco. Just to be clear, I’ll explain what I mean. When I first came here, my only point of reference for San Francisco was Full House. The Tenderloin is nothing like Full House. Moreover, I discovered that it was actually a lot like the ghetto of Honduras or Jamaica (minus the dirt roads). It took me almost two months to realize that what I saw everyday wasn’t normal and that most people don’t feel comfortable in this kind of place. To me, it was just how things are. But during the first month when I witnessed my teammates shock at the streets outside it dawned on me that these were things that broke God’s heart. So I began to pray that God would break my heart over what breaks His and give me His eyes to see the people that He created laying on the sidewalk. I got those eyes a few weeks before Outreach and I walked through the neighborhood with tears welling in my eyes. I saw His beautiful daughters sitting among needles and standing on street corners while their pimps stood close by to keep a watch on them. I saw His mighty sons sitting on the sidewalk broken and forced into cycles that killed their spirit.

And then I looked up. The sky shone with the same beautiful blue that it shines over Texas! Its majesty sparkled just as cheerfully as it did in Florida when I visited West Palm Beach. And I realized something. These streets are not normal and these people are not doomed to this forever. Because God’s compassion is deeper than the ocean and His faithfulness is higher than the heavens. So I began praying that He fill me up so I could pour it all out on these people who He loves so much. I threw myself into encouraging, serving, find any opportunity to show people how much He values them. And now I call this place home. I call it my beautiful, familiar, God-given home. And the fact that when I go to the corner store I have a conversation with the family who owns it, and when I walk down the streets I’m hailed by fellow volunteers and guys who visit our Ellis Room, fills my heart to bursting with joy. It’s why someone who has never been a big crier is suddenly tearing up whenever she thinks about leaving. It’s why I want to intern back here or at least visit. Because I can’t imagine leaving the people who I’ve spent hours talking to and months building relationships with never to see them again; I trust God to look after them but I sure hope I’m at least a visitor in their future!

DTS has been a great ride but it is only my beginning. God brought me here for a purpose and I plan on seeking that purpose out until I’m exhausted, asking God for more strength, and then seeking it all the more! The journey has only just begun and the road that lays before me harbors many trials and much pain, but that just makes the trip all the more fun and challenging... I’ve always loved a good challenge. :)

A Roman Ministry

Rome. Roma. La bella citta. All of these things are words that could be used to refer to the place I have been the past week. This beautiful city which I don’t even have to describe to people, its fame being well deserved, is where I have had the privilege to minister. It’s been amazing to walk around the Colosseum reading my Bible or go to the Pantheon and walk past because I’ve seen it so often or visit the Trevi and only pause for a moment because my real destination is the best gelato in Rome on a side street past the tourists. I believe I can truly say that I have experienced Italy now, since I have stayed in the quiet south, the business north, and now the historical middle. It is a beautiful country.

Raving aside, the most awesome ministry has happened here in Rome. We were certainly run hard here and had beautifully full days. Our first week we did a variety of ministries from Afghani refugee food distribution to church service in a park to performing skits and prayer walking all throughout Roma. We also went to a neighborhood which we prayed a lot about during Lecture Phase called San Lorenzo. This neighborhood has a particularly dark history and you can feel it as you enter through the ominous arches and huge stone walls. This was the first place hit by bombs when the Allies attacked Roma. Mussolini had assured the people that the Allies would never bomb Roma because of the Vatican so when it happened there was an acute sense of betrayal; ever since San Lorenzo has been the centre for anarchism in the city. Walking around we saw anarchy symbols everywhere and even more graffiti than anywhere else in Roma (which we didn’t think was possible!), finally we gathered in a piazza which was clearly the local place to be at night and sat praying in groups. Even though we weren’t approaching anyone, you could see everywhere in the piazza people noticed that we weren’t smoking or drinking or anything of that sorts and they were extremely confused and curious. Just being there was a witness to them.

