Why Dream?

What is it that makes us dream? What is it that makes us strive?

Sometimes, whatever that determination factor is, I feel like I’m missing it. Sometimes it seems that I’m just another dreamer; imagining changing a world that is already turned over or making a difference in people’s lives who have already been helped. But in reality, not doing anything other than dream. What left is there to do in this world?

Well, unless I missed something, Jesus isn’t living down the street from me. God isn’t the only Judge in the land. And the church is still a building. So clearly, heaven isn’t here yet. Bummer, right? Not exactly! See, while heaven isn’t here we get this unimaginable luxury. The luxury of making mistakes and being wrong. How terrific, we get to fail! That sounds terrible. I hate failing. But there is a principle that has stuck out to me and made a difference my entire life, even the times when I didn’t think God existed and I hated my parents and my own life. This principle is simple: do everything to the utmost best of your ability as if doing your work not for man, but for God. If you’ve spent any amount of time around me, you’ll have noticed my odd quirks and OCD freaky cleanliness regarding everything except my feet (I hate shoes). But thanks to heaven not being here yet, I fail at doing things perfectly. I do. It’s hard to believe, I know. Because I’m such a perfect person, right? (I was actually told once that I seemed perfect and I laughed in the person's face until I realized they were serious and then I felt really embarrassed...)

My mind would like to fool me into thinking I do well sometimes. But most days, it does the exact opposite. “You dusted the house and swept the kitchen? Psh! Why didn’t you scrub the bathroom and brush the dogs?! You’re so lazy!” That’s my inner monologue on my off-days. Yes, on my off-days, I clean. On my off-days, I don’t like to do things for myself. While that may seem honorable and very Christ-like of me, it’s actually because I still don’t value myself. In my own eyes, I have value...to be able to show others their value. But regarding myself, hmmm, value doesn’t really apply. Every morning there is the same old fight that goes through my head: “get up or else you're not doing your job and that means you're causing trouble" or "not going to ____ will ruin other people’s day and it will be all your fault!” Even church is like that, even my off-days are like that. I view myself as sort of a mule; stubborn as a donkey but half horse too. So I have some value- value to work. So I work.

And then, a good friend asks me about how full my life is. And not the busy kind of full, but full as fulfilling. As in, “I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance." (John 10:10) What does that mean, having life in abundance? My friend challenged me to not just find new ways to cope, but to discover what true healing is. As in surgery rather than a crutch. And the old ways I used to cope were indeed crutches. As reverse culture shock, struggles with driving, with American society as a whole, and with being a hidden immigrant have set in on me, those old ways of coping have come to mind again. More than anything, the temptation to swallow a pill or pick up a knife. I understand it’s hard for healthy people to understand how someone can harm themselves, how hurting can actually be something that someone enjoys. But I remember that twisted relief that came from creating, as I call them, another crimson tattoo on myself. There is relief in that action and it’s very a simple and easily done action. And that has been hard for me to overcome. And it’s also hard to admit now. I cut myself for years, going over the same places until now I have permanent red marks. But I’ve only been speaking about it for less than a year.

Why am I talking about it now? Please realize it’s not to draw attention to myself. So if you think I’m saying this (and you’re reading this) for shock and awe, please close this page. Go away. No offense, but I don’t want you reading this if that’s what you think of me. Now, as I said at the beginning of this post, I wonder what it is that makes us dream and strive. I wonder, but I know too. I know that it’s God. The greatest inspiration is His world out there and that’s where all the creating happens. In me, the same old processes will happen. “There is nothing new under the sun.” I’d actually change that statement, (no hard feelings to the poor cynical writer of Ecclesiastes), but I would venture to say that there is eternal diversity under the sun and the same process necessary in man. That process is the one of salvation, redemption, and creation.

Even though my Discipleship Training School is over, my journey is definitely not. Six months was one of the steps but it wasn’t the magic fix. God used that time tremendously to shape me, break me, and transform me. But these old patterns, ways of coping, and the fears and lies of the past are still in the back of my mind. So my journey right now is a continuation of my DTS trip. My path right now is to walk the road of redemption, to learn how to dream anew, and to try creating with my Abba’s blessing. It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time! But however I could describe it, it is me. My depression is not gone, boo -hoo. My anxiety is definitely not gone (panic attacks are lovely torments). And my doubt still plagues me. But I count all of these things as blessings because, like Paul, I have reasons to be completely dependent on God for the rest of my life. And that fact reassures me that there will never be a shortage of challenges and obstacles.

