Only Grace and Gratefulness

Only Grace. I'm not talking about me, that's a song title. So often I feel like God is crazy. I mean, we do everything humanly possible to spit in His face and rebel against Him. And yet He still loves us and provides for us. That's crazy! But really, it's not crazy. It's grace. His amazing grace is why He never gives up on us. I love thinking about that. I used to not like my name, because so many times I'd be the point of the jokes. “Oh look, it's amazing Grace!” I didn't show how much I disliked it, I just wished I could have my own name you know? But now, I'm grateful for my name. Because whenever I forget how truly great God is (which is constantly), all it takes is someone calling out my name and I hear it like a thunderclap. Grace. You're alive today, because of His grace.

I'm not really meaning to talk about grace today, although it's a great topic. Lately, I've been less than cheerful sometimes. I look around and I see everything looking so perfect, and then I look at my life. It's all over the place and unpredictable. So I do what is perfectly natural in that kind of situation. I complain. I complain to myself, I complain to God, I complain to my mom and my friends. I use such extremes and paint myself so well as the victim. But really, how much of a victim am I? I am living in one of the richest countries in the world, I have a roof over my head, food each day, even hot warm and warm clothes! Not to mention an amazing group of family and friends. Who else can say that much? Most people in the world can't. Yet I still decide to be self-centered, and see only the bad in my life.

Well, that is until I'm slapped awake again. I'm constantly falling asleep and being awoken to the amazing blessings I have in my life. What's more humbling is that God not only fulfills my existence needs, He fulfills the very things I complain about too. It's been truly amazing to see God work in my life lately. Because it seems not even 15 minutes after I get done complaining about something, someone says something or does something that fulfills the very thing I was lamenting! Moving cross countries is a difficult time, because I'm not Honduran assimilating to America. Yet I'm not even American coming home after a long time. I'm a TCK, Third Culture Kid. I have no country, but I look like I belong here in America. Even though that makes settling down in America hard, I think I too often use it as just another excuse to complain. But really, honestly, what right have I to complain? Absolutely none. I am blessed to have parents who would travel hundreds of miles to see me settled in properly, siblings who call and write and care to see how I'm doing, and friends who don't ditch me no matter how much I complain! (Thanks yall!)

To use an example of complaining/fulfillment, just last week I was waiting for my parents in our church office while they were in a meeting. I was a little bitter earlier that day, and had been talking with my mom about it and just letting all my frustrations out. I felt more and more lost in the crowd as our church got bigger and bigger over the years, and it was especially hard after I came back this time. Because my church back in Honduras is a much smaller church. There is no stage, there are no bright lights or fancy decorations. It's just a simply building, rented out monthly in downtown Siguatepeque. I think it used to be a grocery store? Anyways, going to the building there was like going to a small group. There would be roughly 30-50 of us each Sunday, and it was enough that everyone was a familiar face and everyone greeted each other. Our sermons weren't fancy, but I loved them because they were discussion based. Have a question? Ask it! There was no problem with deviating from the subject for a minute or two. And then Wednesday nights, our small group spent maybe 10 minutes actually looking at the verses, and the rest of the time was spent discussing what we thought it meant or how it affected our lives. Everything was diving deeper into what we thought and believed. You couldn't fake it easily there. So it was definitely hard sitting in a mega-church again back here in Texas.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing mega-churches or anything. And I do love my church, it's been my home ever since I was a kid. But I was so discouraged and I only kept comparing and complaining when I first went back. So back to the story, I was sitting in our church office after complaining to my mum about everything I just mentioned and asking her whether I should leave the church of not. I'm still conflicted about if there's a time for you to leave the church, I don't think it should be a decision made lightly. As I sat there, thinking about everything that was said and trying to figure out what I believed and what I should do, I could feel God tapping me. And I knew He was telling me to just give it another try, with an open mind this time. I really didn't want to hear it, but I also desperately wanted the spirit growth and nourishment that I'd become accustom to and needed so badly during this time of transition. So I was struggling with this when in walked my old youth pastor! Which was a huge surprise because I thought I wouldn't see him again until I went to Haiti at some unknown time in the future. He and his family are called to be missionaries there, and they leave in just 53 days. We talked for a bit and it was so encouraging! I knew I had my final answer from God: stay.