Our second week here we went to an old folks home and joined the Grandparents’ and Grandchildren’s Day hosted there every month. The property has very old, grand buildings on it and wonderfully green areas to walk around and rest in. After the games and lunch, I wandered into a little shop that they have there to sell crafts and knickknacks sold that have been made by the residents to raise money to keep the place open. (The materials for these crafts are donated by friends and churches from the States, if you are interested in helping out by sending some buttons or craft materials the likes that are found at Hobby Lobby, please let me know!) Inside the shop I met a little old lady who emigrated from Peru and has been living there for 6 years. At first, I approached her just to say hello because my Italian is still not very good, but when I sat down I was surprised to hear her speaking Spanish and as we talked I discovered that she actually didn’t know any Italian at all! She said that nobody else there spoke Spanish, although there was one other resident who understood and spoke a little. All I could think was how lonely she must be! My thought was proven true when 10 minutes into our conversation she suddenly seemed to realize we were conversing in pure Spanish and hugged me tightly while exclaiming, “Estamos hablando en Español!” (We’re speaking in Spanish!) I walked away feeling so blessed to have had the privilege of being the one to talk with and represent Jesus to her.

Earlier that same day I had the chance to talk with another person from Peru, again in Spanish. But this was a boy about the age of 16 who was greatly interested in this group of young people who went to learn about the Bible and then came all the way to Italy not to see the sights but to serve. He peppered me with questions about our school, YWAM, and what I thought of the experience. At times it was difficult for me to answer, because even in English I have a hard time describing my DTS experience but describing it in Spanish takes even more mental effort. Still, as our conversation wound down, he stood very pensive and was silent for long periods of time as his questions were answered. Eventually I was called away to help with the games but I had the opportunity to see him again twice at the other church serves we attended. Because he jumped right into asking me about my DTS and everything else, I never actually got the chance to ask his name. So I still don’t know it! But I do know that I will continue to pray for him and hope that our conversation will spur him on to seeking God with totally abandon. He has only been in the church for about 3 years and was baptized last year; he could use your prayers as well.

These are merely two of the amazing people that I have met here in Roma. God has always seemed to send people my way on this trip who either only speak Spanish or speak Italian and Spanish but no English, and that has challenged me and grown me in countless ways. I’m forever thankful for these months in Italy and I am eternally grateful for everyone who helped me come on this trip. Thank you. I now return to San Francisco for two weeks of debrief and on the 29^th I fly back to Texas! I’m so excited to return home!

Milan and Ministry Update

Wow. I’d like to take a moment and just think about everything that has happened lately, but since you don’t know I’ll first have to tell you!

So what has happened? The day after I wrote my last post, we had our first English Class in the park with Paola (YWAMer here). The kids were so eager and excited to learn any new words we taught them, and even the way they played spoke of the influence Paola has had in teaching them through games. Throughout all the games, when it was someone’s turn then they got the ball. No question. After watching normal kids play and the bickering and arguing that usually occurs, we were amazed with how well these kids preferred each other! “And he said: ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven.’”...

Last week, we spent every morning prepping and every evening working a kids’ program in a local park similar to a Vacation Bible School. We did puppets, face painting, balloons, songs, crafts- all the good stuff. It was so amazing to hear the parents asking why we were there, why everything was free, and if we would be there tomorrow! I was doing face painting and the kids would line from the moment we got there to the minute we left to get butterflies, Spiderman, flowers, and Batman all over their faces and even arms. A few would keep coming back again and again for just one more and they always left with huge dreamy smiles on their faces. Here in Italy, not many parents play with their children. When you walk past a playground, you’ll see all the kids playing and all the parents waiting for them to finish. But with our crafts, the kids needed help and it was great to see the parents get done and help their children create the various toys we had for them. And you could tell the parents were actually enjoying it! To bring those parents and children closer was well worth the sweat, hours practicing, and mosquito bites.

Sunday we had the morning off to give our moms a call and wish them happy mother’s day, which was much appreciated. We’ve now been on DTS exactly 4 months and sometimes homesickness hits hard. Monday we set off for a local town called Casorate, where there is a church that the two local YWAMers are a part of. A previous DTS also worked closely with the Casorate church. We will be going back to stay for about a week but this was just a two-day trip to clean up the landscape around the church before a gospel concert is held there on Monday. The first morning was a brutal awakening, after so much of children’s programs and prayers, the manual labor was definitely different. It was a nice cool day though, not too hot, and with so many hands we got a lot done. In the afternoon we walked all over town and passed out flyers for the gospel concert and stuck them in hundreds of mailboxes (which isn’t illegal over here). The next morning it was yard work again and with an even cooler day and a resolve to finish well, we got the entire thing done with surprising speed! I’m so proud of team, many of whom aren’t used to working outside, and I’d be willing to subject them to hell week (aka a work team in hot Jamaica building houses!). In the afternoon we cleaned up the church and headed back “home” to the YWAM base in Milan.

