Worship and A Boyfriend

It’s been a while since I last updated. The past two weekends have come around and I always get the same thought: “Oh! I really need to update my blog! I’ll do it after I finish painting/feeding the animals/running this errand/etc.” And obviously, I never get around to it... But unlike my more recent posts which have only been me rambling and sharing what’s on my mind, this post has purpose. A particularly purposeful post! (Yay alliteration!)

This phase of patience after my DTS has been trying at times but God is definitely moving. I know that He is working through my life and the things I am experiencing and going through. And having a job yet having so much free time is giving me lots of time to process and think through the things from my DTS. Although I’m impatient usually, I am content where I am. And I have God’s promise for the future, which is priceless! That future step which I am looking towards is a School of Worship with YWAM. I’m looking at earning my degree with YWAM’s University of the Nations, and while I was in Italy on Outreach God told me that a School of Worship would be my next step. After patience. Patience first.

So while I am enjoying my period of patience and reliance on Him, I’d like to ask for prayer on my next step. The School of Worship which I am praying on attending is in Perth, Australia. Although the title may seem odd, the purpose of the School of Worship is the same as my DTS: to know God and make Him known. But this time, it’s through learning how to integrate worship into every aspect of my life and then in turn teach others to do the same. There's something about worship which draws my heart in. Even at the height of my depression and in the midst of my disbelief and hatred for the Church and missions, I couldn't help but soar to this wonderful place of blissful happiness whenever I worshiped God. And I couldn't stop myself from worshiping every time I went to church; in the past when I didn't trust God, it actually annoyed me! But now, I love my late-night worship sessions with my Abba. I love challenging myself to stand still in churches in America and worship the way we do here. I love coming home and worshiping through sign language, painting, writing, or just sitting on the ground and staring at the sky as I praise Him. I love worship and I can't wait to learn more about it!

As with all YWAM schools, it’s teaching but not all classes. Some people think that if I’m going to Australia I’ll be kicking back and having a grand ol’ time. Although I do expect to enjoy my SOW as much as I loved my DTS, and to enjoy the places I see as I fell in love with San Francisco and enjoyed Italy, my focus is not tourism. I don’t know why God has called me to do a SOW, but I believe it has a purpose in my life and my walk with Him. The first 2 and a half months of my SOW will be spent at the Perth YWAM base and after that my school will travel out to do Outreach, the country/countries we will go to I don’t yet know. I’m still in the admission process for this school, so I would really appreciate prayer that Jesus will lead me in this. Also, although I have a job right now and am saving up for this school, I will not be able to cover all the costs. I will be able to cover my classroom time, Lecture Phase, and probably plane tickets and some of Outreach. But Outreach, 2 and a half months on the mission field in another country, I will need help financially with. Please pray with me on this front. Plus, if I am accepted to the base there are Australian student visas to acquire and things like that. It’s a little daunting, but I’m excited to see what Jesus does! And I’m thankful for this time of rest to store up strength and energy to serve Him on the field again.

Now for my other news! As any of you who follow me on Facebook would perhaps have noticed, I have a boyfriend these days. Excuse me while I giggle and smile like a dork for a few minutes ... Ehem! So yeah, I have a boyfriend. Although if you had asked me in January if I was ever going to get married, I would have replied in the negative. I was going to be a nun! (Minus the convent and various rules that is—I like my short hair!) In January I was convinced that marriage, though okay for some people, was something I did NOT want. God worked heaps in renewing my view of marriage through the two married couples on my DTS (one couple who were my school leaders and the other couple were students). Through walking closely with them for 6 months, God taught me a lot about relationships and Christ in marriage which I didn't know before. And I came out of DTS with more optimism for marriage and less of a poor imagine of it.

As I grew on my DTS, God spoke volumes into my identity; He spoke volumes on that fact that I am and always will be His bride who He absolutely delights in! Now that’s a true reason to be giddy! And I distinctly remember that I was in Milan when He spoke that to me. I was having doubts and was confused about a certain guy (the one I’m currently dating), and so I took it to my Abba. I said, ‘Daddy I don’t know what he’s thinking and I don’t like being so unstable and unsure in my identity. It feels like a rollercoaster because I’m approaching this like my old relationships, but I’m not the old me. I have been made new! So please make the way I view myself and go into all my relationships (not just romantic) reflect more of the new me that You’re creating.’ And God spoke to me. I just re-read my journal entry for that day, May 29^th 2012, and I was in so much pain! I was all weakness and zero strength, and since my surgeries and before I have prided myself on being strong enough to be capable and able on my own. I prided my independence above all else. But I was broken and I saw that—God spoke Isaiah 62:5: “For as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so your God will rejoice over you.” And God kept telling me all the ways I was His bride the rest of Outreach. It was a magical time.

After many months of limited communication, (which shows Ben’s honor and respect in his desire not to impose during my “honeymoon with Jesus” [as DTS is called]), we started talking again when I returned home and was settled a bit. He invited me to visit him up in Ohio and while I was there we had several talks about where we want a relationship to go, where we want our relationship to go, and our commitment to God within our relationship. That was 23 days ago. And since then, God has been amazing! I’ve woken up every day and been blessed by Ben’s presence in my life. He challenges me to grow closer to God and rely more on Him than anyone else, he prays for me and always goes to God with things first. It’s amazing to be in a godly relationship for the first time in my life and experience all the blessings that come with that! Plus, I have living proof that good guys still very much exist. But he’s taken ;)

So that's my life these days. I hope yall have a good week!