Because my God can overcome them. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to sleep so I can dream up some crazy plan to save the world that will be statistically impossible :)

Out of My Mind

20 days. It has been 20 days since I graduated from my DTS. One moment it feels like it all happened yesterday and the next moment it feels like it happened decades ago! But I’m used to this feeling as it’s very common when you move often. I was trying to think earlier of whether or not I had ever gone a year without leaving the country since I was 5 or 6. I can’t remember one year that I didn’t leave whatever country I was in for another country, however brief the visit or long the move. That’s a lot of leaving in 18 years.

But while I was discussing why traveling and leaving is great with one of my best friends, she didn’t share my feelings. Even homesickness to me is part of the fun of traveling; I actually like it! But she didn't. And it suddenly dawned on me that this thing that I assumed was normal... It is not normal. Too often when we experience something we turn it into our own definition of normal and are shocked when other people don’t do or behave in the same way. But this is over-looking the diversity in our existence! I want to figure out my quirks and exploit them for the rest of my life; like traveling and my mental issues. Right now I’m going through 2 Corinthians and today was chapter 5. Verse 13 says, “For if we are out of our mind, it is for God; if we have a sound mind, it is for you.” The background is they just got done telling the believers in Corinth some things that God had been using them to do so that those in the church at Corinth who are concerned with outward appearances and statistics might be satisfied. Paul says (verse 12), “we are not commending ourselves to you again, but giving you an opportunity to be proud of us, so that you may have a reply for those who take pride in the outward appearance rather than the heart.” Why would Paul take time to give these people satisfaction that he is doing a good work if he says they’re superficial?

As someone who’s been in the ministry nearly my entire life, and involved in the church for my entire life, I understand that in ministry you have to have results for people to want to keep supporting you. We don’t realize it, but many of the New Testament books are letters and not just any letters; they’re support letters. The Apostles and Paul were missionaries, and just like missionaries today they needed funds. They were on fire for Christ, so much so that they were willing to spend their lives on the road (literally) and go where they were not welcomed to proclaim the Good News. But they didn’t always have, “We saved 14 people in this town, 20 in that town, and 50 in the next!” Yet they still had a “mission board” so to speak at each church who supported them (the Roman church, Corinth, Ephesus, etc) and they did want results. What did results even look like back then? The term “Christian” was only just being used to describe these new religious fanatics and the word actually literally means “little Christ.” It wasn’t a nice term. So how did the Apostles “save” people if they didn’t have the results together, pictures for their supporters, and a whole list of religious jargon to educate these lost people on?

Simple: they lived their lives and taught from their own experiences and revelation. You can’t really describe the things that go on in ministry sometimes. If you’re not present, sometimes you miss how much a person changes. There’s only so many words to describe transformation and none of them are the same as watching a person’s eyes light up for the first time. For years, I’ve struggled with the whole “make yourself look good to supporters and those giving you money or you’ll get cut!” I saw this too far to the extreme in so many churches, which frustrated me, and in so many missionaries, which saddened me. Maybe that’s why I have such a drive to be transparent now. If I could, I would sit down and discuss in detail every aspect that God used the money my supporters sent me to enable me to attend DTS. I would want to do that, just because that’s who I am. But if we are of a sound mind when we talk to men yet out of our minds when we are talking to God, what does that mean for our personal relationship with Him and our relationships with those missionaries we support? I don't have that answer; all I know is in a world of cover-ups, God has called us to transparency.