Which brings me up to date; today is our off day and it has been mostly catching up with the outside world. Two of my teammates and I also volunteered to clean the church we were working with last week, which allowed me to go out and see this gorgeous day for a few hours. After all the freezing cold spring we felt in Acquaviva (that we were completely unprepared for), it makes us all so grateful for the warm days and sunshine we have here! Some prayer requests I have is for the strength and endurance of my team. With just one month left in Italy and only 2 weeks after that in DTS, people are starting to talk about going home and what their plans are after and everything they want to do at home. I’m excited as well but I hope that my excitement to get home doesn’t take away from my present ministry. Going frequently from one country to another and in between “homes”, I know only too well how much joy it can take from one place by wishing you were in the other... So in that, I just want to ask that yall be praying that we’re able to stay focused and energized for our remaining time! :)

Speaking of going back, it’s hard to believe that time has flown so quickly and I’m even thinking of going back to Texas already! My plans are definitely not set in stone but I’ve been praying very hard about a couple options. Some in Texas and some in other countries; we’ll see which one God sheds more light on. At the moment, I’m not telling too many details to too many people because I really don’t like being fickle and changing plans constantly. At the moment, I will say that my two biggest options are staying in Weatherford or doing a secondary school with YWAM. So I could use prayer for that as well.

Back to our time here, we have two more weeks in Milan and then two weeks in Rome and back to San Francisco for me!

A Closer Look At Italy

It’s been a long time since I’ve written but so much has happened in the meantime! The rest of our stay in Acquaviva was filled with amazing God times. People opened up as we walked around town and prayed for them as we felt led. Before I came here, I never would have thought that any country in Europe needed missionaries. During our prep we heard that Europe is becoming the new “dark continent” spiritually. Now that I’m here, I can attest that this is absolutely 100% true. Just walking around, there is a spiritually heaviness that you can almost taste... The big strong holds here in Milan are depression and loneliness. In a city of over 4.3 million people, that’s kind of hard to believe. But aloneness and loneliness are different things. Because of the spiritual darkness and oppression there is a strong presence of loneliness, which does not need to have solitude to affect a person.

I would especially like to ask for prayer support (continued after we leave), for the YWAMers who are here full time and the other missionaries here in the city. There is a couple (and their children) in particular, local Italians who did their DTS in England, who are standing alone with just two other staff and trying to do ministry in their entire region of the city. Four people, a city of 4.3 million people. And the true believers can be numbered on your hands. To say that Europe needs missionaries is an understatement; to say that Italy needs missionaries is a cry for a help. There is also a couple who have started a church nearby, the wife is Swiss and the husband was born in Spain to missionary parents from Michigan, and they are here raising their family in Italian schools and serving God. The great thing about these two couples is how much they support each other; two different missions organizations, working together for the common good of the Kingdom.

Even if you haven’t been praying for me, I ask that you pray for these two couples. My team is here to support them by manpower, extra prayer support, easing their ministerial burden temporarily, and forging the way in new ministries they want to be starting. We are here to help them as much as possible and encourage them in their work here. To be a missionary in Italy (and in many places in Europe as I understand it), you have to be willing to invest years. Unlike other places where you go in, build a house, teach a bit and see conversions, Italy takes years and years just to start a church. Luigi and Paola, the Italian couple, have grown up here in Milan and been serving God here for years. Keith and Debbie, the Spanish-born and Swiss couple, have lived here for 5 years. Last year they were finally able to open their church. How many missionaries would get burned out and leave before then? God has gifted these people with His determination to see the Kingdom come on earth and the endurance to run the long race. So please, keep these people in your prayers. I promise you that prayers are very powerful.

On the train ride up here to Milan (7 and a half hours, by the way, and we got to see the entire Italian countryside from the sea to the mountains!), I was thinking over everything that God has been doing in my life. Last year around this time, I was still hopeless. A picture perfect rebel, I did everything I could to demonstrate how angry and hurt I was while at the same time pushing any help away. A few months later is when things started to change. But at this time I was still doing drugs, taking pills, and drinking. My attitude was “hell if I care” and my faith was universalism. Nothing mattered, all roads led to the same place, and there was no reason to try. Since YWAM has been involved in my life, hope has gradually returned. A passion has been stirred in me again and I actually use it. There’s growth and lessons learned in a safe environment. I think sometimes we forget how much we need a safe environment to properly heal. For me, I wouldn’t have been able to come as far as I have if I didn’t have that guarding. And still, it’s difficult for me to trust and open up. But the fact is, I try.

