Guilt and Faith

Faith.

Even though that’s only a 5-letter word, it’s powerful. And it makes a lot of us a bit apprehensive! I know it used to make me that way and in some respects it still does. Now here’s the part where I get really honest. I don’t write to sound profound and I don’t post this to glorify me in any way. If you’ve read my past posts, then you’ll know that I really don’t have it all figured out! Quite the opposite, as each day passes I’m realizing how little I truly know.

For a long time now I’ve struggled with guilt. It’s one thing for a Christian to say that we’re forgiven and it’s another to live a life that says we truly believe that. Personally I find it very easy to point the finger at people who are happy Christians. I mean really, it’s like the “Clown Effect” or something. When you see a clown you know it’s unnatural for somebody to be THAT happy. (And they’re slightly very creepy.) Well when I used to see happy Christians I thought one of two things. Either a) they are faking it and they are really miserable like the rest of us, or b) they don’t realize what Jesus really did for them and they don’t feel enough gratitude. Because I always felt unworthy of the cross and it doesn’t make logical sense to me. It still doesn’t! Why on earth would God ever allow His Son to die for me? I should be the one that was up on that cross! If I were on the cross from the moment I was born to the second I died, it still wouldn’t be enough to get me into heaven. And wow... For other people they can realize that it’s not enough and be joyful that God paid that cost for them. They can thank Jesus and then live the life He’s granted them (whether they really thank Him in their hearts is not for me to judge). But for me I just kept putting myself up on that cross.

And I told myself it was because I didn’t think I was worthy of the cross. In our society it’s very easy to cuddle ourselves. It’s easy to say, oh well you had bad things happen to you... Oh well you have a right to feel that way because of what happened to you... No. You don’t. Not if you’re a follower of Jesus you don’t! I think that’s what He meant when He said lay down your life, pick up your cross, and follow Me. Lay down that “right” that we think we have to get married, to have a decent job, to live in a nice house, to be happy, etc and follow Him. This sounds like a terrible idea! Last night I struggled with this. I knew it was coming because our teacher had all day to pound the point home. And even then I sat there listening to the worship music, talking with one of my leaders, and refusing to let go of my unbelief and pride.

Yes, unbelief and pride. In our circles of Christian life, those are almost dirty words. If you’re a Believer, why are you saying that you have unbelief in your heart? You’re a believer! But I did. My guilt was unbelief that the cross really meant what God said it does. My drive to work and prove my worth was pride that said I could be as great a servant as Jesus. And let me just say, that is tiring! I didn’t want to dig into the reasons of why I still felt guilty and why I didn’t believe God’s promise for me and it made me miserable. It’s just like Psalm 32 says, “When I kept silent, my bones became brittle from my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy on me; my strength was drained as in the summer’s heat. Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not conceal my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’ and You took away the guilt of my sin.” Throughout each day I would notice that I would just get exhausted so quickly, it was like I had no stamina and I had just run a 10 mile race! I felt like I had spent all day pouring concrete and all I did was avoid God.

And then this morning when I woke up in the middle of a panic attack that was not an encouraging way to start the day, I had to lay there in bed and pray before I could even move. Everything in me wanted to stay in bed and cower under my warm blankets. Everything in me said to just go back and doubt God again. But then this thing called perseverance came into play. My mind told my heart to give in because experience told me it was useless, but my heart stubbornly refused (because being stubborn IS something I’m good at!) and remembered that just 10 hours before I had chosen to believe God has something better for me. And you know what happened? I got up. I went through my day. Yeah I still kind of struggled. But I didn’t get through this day on my own. Far from it, I got through with only one set of footprints in the sand; Jesus’ as He carried me because I was too weak to walk.

My feet are shaky and not used to this new path. Eventually they will grow stronger and I will be able to stand. Then I will be able to walk. I may stumble but finally, I will be able to run! And the first place I want to run is right back into Jesus’ arms. And my faith tells me that He will sustain me and carry me. Even as I stumble, even as I wait on Him. No matter what happens. Even as I have a plane ticket to Italy that says I leave in less than two weeks and I don't have all my funds yet. My faith tells me God will not abandon me. I mean I didn't even have enough for Lecture Phase and God provided for that, so why would He stop now? He won't. Above all else, He is consistent!