No matter what I complain of, God is right there, sometimes the very next minute, fulfilling it. In little ways, which others might not even realize, that make a world of difference. And over this past week I've learned that a mega-church is not less personal, you just have to look for community. It doesn't merely happen. But I think that's a good thing. After all what do we appreciate more, things that just happen or things we have to work for? Now I'm grateful for this period, because I'm claiming my faith and actively seeking it out. It's not always easy, in fact most of the time it's really hard. But in the end, I'm not just a person struggling against all these obstacles alone. And for that, I am truly and deeply grateful. I try to remember each time God has provided for me when I begin to complain again, even to myself. And it really does help to silence my complaints and change my spirit into one of thanksgiving. So what things do you work for? What things just happen that you haven't considered how lucky that is? I hope the many blessings crowd in on your mind and overwhelm you!

(Sorry this one was super long)

Lone Star State

So, I made it to Texas! After working towards this goal for nearing 4 years, it seems odd that I would be able to pick up and leave it so soon... But Lord willing, that's what I'm hoping to do in January. I still love Texas, and there are no words for how amazing it felt to see that big, open Texan sky today. However I feel drawn away too. To this strange ministry, and an unknown place. I've never felt any calling for overseas missions, on the contrary I often became angry at God for taking me so far away and vowed I'd never become a missionary. It always seemed wrong to me that Americans tried to be “lights in dark places” when their own country was not in shape. Why would a doctor whose daughter is sick go to the neighbors' first?

Perhaps it was this anger and frustration at short term missions that made me vow not to go into overseas missions at all. I've always done things in the extreme, and my vow was no different. How differently God works though... All my life, whenever I say I will never go somewhere, I end up going there! It seems I only cling to the present and refuse to surrender one foot of ground, until finally God was to use others in my life to move me and change me. Not an easy task considering how stubborn I am.

But going to YWAM changed my view of missions. I no longer see it as something that Americans do to look good. I see it as something people truly on fire for God are called to. Not Americans, or Europeans, or Asians, etc. Those who love God. Because when you love and follow God, country and languages do not matter. Only that love and devotion. And having this new view of missions ignited a spark in me. I've always wanted to counsel and try to help those in my own “home” country. And now I realize that my home is nowhere. I have no home. I used to think that was bad thing, it kept me up at night and drove me crazy in my quest for belonging. But now I realize that to have no home is a blessing. I can leave anywhere and not feel too much anguish. And with this acquired ability to leave easily and assimilate anywhere, I have the destination for my calling. Anywhere.

No matter where I am, that is where I am supposed to be. That is where I can help. Helping is not a profound calling. It's the simplest calling there is. Because helping can be anything from a smile, to saving someone's life. Sometimes a smile IS saving someone's life. You never know. The point is, to never underestimate the little things. Because the big things are out of our control, and the little things are the ones that matter most. So what little things are you ignoring today?

Florida

The sunshine state! I'm in Florida now, visiting my Granny for a bit before I fly out to Texas. My last week in Honduras, (besides getting really sick at the beginning), was the best I could have wished for. We had cake at my last Bible study, and a subsequent cake fight broke out, and I was able to see everyone and say goodbye. I had game nights with my friends and on Friday spent the day at my local YWAM base. I got excited for my DTS all over again! :) After that I sent out my first newsletter on Saturday night, and it was definitely different to be the one writing the newsletter! I certainly appreciate my Dad doing it every month for so long, I don't know how he makes it seem so easy.

Sunday was my last day in Honduras, and I was able to get packed and be able to hang out with my friends for the majority of the day. At church I came downstairs to see "WE'LL MISS YOU" painted on the big front windows in bright pink, and overall I think it was the best leaving anyone could wish for! All that stuff about leaving correctly I think finally imprinted itself on my mind, and I feel peace and closure about moving away. I already miss my family there, but I'm looking forward to getting to Texas and settling down there. The good ol' Lone Star State has always held my heart! I'm so excited to finally live there again.