I try. How simple is that? Yet last year, there was no energy in me. Half the time when people talked to me, I didn’t even care. It took so much effort to even listen to them and half way through the conversation, I wanted to scream that I didn’t care. When I went to Belize, God started pushing my buttons. God started convicting me of apathy. And since coming to San Francisco, I want to do everything possible to change. If there’s a lesson, I want to learn it. If there’s an opportunity, I want to take it! And I’ve finally learned how to receive correction. I actually welcome it. Instead of being independent as we’re taught to be in Western society, I’m interdependent on God and the community He’s led me to. When I was depressed, I often felt guilty that I wanted just anybody to share everything with but had nobody that I thought I could trust. After all, I’m supposed to be growing into an adult and learning independence right? However since coming to DTS, I’ve learned not only how unbiblical independence is but also how unhealthy it is! And I love the new knowledge.

One last thing, an important lesson (as a former rebel) that I’ve been learning here in Italy is surrender and trust with leadership. I’ve never trusted government (always corrupt, right?) or any kind of leadership, so at first I was bucking at every turn. But there was God, that quite familiar voice in my head that was nudging me to release control. And I’ve experienced how true freedom feels. Not anarchic freedom, but the freedom that comes from a peaceful trust and faith in leadership. And I thank God for the awesome leaders that I have here who have helped make this possible!

Jason, Justine, Bre, Joelle, and Ikaika: you guys are the best!

First Week in Italia!

I’m in Italy! This past week has been a whirlwind of experiences. We left San Francisco at 10 in the morning last Sunday and arrived in Italy around 8 pm Tuesday; about 30 hours of traveling (allowing for time changes). The city we’re in right now is Acquaviva delle Fonti, which means Fountain of the Living Water. We’re working with a local church here and staying in the houses of church members who have graciously given up their homes for us. Italy is not like the movies in most respects, but it reminds me a lot of Honduras. Except that it’s cleaner, more expensive, there’s less people walking, and it’s an ocean away from America...

Our first day here we did prayer walks throughout the city and became familiar with the area we’re in. We also tried to get over jetlag and not fall asleep during the day! On Tuesday and Thursday nights they have church, as well as Sunday, and the people of the church are very welcoming here. The congregation size is under 50 and everybody knows each other well. The real excitement began on Wednesday as we evangelized in the local market by passing out flyers for the church, talking with the sellers in their stands, and passing out balloons to children that passed by. I was also dressed up as a clown (a step of faith for me since I hate clowns because they creep me out)! It was a lot of fun as we engaged with the people around us, trying to speak broken Italian while they tried the little English or Spanish they knew, and everyone walked away smiling! Several venders even blessed us by giving us a free bag of oranges and other fruits as we walked along. One butcher gave us around 8 pounds of sausage! It was delicious :)

As the week has gone on, we’ve become accustomed here pretty well. After evangelizing in our town on Wednesday, we went to Bari (which is the capital of this province) and did the same thing there as we walked around. We tried to target young people because many are not really aware of Jesus, they are only aware of religion which they have been hurt by. We passed out many flyers and talked with a lot of people Thursday, and on Friday we went back to a park there and spent the morning passing out more balloons and talking with as many people as we could. After a while of sitting in the middle of the park, singing songs while a few of the Italians and my team members played guitar, we split up into groups and went around seeing who we could meet. The first group that the 2 Italian church members and I met was a group of 4 young men, college age, hanging out on the park bench. They were actually pretty interested in what we had to say and asked lots of questions as we stood there talking. I didn’t understand all of it so I just stood there praying as hard as I could while my friend talked with them. At the end, they sat there weighing what he said. Finally he asked them if they wanted change and wanted Jesus. And they said yes!

We meet some other really great people as we walked along, and it was encouraging that they were not turned off to us because some of us didn’t speak Italian but rather they tried harder to communicate. Since Spanish is so similar to Italian, a few of the church members who speak little or no English can still communicate with our group as I translate. There’s also a pastor from Mexico who is currently staying with the church here and he is always glad to speak in Spanish again! It’s been so awesome to know that I’m helping others as I translate, which I haven’t done in a long time and I’ve never done in these circumstances.

