Why Dream?

What is it that makes us dream? What is it that makes us strive?

Sometimes, whatever that determination factor is, I feel like I’m missing it. Sometimes it seems that I’m just another dreamer; imagining changing a world that is already turned over or making a difference in people’s lives who have already been helped. But in reality, not doing anything other than dream. What left is there to do in this world?

Well, unless I missed something, Jesus isn’t living down the street from me. God isn’t the only Judge in the land. And the church is still a building. So clearly, heaven isn’t here yet. Bummer, right? Not exactly! See, while heaven isn’t here we get this unimaginable luxury. The luxury of making mistakes and being wrong. How terrific, we get to fail! That sounds terrible. I hate failing. But there is a principle that has stuck out to me and made a difference my entire life, even the times when I didn’t think God existed and I hated my parents and my own life. This principle is simple: do everything to the utmost best of your ability as if doing your work not for man, but for God. If you’ve spent any amount of time around me, you’ll have noticed my odd quirks and OCD freaky cleanliness regarding everything except my feet (I hate shoes). But thanks to heaven not being here yet, I fail at doing things perfectly. I do. It’s hard to believe, I know. Because I’m such a perfect person, right? (I was actually told once that I seemed perfect and I laughed in the person's face until I realized they were serious and then I felt really embarrassed...)

My mind would like to fool me into thinking I do well sometimes. But most days, it does the exact opposite. “You dusted the house and swept the kitchen? Psh! Why didn’t you scrub the bathroom and brush the dogs?! You’re so lazy!” That’s my inner monologue on my off-days. Yes, on my off-days, I clean. On my off-days, I don’t like to do things for myself. While that may seem honorable and very Christ-like of me, it’s actually because I still don’t value myself. In my own eyes, I have value...to be able to show others their value. But regarding myself, hmmm, value doesn’t really apply. Every morning there is the same old fight that goes through my head: “get up or else you're not doing your job and that means you're causing trouble" or "not going to ____ will ruin other people’s day and it will be all your fault!” Even church is like that, even my off-days are like that. I view myself as sort of a mule; stubborn as a donkey but half horse too. So I have some value- value to work. So I work.

And then, a good friend asks me about how full my life is. And not the busy kind of full, but full as fulfilling. As in, “I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance." (John 10:10) What does that mean, having life in abundance? My friend challenged me to not just find new ways to cope, but to discover what true healing is. As in surgery rather than a crutch. And the old ways I used to cope were indeed crutches. As reverse culture shock, struggles with driving, with American society as a whole, and with being a hidden immigrant have set in on me, those old ways of coping have come to mind again. More than anything, the temptation to swallow a pill or pick up a knife. I understand it’s hard for healthy people to understand how someone can harm themselves, how hurting can actually be something that someone enjoys. But I remember that twisted relief that came from creating, as I call them, another crimson tattoo on myself. There is relief in that action and it’s very a simple and easily done action. And that has been hard for me to overcome. And it’s also hard to admit now. I cut myself for years, going over the same places until now I have permanent red marks. But I’ve only been speaking about it for less than a year.

Why am I talking about it now? Please realize it’s not to draw attention to myself. So if you think I’m saying this (and you’re reading this) for shock and awe, please close this page. Go away. No offense, but I don’t want you reading this if that’s what you think of me. Now, as I said at the beginning of this post, I wonder what it is that makes us dream and strive. I wonder, but I know too. I know that it’s God. The greatest inspiration is His world out there and that’s where all the creating happens. In me, the same old processes will happen. “There is nothing new under the sun.” I’d actually change that statement, (no hard feelings to the poor cynical writer of Ecclesiastes), but I would venture to say that there is eternal diversity under the sun and the same process necessary in man. That process is the one of salvation, redemption, and creation.

Even though my Discipleship Training School is over, my journey is definitely not. Six months was one of the steps but it wasn’t the magic fix. God used that time tremendously to shape me, break me, and transform me. But these old patterns, ways of coping, and the fears and lies of the past are still in the back of my mind. So my journey right now is a continuation of my DTS trip. My path right now is to walk the road of redemption, to learn how to dream anew, and to try creating with my Abba’s blessing. It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time! But however I could describe it, it is me. My depression is not gone, boo -hoo. My anxiety is definitely not gone (panic attacks are lovely torments). And my doubt still plagues me. But I count all of these things as blessings because, like Paul, I have reasons to be completely dependent on God for the rest of my life. And that fact reassures me that there will never be a shortage of challenges and obstacles.

