Challenges

This week has been extremely challenging. If I thought last week was hard, then this week is a centimeter away from impossible! Last week was a walk in the park compared to it. We’re on week #3 now which is Spiritual Warfare (last week was the Character and Nature of God). I assumed that “spiritual warfare” meant explaining demons and ghosts and crap like that. But far from it! Our speaker actually told us the first lecture that there were three parts to spiritual warfare: the mind, sins influence of an ungodly society, and weird stuff. She also told us the main one we would focus on was the mind, and we would only look at “weird stuff” on the last day as a kind of side note so that we sort of know what it looks like. Basically, “weird stuff” isn’t the most important.

So yesterday we had a group session where we let go of things that we hid deep inside of ourselves. We had a 10 minute prayer session before to give us time to search our hearts and let God show us what we needed to surrender. But as soon as our speaker, Dawn, told us what we were doing I knew immediately what I needed to say... And I was terrified. As we went away to pray, I wrestled with God and argued and rebelled. Basically I refused to say that one thing. I told God to show me something else, a smaller thing, and I’d happily say that. But He didn’t... He just kept bringing the same thing to mind. Luckily after I argued and fought with God back and forth all through the session, I was saved by the bell. We had to stop for lunch and this morning we got to pick it back up for those of us who didn’t go yesterday...

All day yesterday I was struggling with this. Even during the session, I felt panicky and wanted to run away because it’s too scary to think of letting this go. Last night I came down to the basement and just blasted music and wrestled with God for over an hour. I wanted to smash my iPod for how clearly He was manipulating the songs that were playing... I’d pray that I couldn’t do it; Reliant K would come on with “never underestimate my Jesus.” I’d pray that I needed strength and I didn’t believe God would hold me up; Rojo came on with “no me soltaras” (Matt Redman, You Never Let Go in English.) I finally gave up... Sort of. At least I was able to share in group without completely falling apart today. Vulnerability is something that I’ve had to learn and it hasn’t been easy. I’ve always prided myself on my strength and independence; it’s very hard letting go of those two defining aspects. But the knowledge that I’ve had this whole day, just that I don’t have to cling to that old belief and be bitter, it’s so liberating! That’s the best word I can think of.

I feel at once regenerated and extremely drained by the struggle this week has been. Last week I wrestled with what I believe that’s from the Bible and that’s from the church. This week it’s been what I believe about myself and a little what I believe about others. Mostly what I believe about myself. But! I’m learning not to listen to the lies I’ve believed for so long and I’m really excited to keep growing throughout my DTS. Today was also a ministry day. For the 3 months that we’re here in San Fran, we’re assigned a ministry here at the base. There’s End Loneliness, Because Justice Matters, and the Ellis Room/Tenderloin Team. I’m on the Ellis Room/Tenderloin Team. I absolutely love my ministry too! Especially Wednesdays because we get to sit in on a Bible study led by a graduate of the 360 program.

His name is Ali. He used to do drugs, live on the streets, and was basically a stereotypical Tenderloin bum. But the 360 program is all about turning lives around, and he’s a great example. I never had any inclination towards homeless ministry or drug recovery programs, or anything even remotely related. But by stretching myself through this ministry opportunity, I’ve grown so much already. It’s amazing to watch these men share about their lives, God, and their victories. And it gives me hope. If I could capture that amazing joy that comes from hearing them recount their past life and how far they’ve come, I’d do it in a heartbeat and send it to everyone I know. But all I can do is write this and try to impress on ya’ll how amazing it is!

I tried writing this entry at least 3 times before, and I finally got it out this time. It’s a little long, but we’ll just say it’s for 2 weeks since I didn’t write last week. I hope ya’ll didn’t get tired reading this and were encouraged by it!