Being in America is odd and natural at the same time. It's strange to look around and see so many people caught up in their own world. It seems like I can't look out the window of the car without thinking how much good all those people would do if they just didn't have to have the newest car, or the brand name of something. So much money is wasted on a name! I read somewhere that if Americans gave up eating just 10% of the meat they currently eat every year, it would save enough to feed 100 million people. I know that seems like a large and impossible number, but it was in my chemistry book. I guess I'll get used to the consumerism eventually. But to some extent, I hope I never do. I hope I'm able to save and penny pinch enough to live on a budget and still be able to give considerably. It seems like giving is so much more satisfying than spending. But it is really nice to finally have some American royalties again. I did a little happy dance at being able to use hulu.com again! Legal online tv watching! haha

Since I've been here, I've also been blow away by how nice people are. Not all people of course, but I had become somewhat prejudiced in the way I assumed all people living in the States were. Little things like talking with the cashier at Wal-Mart, or a little old lady who is a self-proclaimed Scrooge, I love talking to people and seeing them open up. It's like watching a flower bloom right in front of your eyes! I'm excited to get to Texas and find different places I can volunteer at.

Well, I guess this is a long enough post for now, so I hope everyone has a good week! Dios te bendiga(:

How It Began

This is how it all began, and it's not a flowers and butterflies story that gives you a morsel to make you feel good and then let's you go on with your life. But it is the beginning.

About 2 months ago, I started hearing about this ministry called YWAM in our town. I didn't pay much attention to it, after all there's a lot of ministries out there. I knew my youth pastor here was a part of it, and I thought it was cool but that was it. Later, as I talked more with my youth pastor and one of the other leaders, I started hearing about this thing called DTS. It stands for Discipleship Training School. It sounded like a good program, but I had already planned to move back to Texas (my heart's desire ever since I left). So I kind of ignored any little nudge I may have felt and went on my way. Then my mom told me there was a week-long Discover DTS in Belize that I could possibly go to. Now I could actually give the thought some credit; it didn't interfere with my moving plans and I'm always up for visiting another country!

Throughout the process, I was only halfhearted when my dad asked if I really wanted to go, what else I might want to do in the country if we had a couple extra days, etc. But for some unknown reason, my dad wasn't effected by my apathy. He searched every spare moment trying to find a way to make everything work. First buses, then boat taxis, and finally he scored cheap plane tickets. His perseverance was kind of shocking to me since I didn't see my attendance as anything terribly special. My dad must have felt God's will though, because going to Destination Paradise YWAM Belize was one of the best decisions of my life.

Back up 6 months ago, and I wasn't in such a good place. I had stopped listening to God's voice for about a year, and my only goal in life was to do the unexpected. To take people's expectations of me and smash them; push the limits and break out of any stereotypes that might be inflicted on me. And I was doing a good job of it. But my soul was in turmoil. The more I turned from God, the deeper my depression grew. Depression I had been battling with since my early teens. It's tough being a missionary kid, and I felt cheated by the church and God for how often my life seemed to drastically change. The constant pain I deal with because of my scoliosis only increased my anger at God. Why would He create my life if it was only going to be loneliness and pain? I knew God was watching me, I've always been able to feel His presence beside me. But I didn't want Him to just be beside me, I needed to be held. I saw no point in living, and regularly wished I could end my life and just go to heaven. Several times I tried. I can still remember each time exactly. The thoughts going through my head, the lies I heard in my own voice saying I was worthless and nobody would mourn my loss... Inadequacy turned to fear, I started to panic at any thought of change. Again, I felt unworthy because I couldn't even control my own mind. Some nights I would weep in my loneliness, feeling a huge void but not willing to allow God in because of my hurt and anger. Finally, my parents had enough of my rebellion. They put me through what I can only describe as boot camp at home. And although at the time I resented them for it and tried to withdraw inside myself, I could still feel God watching me as if He were hoping I would at last see His truth. And the coldness was chipped away a little at a time. My parents deserve a Nobel Prize for their patience, understanding, and gentleness. Although nobody is perfect, they did a pretty job in turning me around. To some extent, I was changed. But the lies embedded long ago in my mind were not so easily broken. Like chains they held me down until I had lost all passion. I truly believed God's promise didn't apply to me, I was too broken and messed up. I was not worthy, and I was not acceptable. I regularly cut myself in punishment for my worthlessness.

