Beloved

I don't like cliché and sentimental cheesy dwelling on the past, but today made me honestly think through everything I went through this past year (I skipped a few too painful memories). I don't know whether 2011 or 2010 was a worse year for me, but they are definitely close rivals. I don't want to keep looking back though. This is the new year and as my new favorite quote says, “Don't look back, you're not going that way.” And it's so true. I know at this moment we're tempted to start sighing and saying all the good things that happened to us last year, or the bad things but we learned from them. I don't want to say that. I don't want to say, let's start a new year by remembering an old one. Because I wish I could erase a lot of my 2011 memories. So on to a better prospect!

In my last post I linked a video at the bottom by Tenth Avenue North called Beloved. I love the word “Beloved”. I don't know why, it just seems like something Jesus would truly say. Beautiful has been corrupted for me, pretty has been corrupted. Cute is a puppy, hot is a summer day. But beloved... Beloved means so much! It means you're accepted, it means you're pardoned. It means you're valued no matter what! It means you're worth love. And you're not alone. All of my great fears combined, it means the fulfillment of what my soul longs for. Jesus is the fulfillment of what my soul longs for! I just usually don't know it.

My favorite lyric (aside from the chorus), is what it says right away. “Love of my life, look deep in my eyes, there you will find what you need.” When was the last time you looked in Jesus' eyes? I did it this morning at church, and again when I had my devotionals. It's an amazing feeling, whether you're sitting still or standing and singing, to know that Jesus is loving you right then. That He's listening to you, the way your voice doesn't quite reach that note like it should or you're a little tired, but He doesn't care. He's in love with you. Are you in love with Him? He is all we need, now and forever.

The next lines speak to me as well, “Give me your life, the lust and the lies, the past you're afraid I might see.” How many times do we try to hide things from God? I try all the time! I think to myself that I can just pretend I'm too busy all day long and get away without talking to Him or doing my devos. I think I can allow myself to degrade myself in my mind and He'll never know. I can admit my insecurities to myself but pretend I'm strong to God. I can become depressed again and hide it. But He sees. The great thing is, He doesn't judge when He sees. He just longs for us. And we long for Him, even if we don't realize it. Our souls were made with a God-size hole. And only God can fill it. He's the peanut to our butter. The chocolate chip to our cookie! And I want to acknowledge that more. That's all I want this year. I want to stop every day, and thank God and worship Him. I don't want to ask for anything, or plead for forgiveness or endurance. I just want to worship Him. Because we don't think about that much. We forget that God is so holy He has angels singing His praises day and night! And we only think to ask Him for things... And maybe say thanks. But when was the last time you prayed just to tell God, “You're holy, You're perfect, no other is as great and mighty as You are, and I want to praise You all my days!”

You think God doesn't need encouragement? Well, okay, He doesn't. But praise is something different. God won't die if we don't praise Him, He doesn't need us. But He wants us. Can you read that again? He WANTS us. He doesn't need us to be happy or content or powerful. But He wants us so that He can love us and we can know Him. I honestly can't think of anything greater than that. Because for someone to know me so fully, to know all my faults and failures, and desire me as strongly as Jesus does is humanly impossible! Only Jesus can desire us as fiercely as we need. And we can try to fill His place in our soul with material things, and relationships, and work. Yet it will never suffice. Because all of that stuff combined is like half of an atom when He's got the whole galaxy! Which would you want? Galaxy for me, please.

That's pretty much all I have to say. I love the word “Beloved.” I love when Jesus smiles at me. And I want to tell God how great He is more often.

On a more technical note, I'm exactly 2 weeks away from flying to YWAM! Excited yet very nervous at the same time. I know there are no wounds that will be able to hide once I commit myself to constantly studying Him. And it's more than a little scary. But it's also calming. He loves me. I know He does, because He told me. He told me in the sunset this evening, the stars last night, the blue sky this afternoon, and the worship this morning. He told me and I wanted to dance! (Even though I have two left feet.) That's what Jesus is all about, He wants us to know He desires us and wants us so badly He died and called us Beloved for needing Him to die for us! And with the promise of His love and faithfulness, this year will be the best one yet.