As most know, I get panic attacks and have anxiety. Sometimes it’s really hard to live with and I wish I could just disappear because honestly, it’s embarrassing to not have control over my own emotions all the time. There’s a vulnerability even in just telling people that you’re having a panic attack or anxiety. I could easily deny that I've ever had that problem before. And it’s a hidden issue. Unlike when I had my surgeries and I couldn’t bend, open doors, or sit down without pillows, there’s no physical giveaway. Throughout my DTS, my episodes got better. I finally had a handle on things and the schedule we had helped to keep me focused and calm. Now that I’m home, I’m learning how to keep that consistency in my own life. It’s hard. My second week back, I started panicking for absolutely no reason. Luckily I wasn’t doing anything so I was able to retreat to my room and sort things out with Jesus. But it was still difficult. And after that, God had some stuff that He brought up during that time that He had to help me work through. And it was so challenging! I wanted to give in, but I kept remembering the many times He came through for me during DTS and all the times I went out on a limb and trusted Him and how He turned things around through it. How could I deny that God ministers to me so much in my weaknesses, in the moments when I lose control and become uncertain of the very ground under my feet? I can't.

So in closing, a quick look at my life. I’m 18, been involved in ministry since before I can remember, in love with traveling, still struggling with depression and anxiety but determined to use that for Him, and still figuring out what it means to be out of my mind for Christ yet have a sound mind. I have being out of my mind down, it’s the sane part I’m working on! Luckily for me, DTS gave me the steps to grounding myself. :) We’ll see how this ride of reverse culture shock, staying sane, and standing still works out...

Home on the Range

So I’m back in Texas. Many plane rides and a couple countries later, I’m back where my life started and where I somehow always end up sojourning before my next adventure... A week ago Thursday I graduated from my Discipleship Training School with YWAM. I can describe it as the single best experience of my life; while at the same time being one of the hardest things I have ever done! That’s a lot of absolutes but I truly mean it. DTS stretched me, pushed me, guided me, confused me at times, but with each step brought me closer to God. As I was thinking about my amazing ride on graduation night, it dawned on me that the catch-line of DTS, “to know God and make Him known”, is so much more than a catch-line. Ministries and churches make up new slogans every day. Whatever is catchy, has a nice ring to it, and will draw people in. But this line, “to know God and make Him known” is truly what happened. How can I describe it? Growing up in the church, I thought I knew every aspect of God because I sang Father Abraham as a kid, went on missions trips as a pre-teen, and lived on the mission field for most of my teen years. What more was there to know?

How could I know that there is so much more to know about God? There’s always more! God is like the never-ending gobstopper from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factor; you can suck on Him all you want but He’ll never get any smaller (metaphorically, since you can’t actually eat God...). But really, as absurd as that sounds, it’s true! So for everyone who helped put me through DTS, prayerfully and financially, thank you! You truly changed my life more than you will ever know.

If you’ve been following me from the beginning, you’ll remember that my story pre-DTS was not that pretty. I was definitely not walking right and my depression caused me daily to not only berate myself but also to harm myself. Not to mention that the will to live was non-existent as far as I was concerned. However God was concerned as well and He had a different plan, so He sent that angel of a YWAMer Missie to pray for me and to get me talking and considering Him again. (Hey Missie! Thanks again J) Finally, I went to Belize to check out the DTS program and there God broke through my walls of isolation and spoke to me. After that while praying about where to go for my DTS, God told me the random city of San Francisco. I was confused, but I applied and went anyways. Once I got there, I fell instantly in love with the city and my neighborhood (as you might have noticed if you read my last post). And over time, it was evident that God knew what He was doing in leading me to YWAM SF. Not all of DTS was easy; I actually struggled through most of it, floundering a lot and still getting depressed often. But I was determined that I had missed something in my life before concerning God and I wanted to learn what that was. So I chased after Him even when I doubted, even when I so desperately did not want to be there that I cut myself again because I still didn't know how to handle things any other way.

Then one dark night, I remember considering going for the knife again when God spoke that one word to me: hope. You have the right to hope and the reason to hope. So instead I went down to the basement, I blasted worship music as loud as I could and I wept in the presence of God. After that night, something changed. I knew somehow that I was not alone, that God was not a distant person keeping tabs on me, but that He was right beside me. Hurting with me and rejoicing with me; He was there through it all. And that knowledge lifted my spirits and gave me the endurance to go the rest of DTS pushing through each new obstacle and challenge that came up. I guess being stubborn finally paid off, because I was determined not to give in this time. And now here I am. Back where everything has always started- Texas. And I’m wondering, what is my next adventure? At this point, there are so many options that I’m having a hard time narrowing things down. (Who wouldn’t? This ‘land of opportunity’ can be frustrating there are so many options! Maybe that’s a third world thing...)

