Out of My Mind

20 days. It has been 20 days since I graduated from my DTS. One moment it feels like it all happened yesterday and the next moment it feels like it happened decades ago! But I’m used to this feeling as it’s very common when you move often. I was trying to think earlier of whether or not I had ever gone a year without leaving the country since I was 5 or 6. I can’t remember one year that I didn’t leave whatever country I was in for another country, however brief the visit or long the move. That’s a lot of leaving in 18 years.

But while I was discussing why traveling and leaving is great with one of my best friends, she didn’t share my feelings. Even homesickness to me is part of the fun of traveling; I actually like it! But she didn't. And it suddenly dawned on me that this thing that I assumed was normal... It is not normal. Too often when we experience something we turn it into our own definition of normal and are shocked when other people don’t do or behave in the same way. But this is over-looking the diversity in our existence! I want to figure out my quirks and exploit them for the rest of my life; like traveling and my mental issues. Right now I’m going through 2 Corinthians and today was chapter 5. Verse 13 says, “For if we are out of our mind, it is for God; if we have a sound mind, it is for you.” The background is they just got done telling the believers in Corinth some things that God had been using them to do so that those in the church at Corinth who are concerned with outward appearances and statistics might be satisfied. Paul says (verse 12), “we are not commending ourselves to you again, but giving you an opportunity to be proud of us, so that you may have a reply for those who take pride in the outward appearance rather than the heart.” Why would Paul take time to give these people satisfaction that he is doing a good work if he says they’re superficial?

As someone who’s been in the ministry nearly my entire life, and involved in the church for my entire life, I understand that in ministry you have to have results for people to want to keep supporting you. We don’t realize it, but many of the New Testament books are letters and not just any letters; they’re support letters. The Apostles and Paul were missionaries, and just like missionaries today they needed funds. They were on fire for Christ, so much so that they were willing to spend their lives on the road (literally) and go where they were not welcomed to proclaim the Good News. But they didn’t always have, “We saved 14 people in this town, 20 in that town, and 50 in the next!” Yet they still had a “mission board” so to speak at each church who supported them (the Roman church, Corinth, Ephesus, etc) and they did want results. What did results even look like back then? The term “Christian” was only just being used to describe these new religious fanatics and the word actually literally means “little Christ.” It wasn’t a nice term. So how did the Apostles “save” people if they didn’t have the results together, pictures for their supporters, and a whole list of religious jargon to educate these lost people on?

Simple: they lived their lives and taught from their own experiences and revelation. You can’t really describe the things that go on in ministry sometimes. If you’re not present, sometimes you miss how much a person changes. There’s only so many words to describe transformation and none of them are the same as watching a person’s eyes light up for the first time. For years, I’ve struggled with the whole “make yourself look good to supporters and those giving you money or you’ll get cut!” I saw this too far to the extreme in so many churches, which frustrated me, and in so many missionaries, which saddened me. Maybe that’s why I have such a drive to be transparent now. If I could, I would sit down and discuss in detail every aspect that God used the money my supporters sent me to enable me to attend DTS. I would want to do that, just because that’s who I am. But if we are of a sound mind when we talk to men yet out of our minds when we are talking to God, what does that mean for our personal relationship with Him and our relationships with those missionaries we support? I don't have that answer; all I know is in a world of cover-ups, God has called us to transparency.

As most know, I get panic attacks and have anxiety. Sometimes it’s really hard to live with and I wish I could just disappear because honestly, it’s embarrassing to not have control over my own emotions all the time. There’s a vulnerability even in just telling people that you’re having a panic attack or anxiety. I could easily deny that I've ever had that problem before. And it’s a hidden issue. Unlike when I had my surgeries and I couldn’t bend, open doors, or sit down without pillows, there’s no physical giveaway. Throughout my DTS, my episodes got better. I finally had a handle on things and the schedule we had helped to keep me focused and calm. Now that I’m home, I’m learning how to keep that consistency in my own life. It’s hard. My second week back, I started panicking for absolutely no reason. Luckily I wasn’t doing anything so I was able to retreat to my room and sort things out with Jesus. But it was still difficult. And after that, God had some stuff that He brought up during that time that He had to help me work through. And it was so challenging! I wanted to give in, but I kept remembering the many times He came through for me during DTS and all the times I went out on a limb and trusted Him and how He turned things around through it. How could I deny that God ministers to me so much in my weaknesses, in the moments when I lose control and become uncertain of the very ground under my feet? I can't.

So in closing, a quick look at my life. I’m 18, been involved in ministry since before I can remember, in love with traveling, still struggling with depression and anxiety but determined to use that for Him, and still figuring out what it means to be out of my mind for Christ yet have a sound mind. I have being out of my mind down, it’s the sane part I’m working on! Luckily for me, DTS gave me the steps to grounding myself. :) We’ll see how this ride of reverse culture shock, staying sane, and standing still works out...