It was at this time that I started to hear more about YWAM. And as I went more and more often to the youth group held in my church by one of the YWAMers, I started to doubt my old beliefs. Maybe I was wrong to think God didn't act in this life. Maybe I was wrong to think I wasn't His daughter just because of the things I had done. And a distant light formed at the end of my years of a dark tunnel. Missie, a YWAMer completely in love with Jesus, was instrumental in this time. No matter how many blank stares she got in youth, from our shock at such a passionate display of belief, she never wavered. She was always so open about her trust in God, her belief in His love, and her belief in His forgiveness. It was like water in a dessert. Though still trying to keep my distance after years of hurt, I couldn't help but be impacted by her. She believed God spoke directly to us, and she didn't just say that, she really believed it! And it had really happened to her. It wasn't in the false, flashy way we see advertised. “God Wants You To Be Happy!” “Hear God's Voice- TODAY! (For just $9.99!)” It was simple. And in its simplicity, was the seal of authenticity.

So here I was slowly being worked over by God, when I was whizzed away for a week on the beach for this 'destination paradise' experience. My main reason for excitement was getting a tan! But God had a goal a bit bigger than a little time in the sun... He didn't waste any time either. The first night I was there, I was bombarded by hospitality and friendliness by everyone on the base. It caught me a little off-guard, but I was eager to see what the week would bring. The next morning, I nearly cried right in the middle of worship. Here these people were, hundreds of miles from where they started, joyfully standing in a open room with an iPod playing worship music. Yet their hearts were in the heavens. I watched as one after another praised God with real love and desire for Him. As even the guys were standing, unashamed in their love and worship. My wall was broken down that first morning in worship. And it took all my years of careful training not to fall apart on the spot. But I knew God wasn't content to just break down my wall, and I walked around trying to avoid the thoughts that were coming. I knew He was going to try me soon, I knew He was going to offer yet again. Carefully I continued to tell myself that with me it just was really different. With me, it couldn't be so easy. And clearly, it wasn't easy if I was anxious even at the thought of surrendering all the pain and anger I'd carried around for years. In that state of mind I integrated myself into the life on the base, for two days I was only half way showing my face. At times I would made one remark or two, but never too much and always watching to see how everyone else was acting. As the week progressed, God stepped up.

September 21^st. Wednesday. I was sitting outside, thinking over that morning's worship and trying to understand how to accept what I was hearing when my small group leader came out and joined me. I hoped she couldn't see my struggle written all over my face, but she didn't mention it. Only asking if I wanted to go talk a bit, she lead me down to the beach and started telling me what God had told her. Dumbstruck I listened to her speak of the pain I had deep inside me, that God was wanting to wipe away. Covering up that pain was a skill I had perfected and was proud of! How could she know so easily? It seemed like every word that needed to be said to me, God had already given her! I was almost scared of it. And I was definitely scared of surrendering! Staring out across the ocean, I mumbled and stumbled through my words and tried to describe the pain I felt and had carried all these years. Alternately praying and talking, I don't even know how long we sat there. I just know that I was scared as a child on the edge of the diving board, but I knew I wanted to take that plunge. So I did. I offered all my pain to God, I surrendered my anger. Placing in His hands my tattered wounded heart that I had clung to so desperately for so long, I found it. I found a clean slate. I couldn't even feel any pain or resentment or anger when I tried to remember my past. Nothing. I was accepted!

My short stay at DP YWAM Belize will impacted my life forever. Everyone there was supportive, accepting, and open with me. They weren't afraid to say what they felt God telling them and they were 100% behind me all the way, from the staff to the students. Now it's my turn. I know there's a reason I'm applying to the Discipleship Training School at the YWAM base in San Francisco, California. Not only do I want to learn the true nature of my Lord and Savior, but I want to be equipped to show others the love and freedom I received through the power and forgiveness of God.

This is my story, and this is my mission. I ask that you pray with me as I continue to seek God's guidance and wisdom on this new journey. Through Him, all things are possible! And I'm excited and joyful in my hope that one day I can help others to see His faithfulness and mercy wherever He leads me. If you feel led, in addition to prayer I also am trying to raise $6,400 to pay for the DTS program. To my small comprehension that's a huge chuck of money, but I know to God it is only pocket change. Before you make a donation, please pray about it and be sure it God's will that you help support me. Prayers are much more valuable to me than any worldly goods. I hope that I was able to encourage you and sing God's praises in this newsletter, and if you would like to keep receiving my newsletters as I continue this journey, simply reply to this email saying so and I will keep you on the list! Thank you for reading this lengthy story, and may God reveal Himself to you daily.