Where Is God?

Where is God?

Not where is God in general, but where was God in my day? I was thinking this on Saturday, my weekend, my free time. An entire day passed and aside from a prayer of gratitude on the ride home from errands, I didn’t go to my Abba once! Not once! Where has my passion for Him gone? After I came home from DTS, it was Bible study or worship or intercession every day! It was diving into His word and learning new things about my life in Him all the time!

And now, where is God?
There’s something interesting that I’ve seen and I’d like to verbalize. I complain a lot. I complain about my Church, my life, my money and my circumstances. I envy other people’s seemingly so easy and normal lives. To me, it looks like movie lives DO exist. Because they’re all around me! Imagine, most people having carpet in their homes! And not just rugs, but real carpet. And AC! Pools? Multiple cars? They spend hundreds of dollars on their pets? The movies ARE based on real life.

Life in America anyways. Which brings me back to my point, after many years and tears I finally find myself back in the State that I begged God for incessantly. And am I thankful? No. I think of my Church, my life, my money and my circumstances. I need to slap myself over the head! Because it’s not my Church, it’s His bride. And it’s not my life, it’s His which He bought at the highest price. It’s not my money, it’s His that He’s lending me. And it’s not my circumstances, but His presence in them. But it’s hard to remember that. I’m constantly finding myself going through the process of me, me, me and then realizing how empty it makes me feel and running back to Abba.

I don’t want Him to be my second choice! I want Him to be my only choice. We sing songs about God being good to us, about God loving us and about devoting ourselves to God. And honestly, I’m seriously sick of all this mushy love-song crap that I keep hearing on the radio. Yes, God loves us. But we don’t say that humbly; it’s like when we’re singing it we do so with pride! We may sing “I’m a sinner but You are a Savior”, but we don’t really mean that. We don’t fall down and worship God JUST because He is God. We worship Him when He is good to us, when He loves us and when He gives us good times. But when was the last time we say a song not mentioning anything other than the fact that God is God? I’ll give an example.

I love Tenth Avenue North, I really do. But one of their most popular songs is misleading. I’m talking about Love Is Here. Only seconds into the song you hear, “Come to the Father you who work, and you’ll work no more.” Now my human side says, ‘yesss! I get to be lazy for eternity!’ Because that’s what it sounds like. What do you think heaven is going to be? Laying around, eating grapes and being immortal for an unfathomable length of forever? I don’t think so. And I don’t think it will be playing golf either (at least not all the time, though I do think God has many fun sides of heaven for us). God created us with a purpose, with drive and with ambition: a hunger to create and busy ourselves. If you took a honey bee away from flowers and it’s beehive, what would it do? Fly aimlessly around and then die. Work is not a bad thing! It’s a God thing!

I try not to forget this but it happens. And then I hear songs like Love Is Here, and I wonder how many Christians are deluded and think that if they just stay away from the big sins and go to Church on Sundays, then one day they will get to be lazy for eternity. Oh, and with angels serving us of course. That is not heaven... That is hell. If this earth does not teach us that selfishness is the pit of hell, then there is little hope for us. We spend our lives constantly chasing our own desires, and look around! America is miserable in her wealth. We spend more than we have so we can get that new car, that new TV, or that new expansion on our house. We call in “sick” because “we deserve a day off!” There is a reason there are so many quotes from successful people telling us to find what it is that we truly love and work at that for the rest of our lives. Because that is what heaven is! That is where God is in our lives.

But I digress. My point is, God is not nearly as present in my mind as I wish He was. And that responsibility falls on me. I’m the one who let my worship sessions and quiet times slip, only doing them every 3 or 5 or 7 days... That’s my fault. I’m the one who goes to work and only thanks God maybe every 1 in 10 prayers. The other 9 are spent asking God to make work go smoothly. Selfish.

So here’s my new goal, and I want to be held accountable to it. If you read this and it’s not because you accidentally clicked on this link instead of that YouTube video of the cat chasing the laser beam, then I ask you to help hold me accountable. If you remember, it would be appreciated. Okay, so here goes:

1. I want to put a spending freeze on the money God has given me so I have more to give others who I want to support overseas

2. I want to spend at least 15 minutes with Jesus every day, no matter if it’s worship, prayer, Bible reading or just sitting in His presence. I need that time, and 15 minutes is so minimal...

3. I want to be more thankful and less envious, practically I want to rejoice with those who can rejoice in the blessings God has given them and I want to rejoice in the blessings He has given me. (Which are many, contrary to my envious thought-process)

4. I want to spend at the most 1 hour on the Internet every day. That includes emails, research, and job searching. If I've only committed 15 minutes to Jesus, I don’t need 5 hours on the Internet... (This excludes Skype, since that’s the only way I can call my parents :P)

So, if you’re game, please help keep me accountable in this! :)