Because my God can overcome them. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to sleep so I can dream up some crazy plan to save the world that will be statistically impossible :)

Out of My Mind

20 days. It has been 20 days since I graduated from my DTS. One moment it feels like it all happened yesterday and the next moment it feels like it happened decades ago! But I’m used to this feeling as it’s very common when you move often. I was trying to think earlier of whether or not I had ever gone a year without leaving the country since I was 5 or 6. I can’t remember one year that I didn’t leave whatever country I was in for another country, however brief the visit or long the move. That’s a lot of leaving in 18 years.

But while I was discussing why traveling and leaving is great with one of my best friends, she didn’t share my feelings. Even homesickness to me is part of the fun of traveling; I actually like it! But she didn't. And it suddenly dawned on me that this thing that I assumed was normal... It is not normal. Too often when we experience something we turn it into our own definition of normal and are shocked when other people don’t do or behave in the same way. But this is over-looking the diversity in our existence! I want to figure out my quirks and exploit them for the rest of my life; like traveling and my mental issues. Right now I’m going through 2 Corinthians and today was chapter 5. Verse 13 says, “For if we are out of our mind, it is for God; if we have a sound mind, it is for you.” The background is they just got done telling the believers in Corinth some things that God had been using them to do so that those in the church at Corinth who are concerned with outward appearances and statistics might be satisfied. Paul says (verse 12), “we are not commending ourselves to you again, but giving you an opportunity to be proud of us, so that you may have a reply for those who take pride in the outward appearance rather than the heart.” Why would Paul take time to give these people satisfaction that he is doing a good work if he says they’re superficial?

As someone who’s been in the ministry nearly my entire life, and involved in the church for my entire life, I understand that in ministry you have to have results for people to want to keep supporting you. We don’t realize it, but many of the New Testament books are letters and not just any letters; they’re support letters. The Apostles and Paul were missionaries, and just like missionaries today they needed funds. They were on fire for Christ, so much so that they were willing to spend their lives on the road (literally) and go where they were not welcomed to proclaim the Good News. But they didn’t always have, “We saved 14 people in this town, 20 in that town, and 50 in the next!” Yet they still had a “mission board” so to speak at each church who supported them (the Roman church, Corinth, Ephesus, etc) and they did want results. What did results even look like back then? The term “Christian” was only just being used to describe these new religious fanatics and the word actually literally means “little Christ.” It wasn’t a nice term. So how did the Apostles “save” people if they didn’t have the results together, pictures for their supporters, and a whole list of religious jargon to educate these lost people on?

Simple: they lived their lives and taught from their own experiences and revelation. You can’t really describe the things that go on in ministry sometimes. If you’re not present, sometimes you miss how much a person changes. There’s only so many words to describe transformation and none of them are the same as watching a person’s eyes light up for the first time. For years, I’ve struggled with the whole “make yourself look good to supporters and those giving you money or you’ll get cut!” I saw this too far to the extreme in so many churches, which frustrated me, and in so many missionaries, which saddened me. Maybe that’s why I have such a drive to be transparent now. If I could, I would sit down and discuss in detail every aspect that God used the money my supporters sent me to enable me to attend DTS. I would want to do that, just because that’s who I am. But if we are of a sound mind when we talk to men yet out of our minds when we are talking to God, what does that mean for our personal relationship with Him and our relationships with those missionaries we support? I don't have that answer; all I know is in a world of cover-ups, God has called us to transparency.

As most know, I get panic attacks and have anxiety. Sometimes it’s really hard to live with and I wish I could just disappear because honestly, it’s embarrassing to not have control over my own emotions all the time. There’s a vulnerability even in just telling people that you’re having a panic attack or anxiety. I could easily deny that I've ever had that problem before. And it’s a hidden issue. Unlike when I had my surgeries and I couldn’t bend, open doors, or sit down without pillows, there’s no physical giveaway. Throughout my DTS, my episodes got better. I finally had a handle on things and the schedule we had helped to keep me focused and calm. Now that I’m home, I’m learning how to keep that consistency in my own life. It’s hard. My second week back, I started panicking for absolutely no reason. Luckily I wasn’t doing anything so I was able to retreat to my room and sort things out with Jesus. But it was still difficult. And after that, God had some stuff that He brought up during that time that He had to help me work through. And it was so challenging! I wanted to give in, but I kept remembering the many times He came through for me during DTS and all the times I went out on a limb and trusted Him and how He turned things around through it. How could I deny that God ministers to me so much in my weaknesses, in the moments when I lose control and become uncertain of the very ground under my feet? I can't.