But I do know this. I want to continue to use my life for Him. Wherever He leads me I’ll follow. For now, that’s Texas so I want to throw myself completely into the community I have here and into any ministry that I can here. Why not buy one of those guys who sit on the side of the road at intersections lunch? Or go visit a nursing home? Whatever it is, Texas is my big hot dry oyster right now! (That would be a terrible oyster but it’s a wonderful country.) And for now, that’s enough. I can’t help but dream, that’s in my nature, yet I know there’s a purpose to me being here right now. So I guess it’s time to enjoy the comforts of a first world life for a little while. I can handle that... J

Looking Up and Facing the Challenge

I love my ministry. And it kills me to think of leaving so soon! Being back in San Francisco this past week has been like being home again. Walking the familiar streets, going to my favorite little hangouts, and enjoying the sun while somehow still having to bundle up like it is winter... Okay, maybe that last part isn’t my favorite. But seeing all the guys I used to do ministry with again, getting a letter from one of them, and setting up times to chat with each of them has been so special. What more can a person want? What more can a Christian want?

To live in a community like this is a rare opportunity; to be encouraged by everyone around you to follow God and chase after Him harder and grow deeper in your relationship with Him. Where else can you find this? There is no lukewarm Christianity here. What’s life like here? Well for one, you can’t really have stale faith in the Tenderloin. Either you curse God or you serve Him. Maybe you switch back and forth, but life can be cruel here. It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting on the sidewalk sniffing crack at 8 am or if you’ve locked yourself inside your tiny SRO because you can’t stand to see the world around you; life treats you the same in this neighborhood. The people who pass through every day on their way to work in their nice clothes with their special order coffees barely even glance at you. The human waste, dark corners where drug deals go on 24-7, and left over needles that lay around everywhere tell a story that reflects the often overcast sky. The neighborhood has a layer of grime and a grayness that is as permanent as the pot-filled air that wafts from open doorways.

This neighborhood is beautiful! After the description I just gave, you may be thinking that I mean a different neighborhood. But I don’t. I mean the one and only TL, the Tenderloin, the armpit of San Francisco. Just to be clear, I’ll explain what I mean. When I first came here, my only point of reference for San Francisco was Full House. The Tenderloin is nothing like Full House. Moreover, I discovered that it was actually a lot like the ghetto of Honduras or Jamaica (minus the dirt roads). It took me almost two months to realize that what I saw everyday wasn’t normal and that most people don’t feel comfortable in this kind of place. To me, it was just how things are. But during the first month when I witnessed my teammates shock at the streets outside it dawned on me that these were things that broke God’s heart. So I began to pray that God would break my heart over what breaks His and give me His eyes to see the people that He created laying on the sidewalk. I got those eyes a few weeks before Outreach and I walked through the neighborhood with tears welling in my eyes. I saw His beautiful daughters sitting among needles and standing on street corners while their pimps stood close by to keep a watch on them. I saw His mighty sons sitting on the sidewalk broken and forced into cycles that killed their spirit.

And then I looked up. The sky shone with the same beautiful blue that it shines over Texas! Its majesty sparkled just as cheerfully as it did in Florida when I visited West Palm Beach. And I realized something. These streets are not normal and these people are not doomed to this forever. Because God’s compassion is deeper than the ocean and His faithfulness is higher than the heavens. So I began praying that He fill me up so I could pour it all out on these people who He loves so much. I threw myself into encouraging, serving, find any opportunity to show people how much He values them. And now I call this place home. I call it my beautiful, familiar, God-given home. And the fact that when I go to the corner store I have a conversation with the family who owns it, and when I walk down the streets I’m hailed by fellow volunteers and guys who visit our Ellis Room, fills my heart to bursting with joy. It’s why someone who has never been a big crier is suddenly tearing up whenever she thinks about leaving. It’s why I want to intern back here or at least visit. Because I can’t imagine leaving the people who I’ve spent hours talking to and months building relationships with never to see them again; I trust God to look after them but I sure hope I’m at least a visitor in their future!