Church nights here are more of what I was used to back in Honduras. We have a much longer worship time, and everyone gets here early and stays late to talk and socialize. I missed this so much! On Thursday night we had a slightly different sermon though. Because I was the one teaching it! I was extremely nervous and praying the whole time through worship that the Holy Spirit would replace the words that came out of my mouth with His own, because there was no way I had a clue what I was doing. When my leaders told me they prayed about who was teaching and I was clearly the first one, it was both exhilarating and terrifying. I’ve never taught or even thought of teaching before. But early the morning before my leaders told me, I had had a dream where strangely I was teaching. It was a lesson on the disciples and church in Acts, and all the points were laid out in my mind as I saw myself saying them! It was kind of odd and I remember as I was dreaming, I was aware I was dreaming so I started praying and just asked God if sometime in the future I could give that lesson. I was thinking Stateside. But after my leaders told me that dream came to mind again and I knew I was supposed to give that same sermon I had dreamed the next night.

My teaching was perhaps the craziest thing I’ve ever done. Because I’ve never had anything like it happen to me! But I had confirmation from God, and my leaders agreed I should do it, so I did. And even as I feel my actual teaching wasn’t as good as the dream version, everyone said it was amazing. The Holy Spirit came through, as God always does. :) One church member even came up to me afterwards and said that was exactly the message that the church needed to hear and thanked me for giving it. I was dumbstruck because I had no idea what this church needed; I gave the message after only 3 days in the country! But again, I can only attribute it to God. Already I know I will love my experience here in Italy. We will stay in Bari until the 28^th and then we go to Milano. I’m excited to see what else God will do during our time here!

A Time For Everything

“There is a time for everything under the sun...”

That line is from my favorite Old Testament passage. I actually had never read it until one morning in Lectio Divino when we studied it and God really spoke a lot to me through it. Now as my time studying here in San Francisco comes to a close, I’m reminded of it. Being a pretty popular saying I heard it a lot growing up, but the new meaning it has now is that it gives me a peace: a peace when I’m uncertain, a peace when I’m lonely, a peace when I’m worried, and a peace when I’m panicking. There are many changes in life and many that I have gone through. When I reflect on my life I wonder that my brain can hold all my memories in. Sometimes it can’t and the memories come flooding into my thoughts and that’s a day spent mainly in silence.

Right now my room is almost stripped and my bags are packed. I still have a coat hanging in the closet but for the most part, there is nothing much to look at anymore. Tomorrow we fly to Italy. We will have a 10 hour flight, a 2 hour layover in Amsterdam and a total of 30 hours of traveling. We arrive in Italy at 8 pm Tuesday night, Italian time. It’s hard for me to believe that it is already time for Outreach. I still feel like I should be learning much more before I’m ready for ministry. But then, there is a time for everything under the sun. So I’m confident that this is God’s timing. Especially since He has supported me and enabled me to receive all the funds to take this trip. Many times it’s hard to remember just how much God has led me and been faithful in the past. My teacher from this last week put it this way: we always notice the bad things first but it takes a while to sit down and sort through them to discover the gems that are the good things.

These past 3 months have been good things. In fact they have been amazing things! I could honestly break out into a cheesy rendition of “I Left My Heart In San Francisco”! Because it’s true; through this city God has taught me to soften my heart to injustice, to see it with fresh eyes and not just as something that happens in this world and is acceptable. I’ve grown up with a lot of this stuff. Comparatively, the people on the streets around me are very rich! They aren’t starving to death. They do rather well. But they are trapped in their addictions, trapped in their cultural barriers, trapped in their broken world, and lost. For the first month I was here, it was all normal to me. There was nothing new about walking down the street and getting hackled, cat called, and told I looked d*mned fine. The only difference being it was said in English, mainly. Walking past the people sitting on the ground, stupid with drugs or alcohol and unaware of the cold or those standing on the street corners with cups held out was all normal to me. There are more here and there is more blatant drug use than I’ve seen in a while, but it just didn’t faze me.