So in closing, a quick look at my life. I’m 18, been involved in ministry since before I can remember, in love with traveling, still struggling with depression and anxiety but determined to use that for Him, and still figuring out what it means to be out of my mind for Christ yet have a sound mind. I have being out of my mind down, it’s the sane part I’m working on! Luckily for me, DTS gave me the steps to grounding myself. :) We’ll see how this ride of reverse culture shock, staying sane, and standing still works out...

Home on the Range

So I’m back in Texas. Many plane rides and a couple countries later, I’m back where my life started and where I somehow always end up sojourning before my next adventure... A week ago Thursday I graduated from my Discipleship Training School with YWAM. I can describe it as the single best experience of my life; while at the same time being one of the hardest things I have ever done! That’s a lot of absolutes but I truly mean it. DTS stretched me, pushed me, guided me, confused me at times, but with each step brought me closer to God. As I was thinking about my amazing ride on graduation night, it dawned on me that the catch-line of DTS, “to know God and make Him known”, is so much more than a catch-line. Ministries and churches make up new slogans every day. Whatever is catchy, has a nice ring to it, and will draw people in. But this line, “to know God and make Him known” is truly what happened. How can I describe it? Growing up in the church, I thought I knew every aspect of God because I sang Father Abraham as a kid, went on missions trips as a pre-teen, and lived on the mission field for most of my teen years. What more was there to know?

How could I know that there is so much more to know about God? There’s always more! God is like the never-ending gobstopper from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factor; you can suck on Him all you want but He’ll never get any smaller (metaphorically, since you can’t actually eat God...). But really, as absurd as that sounds, it’s true! So for everyone who helped put me through DTS, prayerfully and financially, thank you! You truly changed my life more than you will ever know.

If you’ve been following me from the beginning, you’ll remember that my story pre-DTS was not that pretty. I was definitely not walking right and my depression caused me daily to not only berate myself but also to harm myself. Not to mention that the will to live was non-existent as far as I was concerned. However God was concerned as well and He had a different plan, so He sent that angel of a YWAMer Missie to pray for me and to get me talking and considering Him again. (Hey Missie! Thanks again J) Finally, I went to Belize to check out the DTS program and there God broke through my walls of isolation and spoke to me. After that while praying about where to go for my DTS, God told me the random city of San Francisco. I was confused, but I applied and went anyways. Once I got there, I fell instantly in love with the city and my neighborhood (as you might have noticed if you read my last post). And over time, it was evident that God knew what He was doing in leading me to YWAM SF. Not all of DTS was easy; I actually struggled through most of it, floundering a lot and still getting depressed often. But I was determined that I had missed something in my life before concerning God and I wanted to learn what that was. So I chased after Him even when I doubted, even when I so desperately did not want to be there that I cut myself again because I still didn't know how to handle things any other way.

Then one dark night, I remember considering going for the knife again when God spoke that one word to me: hope. You have the right to hope and the reason to hope. So instead I went down to the basement, I blasted worship music as loud as I could and I wept in the presence of God. After that night, something changed. I knew somehow that I was not alone, that God was not a distant person keeping tabs on me, but that He was right beside me. Hurting with me and rejoicing with me; He was there through it all. And that knowledge lifted my spirits and gave me the endurance to go the rest of DTS pushing through each new obstacle and challenge that came up. I guess being stubborn finally paid off, because I was determined not to give in this time. And now here I am. Back where everything has always started- Texas. And I’m wondering, what is my next adventure? At this point, there are so many options that I’m having a hard time narrowing things down. (Who wouldn’t? This ‘land of opportunity’ can be frustrating there are so many options! Maybe that’s a third world thing...)

But I do know this. I want to continue to use my life for Him. Wherever He leads me I’ll follow. For now, that’s Texas so I want to throw myself completely into the community I have here and into any ministry that I can here. Why not buy one of those guys who sit on the side of the road at intersections lunch? Or go visit a nursing home? Whatever it is, Texas is my big hot dry oyster right now! (That would be a terrible oyster but it’s a wonderful country.) And for now, that’s enough. I can’t help but dream, that’s in my nature, yet I know there’s a purpose to me being here right now. So I guess it’s time to enjoy the comforts of a first world life for a little while. I can handle that... J