DTS has been a great ride but it is only my beginning. God brought me here for a purpose and I plan on seeking that purpose out until I’m exhausted, asking God for more strength, and then seeking it all the more! The journey has only just begun and the road that lays before me harbors many trials and much pain, but that just makes the trip all the more fun and challenging... I’ve always loved a good challenge. :)

A Roman Ministry

Rome. Roma. La bella citta. All of these things are words that could be used to refer to the place I have been the past week. This beautiful city which I don’t even have to describe to people, its fame being well deserved, is where I have had the privilege to minister. It’s been amazing to walk around the Colosseum reading my Bible or go to the Pantheon and walk past because I’ve seen it so often or visit the Trevi and only pause for a moment because my real destination is the best gelato in Rome on a side street past the tourists. I believe I can truly say that I have experienced Italy now, since I have stayed in the quiet south, the business north, and now the historical middle. It is a beautiful country.

Raving aside, the most awesome ministry has happened here in Rome. We were certainly run hard here and had beautifully full days. Our first week we did a variety of ministries from Afghani refugee food distribution to church service in a park to performing skits and prayer walking all throughout Roma. We also went to a neighborhood which we prayed a lot about during Lecture Phase called San Lorenzo. This neighborhood has a particularly dark history and you can feel it as you enter through the ominous arches and huge stone walls. This was the first place hit by bombs when the Allies attacked Roma. Mussolini had assured the people that the Allies would never bomb Roma because of the Vatican so when it happened there was an acute sense of betrayal; ever since San Lorenzo has been the centre for anarchism in the city. Walking around we saw anarchy symbols everywhere and even more graffiti than anywhere else in Roma (which we didn’t think was possible!), finally we gathered in a piazza which was clearly the local place to be at night and sat praying in groups. Even though we weren’t approaching anyone, you could see everywhere in the piazza people noticed that we weren’t smoking or drinking or anything of that sorts and they were extremely confused and curious. Just being there was a witness to them.

Our second week here we went to an old folks home and joined the Grandparents’ and Grandchildren’s Day hosted there every month. The property has very old, grand buildings on it and wonderfully green areas to walk around and rest in. After the games and lunch, I wandered into a little shop that they have there to sell crafts and knickknacks sold that have been made by the residents to raise money to keep the place open. (The materials for these crafts are donated by friends and churches from the States, if you are interested in helping out by sending some buttons or craft materials the likes that are found at Hobby Lobby, please let me know!) Inside the shop I met a little old lady who emigrated from Peru and has been living there for 6 years. At first, I approached her just to say hello because my Italian is still not very good, but when I sat down I was surprised to hear her speaking Spanish and as we talked I discovered that she actually didn’t know any Italian at all! She said that nobody else there spoke Spanish, although there was one other resident who understood and spoke a little. All I could think was how lonely she must be! My thought was proven true when 10 minutes into our conversation she suddenly seemed to realize we were conversing in pure Spanish and hugged me tightly while exclaiming, “Estamos hablando en Español!” (We’re speaking in Spanish!) I walked away feeling so blessed to have had the privilege of being the one to talk with and represent Jesus to her.

Earlier that same day I had the chance to talk with another person from Peru, again in Spanish. But this was a boy about the age of 16 who was greatly interested in this group of young people who went to learn about the Bible and then came all the way to Italy not to see the sights but to serve. He peppered me with questions about our school, YWAM, and what I thought of the experience. At times it was difficult for me to answer, because even in English I have a hard time describing my DTS experience but describing it in Spanish takes even more mental effort. Still, as our conversation wound down, he stood very pensive and was silent for long periods of time as his questions were answered. Eventually I was called away to help with the games but I had the opportunity to see him again twice at the other church serves we attended. Because he jumped right into asking me about my DTS and everything else, I never actually got the chance to ask his name. So I still don’t know it! But I do know that I will continue to pray for him and hope that our conversation will spur him on to seeking God with totally abandon. He has only been in the church for about 3 years and was baptized last year; he could use your prayers as well.

These are merely two of the amazing people that I have met here in Roma. God has always seemed to send people my way on this trip who either only speak Spanish or speak Italian and Spanish but no English, and that has challenged me and grown me in countless ways. I’m forever thankful for these months in Italy and I am eternally grateful for everyone who helped me come on this trip. Thank you. I now return to San Francisco for two weeks of debrief and on the 29^th I fly back to Texas! I’m so excited to return home!