And then I prayed. I prayed for God to break my heart over what broke His. I prayed that He would show me these people through His eyes and let me feel what He feels when I see them. The result is that this neighborhood has opened my heart. So often I found myself tearing up at the mention of the atrocities going on. And I was astounded! The reason is that I don’t cry very much. And when I do, it never lasts long. So to feel myself on the edge of tears day in and day out is a new experience for me. Whether that’s a good thing or not, I can’t say. But it is exhausting. If Lecture Phase taught me anything, it’s that my journey has only begun. I have many, many more roads to travel and lessons to learn in life. But I’ve begun to have a history, and a good one at that! My spiritual heritage is getting richer and richer. So now I’m stepping onto the new road of Italy. And I’m so excited to see what God will do! I will be very busy so updates may switch to once a month, but please be praying for me. Prayer is powerful and I could sure use a lot of it! I'll leave you with this:

"Allow your brokenness to be an opportunity for intimacy with God; not an opportunity for someone to disappoint you. If you think the right kind of people will fill voids and heal wounds, you will miss out on appreciating them and discovering why they are part of your story. I'm broken, you're broken-- we all are. But we're broken for a purpose."

Guilt and Faith

Faith.

Even though that’s only a 5-letter word, it’s powerful. And it makes a lot of us a bit apprehensive! I know it used to make me that way and in some respects it still does. Now here’s the part where I get really honest. I don’t write to sound profound and I don’t post this to glorify me in any way. If you’ve read my past posts, then you’ll know that I really don’t have it all figured out! Quite the opposite, as each day passes I’m realizing how little I truly know.

For a long time now I’ve struggled with guilt. It’s one thing for a Christian to say that we’re forgiven and it’s another to live a life that says we truly believe that. Personally I find it very easy to point the finger at people who are happy Christians. I mean really, it’s like the “Clown Effect” or something. When you see a clown you know it’s unnatural for somebody to be THAT happy. (And they’re slightly very creepy.) Well when I used to see happy Christians I thought one of two things. Either a) they are faking it and they are really miserable like the rest of us, or b) they don’t realize what Jesus really did for them and they don’t feel enough gratitude. Because I always felt unworthy of the cross and it doesn’t make logical sense to me. It still doesn’t! Why on earth would God ever allow His Son to die for me? I should be the one that was up on that cross! If I were on the cross from the moment I was born to the second I died, it still wouldn’t be enough to get me into heaven. And wow... For other people they can realize that it’s not enough and be joyful that God paid that cost for them. They can thank Jesus and then live the life He’s granted them (whether they really thank Him in their hearts is not for me to judge). But for me I just kept putting myself up on that cross.

And I told myself it was because I didn’t think I was worthy of the cross. In our society it’s very easy to cuddle ourselves. It’s easy to say, oh well you had bad things happen to you... Oh well you have a right to feel that way because of what happened to you... No. You don’t. Not if you’re a follower of Jesus you don’t! I think that’s what He meant when He said lay down your life, pick up your cross, and follow Me. Lay down that “right” that we think we have to get married, to have a decent job, to live in a nice house, to be happy, etc and follow Him. This sounds like a terrible idea! Last night I struggled with this. I knew it was coming because our teacher had all day to pound the point home. And even then I sat there listening to the worship music, talking with one of my leaders, and refusing to let go of my unbelief and pride.

Yes, unbelief and pride. In our circles of Christian life, those are almost dirty words. If you’re a Believer, why are you saying that you have unbelief in your heart? You’re a believer! But I did. My guilt was unbelief that the cross really meant what God said it does. My drive to work and prove my worth was pride that said I could be as great a servant as Jesus. And let me just say, that is tiring! I didn’t want to dig into the reasons of why I still felt guilty and why I didn’t believe God’s promise for me and it made me miserable. It’s just like Psalm 32 says, “When I kept silent, my bones became brittle from my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy on me; my strength was drained as in the summer’s heat. Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not conceal my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’ and You took away the guilt of my sin.” Throughout each day I would notice that I would just get exhausted so quickly, it was like I had no stamina and I had just run a 10 mile race! I felt like I had spent all day pouring concrete and all I did was avoid God.

