Another New Chapter (Or Book)

I love how people title a move or radical change in their lives as "A New Chapter." It's very bookish and being a writer and bookworm, it makes me happy. However since I have moved so often and many radical changes seem to happen to me almost daily, I don't feel like anything is just a new chapter... My life could already be a book. I've had so many adventures, scares, happy moments, sad moments, love, and pain that I feel like if my life ended tomorrow I would have lived a full life. Full, but cut short. Because there are many more things I wish to do and I feel called to do!

That being said, it is with great excitement and peace (after my typical long struggle with panic attacks which reared up again a month ago and are finally subsiding as the time of my flight draws closer), that I announce that in 14 hours I will land in San Francisco, California!! Which seems surreal. Surreal in the strange way that my entire life has felt surreal, from the moment I was told we were moving to Jamaica.

As my life has progressed, there are times that I am overwhelmed with nostalgia and there are times that I feel perfectly content to be in the present moment. This past week it's been a mixture of both. Perhaps it is my constant reflection on where my life has led me, what I've seen God do, and the vast array of memories of distant places which help me to appreciate the present moment all the more. All I know is that I seem to be enthralled with the little moments and even notice them, more than the people around me. Maybe it's because I usually don't have a schedule so I can bend my time any way I choose. Beautiful day? I think I'll take a drive down a back road with the windows down, and thank God for the American life.

A harder part of my life is, as I mentioned, my panic attacks. I can usually conceal them with little difficulty, pleading fatigue or back pain as an excuse. Staying quiet. But I think in my effort to conceal them, I have grown ashamed of them. And that will not do. Because it is too easy for me to pressure myself into demanding perfection in my life. Yet life isn't about perfection, and I know it. So, I say this without any shame and with the full conviction that God is sovereign and my constant Comforter. I experience panic attacks on a regular basis. Yes, even though I am a wholehearted follower and worshiper of Christ Jesus. This does make me weak but not a bad Christian. I'll say that again in case you missed it: I am weak. (2 Corinthians 12:9 comes to mind.) In my weakness, His strength is made clear. In my panic, His peace is obvious. There is no situation I can face which He has not foreseen and established as a safe place for me. Not the darkest alley, or the richest skyscraper. Even in the midst of my stomach tightening, my heart racing, my whole body shuddering in terror, He is watching over me. He is holding me in His hand. And it makes me long for Him!

That's why I'm going to San Francisco. I want to learn more about this Savior I call my Lover. I want to know everything about Him, I want to know His life (both on the earth and in heaven). I want to know better how to become like Him, love like Him, lead like Him, and lay down my life like Him. I truly want to mirror Him to this world. To me this does not seem crazy or radical. This is simply real. In the surreality of my life, this is in sharp focus as the only true reality. I am headstrong and crazy, with more than just a dash of stubborn, but I want to live every day in awe of Him. I want to be a child each time I see His hand in anything. A beautiful sunset, a hot meal on the table, a warm bed at night, friends and family who love me. I want to see Him in it all! Because He is the only thing of worth in this world.

I suppose why I don't feel the path my life is taking is odd or radical because of my nature. That good ol' headstrong, crazy, and more than slightly impulsive little tomboy who secretly wants to be a princess as well. Whether these qualities survive God's refinement remain to be seen. I have a feeling they will be my companion for the totality of my life on earth. Though I can pretend I am not as impulsive as I once was, in reality I am. I just have more control over it now (sometimes). I still mess up, but now I try to find God's leading in it more. If I feel like I should say a certain thing, with the risk of completely missing the target and looking like an idiot, I say it. Because I want to be used. I've been used for many years, but that was for my body. Now I want to be used for my soul and for the souls of others. Another reason YWAM is important to me. I want to hardcore study how to be used! Many people have told me there is no space between my mind and my mouth, and on more than one occasion that's gotten me into trouble. But it seems more often it opens doors, leads conversation in a new direction, and establishes a mutual understanding.

The latter part of this post was me rambling, but I felt I should say it so I'll not apologize. I want to be used, and when I feel the inclination, I'll blindly trust He will do something with it. I may not see the fruit of it today, or even in this lifetime, but I can trust it is there. Because He is there, and He uses all things for His glory and honor. I hope yall have had a good week, I became an aunt again! And that God continues to reveal Himself in every second daily. :)