Milan and Ministry Update

Wow. I’d like to take a moment and just think about everything that has happened lately, but since you don’t know I’ll first have to tell you!

So what has happened? The day after I wrote my last post, we had our first English Class in the park with Paola (YWAMer here). The kids were so eager and excited to learn any new words we taught them, and even the way they played spoke of the influence Paola has had in teaching them through games. Throughout all the games, when it was someone’s turn then they got the ball. No question. After watching normal kids play and the bickering and arguing that usually occurs, we were amazed with how well these kids preferred each other! “And he said: ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven.’”...

Last week, we spent every morning prepping and every evening working a kids’ program in a local park similar to a Vacation Bible School. We did puppets, face painting, balloons, songs, crafts- all the good stuff. It was so amazing to hear the parents asking why we were there, why everything was free, and if we would be there tomorrow! I was doing face painting and the kids would line from the moment we got there to the minute we left to get butterflies, Spiderman, flowers, and Batman all over their faces and even arms. A few would keep coming back again and again for just one more and they always left with huge dreamy smiles on their faces. Here in Italy, not many parents play with their children. When you walk past a playground, you’ll see all the kids playing and all the parents waiting for them to finish. But with our crafts, the kids needed help and it was great to see the parents get done and help their children create the various toys we had for them. And you could tell the parents were actually enjoying it! To bring those parents and children closer was well worth the sweat, hours practicing, and mosquito bites.

Sunday we had the morning off to give our moms a call and wish them happy mother’s day, which was much appreciated. We’ve now been on DTS exactly 4 months and sometimes homesickness hits hard. Monday we set off for a local town called Casorate, where there is a church that the two local YWAMers are a part of. A previous DTS also worked closely with the Casorate church. We will be going back to stay for about a week but this was just a two-day trip to clean up the landscape around the church before a gospel concert is held there on Monday. The first morning was a brutal awakening, after so much of children’s programs and prayers, the manual labor was definitely different. It was a nice cool day though, not too hot, and with so many hands we got a lot done. In the afternoon we walked all over town and passed out flyers for the gospel concert and stuck them in hundreds of mailboxes (which isn’t illegal over here). The next morning it was yard work again and with an even cooler day and a resolve to finish well, we got the entire thing done with surprising speed! I’m so proud of team, many of whom aren’t used to working outside, and I’d be willing to subject them to hell week (aka a work team in hot Jamaica building houses!). In the afternoon we cleaned up the church and headed back “home” to the YWAM base in Milan.

Which brings me up to date; today is our off day and it has been mostly catching up with the outside world. Two of my teammates and I also volunteered to clean the church we were working with last week, which allowed me to go out and see this gorgeous day for a few hours. After all the freezing cold spring we felt in Acquaviva (that we were completely unprepared for), it makes us all so grateful for the warm days and sunshine we have here! Some prayer requests I have is for the strength and endurance of my team. With just one month left in Italy and only 2 weeks after that in DTS, people are starting to talk about going home and what their plans are after and everything they want to do at home. I’m excited as well but I hope that my excitement to get home doesn’t take away from my present ministry. Going frequently from one country to another and in between “homes”, I know only too well how much joy it can take from one place by wishing you were in the other... So in that, I just want to ask that yall be praying that we’re able to stay focused and energized for our remaining time! :)

Speaking of going back, it’s hard to believe that time has flown so quickly and I’m even thinking of going back to Texas already! My plans are definitely not set in stone but I’ve been praying very hard about a couple options. Some in Texas and some in other countries; we’ll see which one God sheds more light on. At the moment, I’m not telling too many details to too many people because I really don’t like being fickle and changing plans constantly. At the moment, I will say that my two biggest options are staying in Weatherford or doing a secondary school with YWAM. So I could use prayer for that as well.

Back to our time here, we have two more weeks in Milan and then two weeks in Rome and back to San Francisco for me!