And then this morning when I woke up in the middle of a panic attack that was not an encouraging way to start the day, I had to lay there in bed and pray before I could even move. Everything in me wanted to stay in bed and cower under my warm blankets. Everything in me said to just go back and doubt God again. But then this thing called perseverance came into play. My mind told my heart to give in because experience told me it was useless, but my heart stubbornly refused (because being stubborn IS something I’m good at!) and remembered that just 10 hours before I had chosen to believe God has something better for me. And you know what happened? I got up. I went through my day. Yeah I still kind of struggled. But I didn’t get through this day on my own. Far from it, I got through with only one set of footprints in the sand; Jesus’ as He carried me because I was too weak to walk.

My feet are shaky and not used to this new path. Eventually they will grow stronger and I will be able to stand. Then I will be able to walk. I may stumble but finally, I will be able to run! And the first place I want to run is right back into Jesus’ arms. And my faith tells me that He will sustain me and carry me. Even as I stumble, even as I wait on Him. No matter what happens. Even as I have a plane ticket to Italy that says I leave in less than two weeks and I don't have all my funds yet. My faith tells me God will not abandon me. I mean I didn't even have enough for Lecture Phase and God provided for that, so why would He stop now? He won't. Above all else, He is consistent!

It’s not what you go through; it’s what you do with it.

We had a week called ‘Plumb line’ and it can’t really be categorized. We looked deep into our souls and found the ugliest parts that we were terrified of and never wanted to see the light of the day... And then we confessed them in front of our fellow students and 5 staff leaders! Talk about terrifying.

Along with that, our speaker said something that I hope to make a motto during my whole life: Humility is a willingness to be known for who you are. How many of us are really known for who we are? The honest person, the dark secrets and the things that we think isolate us from society. For many reasons I did not want this week to happen. For one, since I’ve already had so many moments of forgiving and letting go I convinced myself that I didn’t need any more of it and I would be okay now. I had worked on the really big, obvious things so I could serve God and the rest could be forgotten. Plus I still considered myself just a servant in God’s household. I wasn’t His daughter. I went to a service on Sunday afternoon with a ministry here called City Impact and the passage they talked about was the prodigal son. I’ve heard the story many times, but it had been a while since I heard it. As the man was preaching, he listed different stages that we could be in. We could be leaving with our inheritance, we could be staying to try and win our Father’s favor with work, we could be stranded in the far country, we could be journeying back, we could be walking up the road to our Father’s house or we could be getting that robe, ring, and sandals which symbolize that you are the son/daughter again.

I realized I was standing there in front of my Father and asking to return, yet refusing the robe/ring/sandals/daughterhood because I feel unworthy. I was standing there sobbing to be taken in by my Father yet unwilling to allow Him to hold me. In some ways, I still am. But I'm taking baby steps closer to Him and He is encouraging me every inch of the way!

Then this week, we learned about the cross and another point was brought up. There is nothing that Jesus did not die for. How often do we sing songs about Christ dying on the cross and all our sins being washed away and yet we still subconsciously (or even consciously) believe there are exception sins in us? Then again, maybe this is just me. (I rather doubt it though.) For many reasons, I believed I was the exception to God’s forgiveness. How could I fathom the extent He went to just to redeem me? How could I even begin to comprehend that He would never even dream of getting down off of that cross no matter how many times I do the same stupid thing? Can any of us ever truly understand how significant the cross is? It is the turning point of history; the up and up of humanity. Every time that I see a scene of the cross, no matter how great or bad the quality is, (it could even be on the stage with imaginary cross, nails, etc), I tear up. I can’t help it. I use to try to cover it up as façade that it didn’t affect me. But it does. And I’m no longer ashamed to say that. I sob to think of the pain my Lover had to endure because of the choices He knew I would make one day.

But it doesn’t end there. What a terrible story it would be if it did! We have such a hope in Christ. Hope. That word means a lot of things to me, mainly because for so many years in my depression and oppressive pain I was hopeless. I saw no joy in the world and my only hope was thinking maybe I could finally succeed in killing myself. I do not say this to get your pity, so please don’t take it that way. I remember the turning point for me recently was one night when I was really getting depressed. I was sitting in my favorite window seat, it was already dark, and my thoughts were as dark as the street the outside. Over and over in my mind I was contemplating all the ways I could relieve the despair I was feeling. I could cut, I could try to overdose somehow, or I could turn an oven on and stick my hand in.

These thoughts use to be my constant companions. I was listening to music and suddenly a worship song came on. It kind of annoyed me because I honestly didn’t want to think of Jesus at that moment. I didn’t want to try anymore, I was so tired. But it was like my fingers were lead and I just couldn’t make them move to skip the song. And then one word popped into my head. That “h” word: hope. There was a new voice battling the old familiar one in my head, and it said that I couldn’t give in because I knew the Relief now; the right Relief. After only a moment of hesitation, I jumped up and walked down to the basement where our sound system is. I plugged in my iPod and cranked up the volume until I wouldn’t have been able to hear myself speak out loud. And I let myself be overwhelmed with Light and Hope. This sounds like a rather romantic vision, but at the time I was in such strong turmoil... It’s true; I have the Light and Hope. However that does not make the fight any less real and the struggle any less challenging.

But ever since that night, when I’m struggling I know what I have to do and it’s not even second nature. It’s my first nature! Sometimes it’s hard when teams are using our basement for the weekend, or my back is hurting more than usual, but at least I’m trying now. I’m fighting. I don’t want to give up anymore, and even when I start to give in to those old familiar feelings, I have Someone who tells me: “Don’t worry, I have you.” And He is pretty great ♥

Mondays Are My Favorite Mornings

It’s been a while since I last wrote, and I put it off until now halfway on purpose. This past week has gone by quickly, as do all of the weeks since I’ve been here. Six weeks already! That seems impossible but the calendar agrees so I guess it’s true... I have definitely been growing a lot since I came here, and I only wish that it would never stop! (Wish granted; I have my whole life ahead of me. Haha)

This past week our topic was Cities and it was taught by the director of the base here. He used to live in India and pioneered the missionary work there as well as directing the YWAM base in Chennai, India. It was so cool to hear his stories and perspective as he calls India home and teaches us about the Tenderloin. He came here only 5 years ago and yet the vast history he already knows is astounding. He dove right into the neighborhood and spent his time making himself known and showing people that YWAM cares about the area. So as Uncle Tim taught us, he was using his real experience which was phenomenal. He also gave us a load of statistics on cities around the world regarding size, cultural variances and history. Although that may sound a bit dry, I loved it! I love studying things like this and I almost felt like this week was tailored to me. It was awesome!

It’s quite funny to see the staff urge students to come back and make San Francisco their own mission field in subtle ways... But for me, I’ve been praying about this a lot already. I laugh with the others when the many staff on base tell us “when you come back on staff...” but I also am seriously considering that move. We’ll see; I’m still very early on in my journey and I’m hesitant to say anything concrete. I’ll just keep praying!

Another thing that happened this past week is that the Fall DTS came back from their Outreach Phase in Cambodia and Vietnam. It was so cool to get to hear their stories and their advice as they had just gone through the school I’m in at the moment. As the week progressed along, I was reminded over and over how much YWAM is like a family. I’ve been in four different missions organizations in my 18 years, and YWAM definitely sticks out. The honest, humble way that they follow God’s will is inspiring to me as a student because I see our leadership still putting into practice what they are teaching us to do. There is such transparency here!

Probably my favorite morning of the week is actually Monday morning. Why? Because on Monday morning we have staff worship, and we recently opened up the staff worship to anyone from off the streets who wants to join in. So every Monday morning we gather in the Ellis Room (our drop-in center), starting out with all the staff and students, and begin worship. As the last song ends, I’m always surprised to see how many people have come in to join us. Maybe they’re just trying to get indoors, or they want a safe place to sit down, or they want to use our bathrooms. But we still welcome them.

Sometimes it’s hard to welcome people when they do only want to use the building and they don’t care about God. They come in and they swear and fall asleep as they rest inside in safety. And yet I can’t be angry... I simply can’t. How would I feel if I were on the streets? How grateful would I be to have a safe-haven like the Ellis Room to come to? And then I’m reminded of something that we talked about in church today: the least of these. “Whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me.” We are called to love and care for our fellow humans, and I see no more practical way of doing than to invite them in on a cold day and give them a safe place to take a nap. Yes, after taking a nap they may go out and buy drugs. Should we throw them out because of that? I think not. Because we can’t expect the outside to change before the inside and to begin work on the inside we must first create an environment where the inside can surface in safety. The Ellis Room is that environment.

I have such a passion for this that I could write for ages on the subject, but I need to go to dinner so I’ll stop now and I’ll just leave you with this. Jesus commanded us to be examples of His love every day. For me, this means stopping on the street and talking to someone who I’d rather just walk by. What does it mean for you?