A Closer Look At Italy

It’s been a long time since I’ve written but so much has happened in the meantime! The rest of our stay in Acquaviva was filled with amazing God times. People opened up as we walked around town and prayed for them as we felt led. Before I came here, I never would have thought that any country in Europe needed missionaries. During our prep we heard that Europe is becoming the new “dark continent” spiritually. Now that I’m here, I can attest that this is absolutely 100% true. Just walking around, there is a spiritually heaviness that you can almost taste... The big strong holds here in Milan are depression and loneliness. In a city of over 4.3 million people, that’s kind of hard to believe. But aloneness and loneliness are different things. Because of the spiritual darkness and oppression there is a strong presence of loneliness, which does not need to have solitude to affect a person.

I would especially like to ask for prayer support (continued after we leave), for the YWAMers who are here full time and the other missionaries here in the city. There is a couple (and their children) in particular, local Italians who did their DTS in England, who are standing alone with just two other staff and trying to do ministry in their entire region of the city. Four people, a city of 4.3 million people. And the true believers can be numbered on your hands. To say that Europe needs missionaries is an understatement; to say that Italy needs missionaries is a cry for a help. There is also a couple who have started a church nearby, the wife is Swiss and the husband was born in Spain to missionary parents from Michigan, and they are here raising their family in Italian schools and serving God. The great thing about these two couples is how much they support each other; two different missions organizations, working together for the common good of the Kingdom.

Even if you haven’t been praying for me, I ask that you pray for these two couples. My team is here to support them by manpower, extra prayer support, easing their ministerial burden temporarily, and forging the way in new ministries they want to be starting. We are here to help them as much as possible and encourage them in their work here. To be a missionary in Italy (and in many places in Europe as I understand it), you have to be willing to invest years. Unlike other places where you go in, build a house, teach a bit and see conversions, Italy takes years and years just to start a church. Luigi and Paola, the Italian couple, have grown up here in Milan and been serving God here for years. Keith and Debbie, the Spanish-born and Swiss couple, have lived here for 5 years. Last year they were finally able to open their church. How many missionaries would get burned out and leave before then? God has gifted these people with His determination to see the Kingdom come on earth and the endurance to run the long race. So please, keep these people in your prayers. I promise you that prayers are very powerful.

On the train ride up here to Milan (7 and a half hours, by the way, and we got to see the entire Italian countryside from the sea to the mountains!), I was thinking over everything that God has been doing in my life. Last year around this time, I was still hopeless. A picture perfect rebel, I did everything I could to demonstrate how angry and hurt I was while at the same time pushing any help away. A few months later is when things started to change. But at this time I was still doing drugs, taking pills, and drinking. My attitude was “hell if I care” and my faith was universalism. Nothing mattered, all roads led to the same place, and there was no reason to try. Since YWAM has been involved in my life, hope has gradually returned. A passion has been stirred in me again and I actually use it. There’s growth and lessons learned in a safe environment. I think sometimes we forget how much we need a safe environment to properly heal. For me, I wouldn’t have been able to come as far as I have if I didn’t have that guarding. And still, it’s difficult for me to trust and open up. But the fact is, I try.

I try. How simple is that? Yet last year, there was no energy in me. Half the time when people talked to me, I didn’t even care. It took so much effort to even listen to them and half way through the conversation, I wanted to scream that I didn’t care. When I went to Belize, God started pushing my buttons. God started convicting me of apathy. And since coming to San Francisco, I want to do everything possible to change. If there’s a lesson, I want to learn it. If there’s an opportunity, I want to take it! And I’ve finally learned how to receive correction. I actually welcome it. Instead of being independent as we’re taught to be in Western society, I’m interdependent on God and the community He’s led me to. When I was depressed, I often felt guilty that I wanted just anybody to share everything with but had nobody that I thought I could trust. After all, I’m supposed to be growing into an adult and learning independence right? However since coming to DTS, I’ve learned not only how unbiblical independence is but also how unhealthy it is! And I love the new knowledge.

One last thing, an important lesson (as a former rebel) that I’ve been learning here in Italy is surrender and trust with leadership. I’ve never trusted government (always corrupt, right?) or any kind of leadership, so at first I was bucking at every turn. But there was God, that quite familiar voice in my head that was nudging me to release control. And I’ve experienced how true freedom feels. Not anarchic freedom, but the freedom that comes from a peaceful trust and faith in leadership. And I thank God for the awesome leaders that I have here who have helped make this possible!

Jason, Justine, Bre, Joelle, and Ikaika: you guys are the best!